Dom/Sub** Communication and Knowledge.... IMPORTANT

[Brooke Cumsalot]

Hello everyone,

I know I have been a bit absent of late, but getting back into the "Swing" of things again. If you started to read this thread with your ass on the edge of the seat and popcorn in hand... I am sorry to dissapoint you. This is not one of Brooke Talksalot's attention threads, nor is it a threAD to get more puplicity. I have a serious topic to discuss and I wish to get feedback. True, genuiene, and honest feedback.

I had an appointment last week with a p411 member who came to me as a dominant hobbyist (No I will not name names) who was interest in role-playing g and wondered if I was open minded. He came with stellar recommendations from other ladies, so I felt comfortable giving it a chance, planned out the role in my head and even visualized as I was the lead role starring in his own sexual fantasy. I was going to play the role of the innocent secretary who desperately is low on cash and takes on a offer she cannot turn down. I largehearted agreed, and agreed to give it my best. Even though I am not usually a submissive type ;-) i enjoyed a new challenge in the hobby and was curios that I might even LOVE it.

After we discussed that I was in trouble financially and wanted to work extra or take on any odd jobs to increase my pay, he threatned to fire me if I did not take him on his offer. Which was pleasing him every way he asked, even against my will. I over and over was trying to find an alternate solution because I am loyal to my husband and I did not look at him as more thren my boss. But finally after hour of going back and forth I had no other choice but to take his offer. I could not loose my job. He started demanding this and demanding that. I was okay with him demanding me to do things. His voice was calm at first, but soon got rather uncomfortable. I was lost in my head on who I was at the time? Brooke or Secretary?

Now I am usually down for anything, including a good face fuck, But this hobbyist went too far, and I did not know how to handle it since I accepted the appointment knowing he was a Dom. I was playing my role to the best of my ability and tried to pretend that I was enjoying it. I was on my knees for maybe 10 minutes with his hand on the back of my head, forcing my mouth all the way down on his cock. I did not have control of the depth, speed or amount of time I was in full DT. All i could hear was do not mouve till I am ready and tell you to move. You do not want to loose your job you have worked so hard for. I was involuntarily crying while gagging at same time, which just seemed to drive him harder.

I was not sure how to get out of this, as we did not discuss Safe Words (a friend told me about them later). I do not know the ins and outs of the Dom / Sub lifestyle so I am clueless on how to tell him he is hurting me when my mouth was full. My throat was so sore I could not talk and barely ate anything for days. I did not take any appointments due to my whole body being so sore, and all the mental exhaustion that whole scenario caused on me. Was not worth all the pain and mental stress I allow myself to have. I do my best to please a client, but when is to far?

For all of you who know about this stuff, isn't the Dom supposed to make sure that the sub is ok and within her limits?

Help me out here, I want information for my education and possibly help others before they find out the hard way like I did, or maybe worse.

Here is one definition of their perseption on how it should be.

"If it pleases Him to have me kneel before Him
I will kneel reverently
If it please Him to bind me
I will gladly offer my arms to Him
If it pleases Him to touch me
I will allow myself to be touched
If it pleases Him to teach me
I will learn all I can
If it pleases Him to discipline me
I will accept it without a sound
If it pleases Him to allow me to serve Him
I will serve Him with loyalty and devotion

"WHAT IS YOUR OPINION"



Brookie

[Guest091314]

limits and safe words should be discussed beforehand. A large part of being a dom is watching your subs reactions and body language and determining how much that person can take.

I quit advertising the sub thing for that reason alone...

[Brooke Cumsalot]

I found myself in a predicament that I had never been in before. I get off sexually to pleasing my partner naturally. THerefore, I thought it would be the same as pleasing my master. Wrong. I was forcefully trying to enjoy it in my mind, but physically I was just in pain. I knew this is not what it felt like to be desired or wanted, and overall I most definatly mind fucked myself.
I was trying to be everything he wanted me to be and demanding me to be at the same time. To please him was my job as the sub right? Which is also suppose to be my "job" as a provider right? I kept telling myself... but it just was not the same..

