I'm back, explanations, apologies, and a rant.

[SinsOfTheFlesh]

Just in case there is a woman or two who hasn’t been made aware of the nature of my suspension, I will announce it here. I was suspended for creating a fake handle, writing a total of three false reviews, and in doing so gaining premium access.

I want to begin this post with a sincere apology to the community. I am all too aware of the loss of trust and respect that my actions have caused, and I deeply regret that. Nothing I say here now will undo the damage I have done. I can only hope that in time once this disagreeable business is behind me, I can rebuild some of the trust I have lost.

Most of all, I want to extend my sincerest and deepest apologies to the two women I reviewed aside from myself. Please know that neither of them had anything to do with the reviews, nor had any knowledge of them. I sincerely hope that my actions have not cast any doubts or suspicion on either of them.

I am sure some are wondering why I did what I did. I did not do it to promote myself. I have more than enough excellent and legitimate reviews to establish my reputation. The review I wrote of myself was just one review among the many legitimate ones. Nor did I do it to get a sneak peek at the Men’s Lounge, or to look at other provider’s reviews. Admittedly, I did visit the Men’s Lounge to search my name, mostly out of curiosity. I created the handle because I had concerns about unusual activity on my own reviews. Having been around for several years, most of what can be said on my reviews has already been said. So my reviews don’t generally draw much comment. I noted though, that I was seeing more private comments than usual, and it concerned me. There was chatter in public about a silly “competition” between myself and another provider. I was concerned that her white knights were using my reviews to either directly or indirectly promote her. The irony is that the reviews that concerned me turned out to be much ado about nothing, but a few months later, exactly what I was concerned about did in fact happen, and then some. But I will get to that shortly.

In hindsight, I could perhaps have handled things differently. My greatest mistake was allowing this nonsensical idea of a “competition” to get to me. I shouldn’t have. A competition exists between her and I much like Morton’s competes with McDonalds.

Now I want to speak about the aftermath. I am not speaking of the suspension itself. I respect that. Rules are rules, I broke them, and I deserve to face the consequences. My issue is with the decision to announce the reason for my suspension to the Men’s Lounge. That was not standard practice. Why it was done in my case, I can only speculate. I don’t know whether Fritz was simply naïve and did not imagine the extreme backlash that would result, or if he did it maliciously. I’m choosing to believe he did not anticipate the fury his announcement would create. After all, the last time I saw him, we remained on good terms. Like a trooper I once again let it go when he shorted me, so he had no reason to want to harm me intentionally. Then again, I did hurt the feelings of his favorite. So I don’t know. I asked him several times why he did it, but never got an answer, so I can only speculate now.

Now, about the emails I’ve been receiving. I want to thank the brave and courageous men who took the time to create throwaway email addresses so that they could freely advise me of their opinion. Your emails were most edifying. Thank you kind Sirs for letting me know that I am fat. My mirrors are broken, and thus I was not aware of my condition until you enlightened me. Thank you also for advising me that I am a stupid cunt, dumb whore, and my particular favorite, a used up $ 100 BP whore (you must have labored for hours, crafting such a missive) . Again, it is very gratifying to learn about oneself in such a way.

I have to admit that I agree with you kind emailers that two weeks was far too light a punishment. I admit to being a little shocked by that as well. I had been under the impression that I could face a lifetime ban if caught. When I learned I was only to be suspended for a few weeks, I was relieved beyond words. That was of course, before the hate mail started rolling in, and I began to glimpse what my real punishment was. The suspension was for show, the real punishment was being crucified. One thing I am certain of is that Fritz lied to me when he told me he consulted the owners before imposing punishment. If the owner had been involved as Fritz claimed, there is no way I’d have gotten off with only two weeks. I don’t know if Fritz was trying to go easy and didn’t expect the backlash, or if the short suspension was deliberate to generate animosity, but I am at least certain that it was entirely his call and no one else’s.

(WARNING: IT IS NOW TIME TO GRAB YOUR POPCORN)

Of all the things my courageous little emailers said to me though, there is one thing that really pisses me off. I mean truly pisses me off to the point of losing sleep over. I have to ask, where in the hell did you get the idea that I have any so-called white knights? You write me and tell me all about what scumbags my white knights are, and you speculate about how much fun I must be having reading about this thread in the Men’s Lounge. On one hand, I’m baffled. On the other, I really can’t express how laughable that is. Half the time on this board I feel like the chopped liver provider of KC, and yet you fools think I have white knights. I mean, is that a sick joke you guys thought up?

First off, what in the hell makes you think I have any idea what is being said back there? By Sunday night, I knew some sort of announcement had been made because I got an email from someone asking me if I was the girl that got banned for having another account. Since Fritz and I were the only people who knew about it, I sent Fritz a text asking him why anyone knew anything. He only wanted to know who had emailed me. Uh oh! Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Apparently I wasn’t invited to my own crucifixion and wasn’t even supposed to know about it. Oops. So, yes I do know that a thread exists, and thanks to Fritz’s paranoid response, I know the announcement was made in the Men’s Lounge. Furthermore, the foaming at the mouth response of you hate mailers tells me that Fritz must have gone running to you guys telling you I know that the thread exists. But what the hell makes anyone think I know more than that? Trust me, your sweet love notes to me tell me all I need to know. I can’t begin to imagine what the thread itself must look like if your emails are anything to go by. I’m not sure I’d be able to come back to ECCIE at all if I ever found out what was said. A girl can only handle so much venom.

And I want to be clear that I’m hiding nothing. If the moderators feel they must know who sent me the email asking if I was the one who got banned, thus tipping me off, I will give them the name. But I am certainly not going to announce it here so that he can by lynched right alongside me.

But lets get back to these non-existent white knights. I’m going to state the obvious here. If I *HAD* any white knights, none of this would have even happened to begin with. I would have simply PM’ed my hero and asked him what was going on with the comments on my reviews. But I don’t. So I took care of the situation myself.

But tipping a girl off about private comments is far from all that white knights are good for. White Knights are also great for calling out asshats when needed. In July a review for another provider was briefly hijacked by a comment stating how great a different provider was. A white knight did not hesitate to correct the commenter and remind him who the review was intended to be focused on. Props to the guy who said something, that is how it should work. A month later, one of my reviews was turned into an ISO discussion, complete with a list of names of other providers, along with brief bios for each. White knights though, were conspicuous by their absence. For what it’s worth, this is EXACTLY what concerned me enough to prompt me to create a fake name in the first place. Of course, being hoisted by me own petards, and couldn’t say anything but moderators, where were you? White Knights, where were you?

Guys, those reviews are the best form of advertisement a woman can have in this business. We ladies work hard to earn those good reviews. They are our moment in the sun so to speak. Our pat on the back and an ‘atta girl’. Some of you took my moment away from me, and turned my ‘atta girl’ into an ISO discussion. That was wrong beyond words. It was disrespectful. Many of you have noticed that I seem to have disappeared lately. That review is partly why. I waited so patiently, certain that someone would step up and tell those who made the comments they were wrong. Even if a guy wasn’t my ‘white knight’, surely at least one among you would have enough of a sense of fair play to say something. And I stewed over it. I shouldn’t have let it get to me, but I did. Every time I looked at the board, I would look at names of men, client and acquaintance alike, and wonder why this one or that one didn’t say something.

But again, sharing private info, and calling out an asshat is not all that white knights are good for.

White knights are awesome for tripping over themselves to throw out a provider’s name pretty much anywhere they can work it into a post, but especially on the ISO board. So again, where are my white knights when someone posts an ISO?? Surely everyone by now knows it’s a pet peeve of mine that EVERY single time someone asks for recommendations on the board NO ONE ever mentions my name. Hi guys, I’m the chopped liver provider of KC! Anytime I want my name out there, I have to put it out there myself. Scroll through just the past month on the ISO board. There have been ISO’s posted for best CG providers, multiple BBBJ providers, flexible providers, and more I can’t think of at the moment. The ONLY time my name comes up is when I put it there myself. Pretzel position ring any bells? My modified RCG isn’t worth mentioning? Are my BBBJ’s really so blasé that they don’t deserve a mention? And lets not forget the irony here – I can’t get one single man to throw my name out there, but my own damned review gets used as an ISO for other women.

To make it clearer, here is what the difference between having some white knights and not having them looks like:

Earlier this year, during finals week in class, a guy posted an ISO looking for a great BBBJ provider. I contacted him directly, we swapped emails and set a time late that night, and I leave for class. I come home to find that the White Knight brigade literally tripped over themselves to throw out another woman’s name, but as usual, I am conspicuous by my absence. So what does our ISO guy do? He figures well if everyone says this other woman is so good, he’ll try and hook up with her instead. But rather than cancelling with me, he just keeps me hanging around as his Plan B just in case. So, even though I was dead ass tired, had to take an anatomy final the next day, and wanted nothing more than to cancel, I hung in there like a trooper because my word is my bond. I said I would see him and I was damned well going to drive the hour round trip, smile for him and rock his world, show him what GJTSO means. Instead, he kept me dangling for over two hours before I finally told him good night. PS. I got an A on the anatomy final, so that’s a silver lining at least.