I do not know how to explain the thought process that was running through my mind ( probably because I was getting my throat F*****) lol.

Either way it was a lesson learned, and hopefully a lesson somebody can avoid in the future.

Thanks.

[pmdelites]

brooke, sorry that your experience was not a deliteful sub experience [at least the way you related it].

very good question - where is the line drawn.

from my little exposure to dom/sub activities, if he did not set ground rules for the encounter or establish a safe word with you, then i would fault him for that. that you didnt know either shows that you have some work to do as well responsibility to share in what happened.

perhaps he assumed that you knew what it was all about.
perhaps he didnt care what you knew/didnt know.
only he can answer that.

but, as in all respectful human interactions, communication is KEY!
and if you didnt know how to stop the session or felt he was taking you farther than you wanted to go, then communication or the ability to communicate was not there.

so,
he could improve his communication with you before starting.
you could have learned more before starting.

you might also ask his references is this was standard behavior or non-standard behavior. that is, is this what they experienced or might he have been taking it too far.

hopefully you are feeling better - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
peace be with you.

[Guest062912]

This is the very reason there are so many resources out there to educate yourself on how such a situation should go. Brooke, I'm sorry it didn't go down in a way you were comfortable with, and YES, he should have been watching very closely to make sure you weren't pushed further than you could handle, but ultimately the responsibility was yours to make sure you were within your limits. There are a million and one resources out there, MOST of which will very loudly tout the NEED for a safe word. You did not do your due diligence before jumping into something you didn't fully understand. I'm very very glad that you are not more injured physically or emotionally, and I sincerely hope this taught you the very valuable lesson of being responsible for yourself and educating yourself to the FULLEST before jumping into something so intimate and potentially dangerous.

I knew a woman that jumped into that lifestyle without fully educating herself, and the man she went to "play" with chopped off all her hair. And tried to do much worse. Be very very careful if you try to pursue something like this in the future. Control is a very powerful thing to try to give up. And can be a difficult thing to reclaim should you wish to.

[Precision45]

That's a very dangerous situation you got yourself in. Safe word or not, there are too many people who get caught up in the moment and don't know how to control the urges.

Sub/dom isn't about pleasing your partner, it's about control, total control and total dominance over the submissive. This is why I've never engaged in this sort of roll-play because there is no clear distinction between being dominant and raping someone.

Why don't people just wanna fuck anymore???

[Brooke Cumsalot]

Thank you Tracibrooks. I honestly could not of said it better myself.
You are right. I should of researched the request instead of assuming I was wonder-provider, and that there was nothing Brookie could not do. I take responsibility for that. But since then, I have followed up and I learned that truly submitting oneself means giving your all and going above and beyond not just physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. There is no holding back. You have to allow your dom to know your weakness and strengths. Then, when they finally have full control inside and out, even if you do not know how to control those inner feelings.... Wow I think I am finally understanding it. Maybe that is why I did not succeed as a sub? Hell, I do not even have that much control of my life as I should, which is scary to think about. I guess I just have to find that within myself before I can just give it to anybody who desires right? Or before I can enjoy giving away such power. My goal is to find my inner-dom within my submissive soul Thank you all for taking the time to explain.

Lots of kisses,
Brookie

[g3wq9xg]

A safe word would have been irrelevant here. It sounds like this guy did not care about you or how you felt. He looked at you in an objectified manner and as trash or beneath him.


These guys are out there in the hobby and they justify how they look at the provider based on how society labels the provider.

Brooke, I'm glad you got out of the session without suffering more harm, because surely that was possible with this guy.

[The Fetishist]

Brooke,

Thank you for bringing this question up, it is one that needs to be discussed. This is not how it should have gone. True, you should have done more research and used your resources (Ahem - You know where to go for that info). But as has been said above, it is ultimately the Dom's responsibility to take care of their Subs comfort, SAFETY and limits.

That he did not have that discussion with you was remiss on his part, The dom is responsible for knowing those things and to make sure that is covered before play.

I love the role and would love to play in a safe, sane and consensual manner. I love a good role play and this one rocks.

And yes, you do need to have control and a deep personal understanding before giving yourself in this manner. The better you understand yourself, the better you can express that to others. Listen to your own post and as well as the ones of others, find a good resource for info (again - AHEM) and enjoy.

Fetish

[ElisabethWhispers]

Brooke,

My heart goes out to you for this one. Seriously. I've been in your situation a couple of times and well, it's not a comfortable one to be in to say the very least.

Most men, thinking that they're with a "professional", often do not realize that some of us might think that we "can take it" but in fact, it's too much for us. They just figure that we know what we're doing and sometimes, well, we don't. Fair enough.

Also, a LOT of men will say that they're dominate when in fact, they're just bullies who want rough sex. I had a man, from this board about four years ago who was well known, tell me that he was super experienced and knew what he was doing. We even met for lunch beforehand.

Well, I AM experienced now (somewhat, at least) and he is what we referred to as one of those "suck my dick, bitch" types. Whereas he was more of a bully than a Dom. BIG difference.

For the most part, I don't believe that escorts should do submissive work but I do know some ladies that do and do well with it. Read "The Pleasure's All Mine: Memoir of a Professional Submissive". The book is by Joan Kelly. You can get it on amazon.

It's an excellent book about the safeguards that this lady went through to do her submissive work. Plus, it's a fun book and somewhat nasty, which makes it an interesting read.

And then speak with others about it. That's your best bet. Check out fetlife.com if you're serious about delving into this.

And good luck. Being submissive to a man's desire can be REALLY hot and moving, emotionally. Or it can be a real drag and you can wish that you'd never gotten yourself into this type of situation.

Good luck!!!

Elisabeth

P.S. PLEASE visit the forum called "Another Realm". It's a great place to park yourself at times and read all sorts of alternative activities!!!

[g3wq9xg]

I think this guy is getting too much credit. Of course I am assuming Brook's version is true, but the way she describes it, he certainly knew he was going too far, he just did not care. That is what got him off, Brook's pain, physical and emotional.

He is sick and dangerous.

[hotlips_houlihan]

Brooke,

I'm sorry this happened to you. I could never get involved in this type of activity. For one, there is nothing submissive about me-so I could never fulfill that fantasy. There is not that much acting in the world. Secondly, at any point the guy went beyond my boundaries he would be reminded in a swift manner that I have teeth. I just couldn't do it. I applaud you for maintaining your civility, but am sickened by knowing what "could" have happened.

Meg

[Hot to Trot Daphne]

Sorry that happened to you chick.
I practice BDSM but am at a loss for words right now except that the cornerstones of all alternative play, from mild to wild is this:



SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL. KEEP THIS IN MIND AND ALWAYS HAVE A SAFE WORD OR SIGNAL BEFORE YOU BEGIN PLAY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE NEVER MET THE PERSON BEFORE.

[Brooke Cumsalot]

Thank ya'll for the feedback. I wanted to add that I do not believe he felt bad since I was allowing him to do so. Which kind of scares me because he might not of even realized how string he was going, but then again... I am not going to make up excuses for him. He could of at least acknowledged the fact that I have the overall decision in how was he enters my mouth/throat/chest or to refuse DT if I am not comfortable the first 7 minutes of it. I believe that sometimes people get caught up in their mental pleasure/desires and do not know the difference of thinking it and doing it.


Once again, thanks.

Brookie

[Prolongus]

If he was on P411, do you Ladies report this type of behavior to the staff at P411? Seems like it would be beneficial to all if the client was removed from the site...but unfortunately it's your word against his...but if he gets reported several times he'll get booted off.