The point I’m making is that mentioning a provider matters. It generates buzz, and business. Not only that, but it just plain makes a girl feel good to know someone is thinking of her. No matter what I do or say, nothing changes the fact that I constantly feel left out, overlooked, and at best an afterthought when it comes to ISO’s. I’m going to be honest and admit that it fucking hurts too. It flat out feels like shit when I see the clear evidence that I am the Plan B girl. I’m the reliable one. I’m the one guys keep as a back up while they call the flakes first because you know you can always count on me. I don’t flake, I don’t cancel, I don’t NCNS. And in the final analysis, instead of being the first one you think of, I’m the last one you think of – if you think of me at all.

So to sum it up, my courageous hate mailers think these white knights of mine can’t be bothered to speak up when my review gets hijacked. They can’t be bothered to throw my name into the discussion on the ISO board. But they can be bothered to commit the ultimate sin of giving me privileged information. So are you guys delusional or just dumb? Take your pick.

I know I’m belaboring the point, but I really don’t have words to express how insulted and hurt I am at the idea that even as I try and try just to get the occasional casual mention and can’t get it done, I get crucified as some sort of conniving bitch who is manipulating guys into spilling private information. Again, if I was that way, why in the hell would I have even needed a fake handle in the first place? Hello, McFly. I screwed up, and I deserve all the condemnation I am due for breaking the rules and gaining PA. If some can’t forgive me for my mistake, that is regrettable, but I brought it on myself. But the idea of being crucified for something I didn’t do is unacceptable. I won’t apologize for something I didn’t do, and contrary to what my hate mailers may think, I have not asked anyone to give me information about that thread, nor has anyone volunteered any. Period.

Last but not least to my hate emailers. If your intent was to make me cry, then you succeeded. I’ve done a lot of that the past two weeks, and cried while I wrote this post. Thank you for that.

I do also want to add one final note. It is not always easy to separate rational thought from emotions. From an emotional standpoint, some of the things I just wrote hurt me deeply and angered me. At the same time though, I can easily spot some of the holes in my own thinking. Just because I felt the comments made on my reviews were wrong, doesn’t mean everyone else saw them as wrong. In my head I know that. In my heart, it still hurts that no one spoke up. The rational side of my brain points out that it was really only a small handful of posters who routinely tripped over themselves to mention one provider, and that those who I would have expected might speak on my behalf generally don’t respond to ISO’s at all. So its not as though those I would expect to mention me were responding with the names of other women but ignoring me. Again, in my head, I know this, but it doesn’t take away the hurt. The rational part of my brain points out that I do in fact have a long list of glowing reviews. Clearly I’m not actually the ‘chopped liver’ provider if I have so many great reviews. I know this in my head, but it still doesn’t take away the feeling of being a left out, overlooked afterthought when I see an ISO filling up with a dozen or more responses, and my name is nowhere to be found. I’ve been feeling hurt and angry over this stuff for a while now, and right now I am about as hurt as I’ve ever been. But I will get over it. In my heart I believe that none of these things were done to hurt me, and although I do not have any white knights, I do have many gentlemen that I consider friends. Those friendships are not diminished in my eyes, though I worry that I may have lost some due to this mess.

Ok, I’m done. I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I’m sorry this post was so long. Those who have hung in there this far, I thank you. Please make no mistake. None of what I have just said is an attempt to justify or excuse my behavior. Nor is this post an attempt to blame anyone for my bad decision or the consequences that followed. I feel like I just shed a 200 pound weight by finally being able to talk about what I have stewed over for months, but I still broke the rules, I still destroyed trust and lost the respect of those I hold in respect. Nothing changes that. I blame no one but myself for my behavior and how I chose to handle things. I look forward to putting this incident and this particular post behind me and moving forward. But I know that some damage can never be undone, and some mistakes can only be forgiven in time. I generally abhor drama and tend to stay off threads that are all about drama. In this instance though, I am solely responsible for creating the drama, so I will just have to live with whatever fallout derives from this post. I can only hope that in time I will once again earn the respect of those who I respect.

[gary5912]

WOW thats a mouth full, l feel your pain, hope it all works out

[Johnny4455]

I don't know you and never sent a hate email as you call it. When you do what you admit to doing, destroying your own credibility, I think you can expect strong, even unfair reactions. If you want to rebuild trust, a rant at you haters as you call them, is probably not the best way to rebuild trust. Doesnt sound like a sincere apology. Sounds like excuses and accusations

[kcjjj]

The purpose of this board is information exchange. It is true that certain providers have a lot of support on this board, and I would say that is earned based on their performance.

You would probably consider me to be someones WK because when there is an ISO post or other request for info- I have certainly recommended another provider based on my excellent experiences with her. I think that I, and others, are just fulfilling the purpose of this board by sharing our experiences and making recommendations based on those experiences. If no one speaks up for you then maybe you should talk to your regulars and find out why they don't do the same for you. Maybe you are soooo good they don't want to share!

I finish by saying that you should feel like the most lucky person around for getting only a two week suspension for the same thing that others have been completely banned for in the past.

[JRLawrence]

Don't worry about it. You had some misdirected marketing; so what!

There are a lot of guys who just give the girls a bad time, it make them think they are superior and more powerful. Time to move on. Life is too short to even make the effort to worry about some people who call you names.

JR

[SinsOfTheFlesh]

Originally Posted by Johnny4455

I don't know you and never sent a hate email as you call it. When you do what you admit to doing, destroying your own credibility, I think you can expect strong, even unfair reactions. If you want to rebuild trust, a rant at you haters as you call them, is probably not the best way to rebuild trust. Doesnt sound like a sincere apology. Sounds like excuses and accusations

I am not in any way trying to excuse my decision. I may have had my reasons, and my reasons were validated by what I learned, but that is not a justification. I would love it if I could address those who sent me such vile emails directly, but they did not afford me the opportunity, choosing instead to use disposable email addresses. But if they were angry enough to express what they did anonymously, there can also be little doubt that others had similar thoughts, even if they chose not to express them. So I chose to address their accusations here, and put those suspicions to rest.

I admit to what I did do. What this post is primarily about is refusing to be rundown for things I didn't do.

[Guest021115]

Honey, let this hurtful bs just roll right off your back and stop losing sleep over it! It's just not worth it...

I know exactly how you are feeling though...
Some people in this world are just downright cruel.

When I was a "big girl" I once had someone email me and ask if I was charging by the pound! lol Clearly, I wasn't his cup of tea, and that's fine, but to think he ACTUALLY took the time out of his day to sit down, make a fake email, and send me that message just to hurt me pretty much blew my mind, and my ego. lol

In the end, I came to the conclusion that there are just GENUINE assholes out there in this world, and when you make yourself a public figure you'd better be ready to handle the ramifications of such! But for every 1 jerk there are 10 more guys around that love and adore you! Concentrate on those fine gents!

In closing, I just wanted to say that I wasn't aware of your suspension, or the reasons behind it (I did, however, notice you weren't active on the board), but I think it was very brave of you to step forward and admit where you are wrong. ATTA GIRL!

Any provider who says she's NEVER thought about doing the same thing, just to see what is being said about her BCD, is lying through their teeth. We're all curious, of course!

(Also, just ignore the rude comments you are bound to get on this post. You said what you had to say...let it be.)

Love ya girlie!

Staci

[growler]

Welcome back Stacy, you know how this board can be at times. Thank you for your post.

[BottomFeederKC]

Welcome back, Stacy.






:0)

[Smoking Monkey]

Stacy, obviously this has been a very stressful period for you and I know that you've agonized over this, but I just hope that the drama will subside and things will get back to normal....f**king and sucking! I hope you don't encounter any more hateful correspondence. I know most of the Eccie guys are more mature than that!...or at least I hope they are.

[gary5912]

wow I thought this thread was about Sinoftheflesh

[Guest021115]

Originally Posted by gary5912

wow I thought this thread was about Sinoftheflesh

It IS about Stacy, and as such, I was RELATING to her is a "sisterhood" type of way which, I can assure you, she appreciated. She and I are SUPER cool with each other, and I know she got the point. That's what matters.

[SinsOfTheFlesh]

Gary, Staci's comments are appreciated. She and I are very cool with one another. Her post was by no means a hijack.

I love me some Stacks. We've had some great chats on the phone and with God as my witness girl, the next time you are in KC, we will get together over dinner or drinks!

[DallasRain]

welcome back and I wish ya the best!!!

[Guest021115]

Originally Posted by SinsOfTheFlesh

Gary, Staci's comments are appreciated. She and I are very cool with one another. Her post was by no means a hijack.

I love me some Stacks. We've had some great chats on the phone and with God as my witness girl, the next time you are in KC, we will get together over dinner or drinks!

I'm sending you a long distance hug baby girl, and lots of positive energy! Things WILL get better. That was just a bump in the road and a lesson learned. Remember our long talk about lessons in the hobby? Chalk that one up to the game, girl. lol Now, pull yourself together, do something nice for yourself, and get back out there, rockin some worlds! Whether you know it or not, the guys LOVE you.

See you soon...

Staci