Question about Doms?

[sofiaofhouston]

Some are from the school of thought that a Dom is born and not made. Some say they are:

• born and not made
• They have a natural inclination to show dominance from an early age such as the playground
• it is in their nature to take control of their relationships and have a tendency to gravitate to people who will follow their lead
• have a natural tendency to take control of their situations in a natural manner
• pleasure in using your charisma in making others change their will to suit your own.

Others are from the school of thought that:

• A person with a slightly dominant tendency can be nurtured and created into a Dom. Thy must first show signs and traits to suit this new persona that will or already have leaked into their personal lives.
• Really grow their dominant personality of groomed by the right person.
• Can take classes and learn the subtle art of domination.

My point is, as someone mentioned in another thread, it is not simply about a costume and abuse. There are many levels of domination. I find that a true Dom, or a Dom in training has a natural intuition others may not have on "reading" what the client needs and can learn their risk tolerance by reading body language, voice tones, and other subtle signs. Do you think these things can be taught?

Other things that ALL Doms learn are things like how to spank slowly and get the blood flowing to the area in order not to create bruising. If tying someone, placing a silk scarf on the wrist or other body parts not to leave red marks. Trampling with the sole of your shoe and not the heel and using the heel on the client based on their tolerance level.

Knowing what level of domination a client asks for is a hard thing to gauge, sometimes it is simple verbal humiliation, or just being bound and teased...It is simple to ask, but to evaluation a clients needs is the real trick. Intuition plays a key part in this. Instinctively knowing if your client desires water play by his hints and picking them up is also important. The important thing is to listen prior to silence the client if that is what they secretly desire. The "stop" word is also something all Doms practice. establishing trust is also a key part of this. I personally don't think a sub can be turned into a Domina.

The chemicals that are released into the brain are also an important part of this. Knowing what "aftercare" is and how to achieve it at the right time can create a Stockholm Syndrome effect. It can create feelings of love, for stoppling the mental or physical pain endured by the client. THAT is what keeps a client coming back. We must also know when that feeling may become too much for the client and they can develop an unhealthy obsession.

It's not about the abuse, it's the adrenaline and the release of chemicals and how to create it. I find that some, not all "Doms" don't really get that.

I also find that clients simply sometimes want to "confess" and want their punishment suited to what they think they deserve. Some clients are in charge all day. They are in powerful positions in their work and at home, and simply want someone to make the decisions for them if only for an hour or two. Some simply want to serve and will do so with content.

Finally the "Financial Domination" is just what the civilian world calls marriage. I don't think a true Dom needs to control the finances of the client. IMHO that is a simple act of greed.

I guess I would like to know if you all feel this can be taught to a person that already has these tendencies? I think it can with the right candidate it can be. What are your opinions?

[Krunkman]

Natural vs. Learned - There are some that have a natural inclination towards it, much like there are "born" leaders. But that doesn't mean you are superior to anyone who "just" learned how to be that way. In some ways spending the time and effort to learn can make you a superior dominant simply because you have more exposure to different ideas and activities than a natural one.

The "old guard", primarily gay culture, had a very firm and fast rule. If you wanted to be a master, you first had to be a slave. So you had to work you way out of the collar and into your master's leathers. It was the only way the community would accept you as a master. We don't have anything like that today though. Anyone can annoint theirself with whatever title they want, with no skills, training or even empathy with which to work with their bottoms. It's kind of sad actually after you have run into many of the posers and manipulators.

Also domination is not always about physical or mental abuse. It's often perceived that to be a dominant you have to hit/beat/humiliate a slave to show them who is in power. But that's not true. Domination comes from within, and with it you inspire your submissive to want to submit to you to fulfill their own internal needs.

And I agree that it can be difficult to know how to play well with someone you have first met for a session. When I have been in that situation I take things slow, looking for the feedback from them (watching for visual cues, as well as talking to them). From there I slowly ramp up to the level of intensity that I think is adequate for the session we are doing. I never play super heavy with a stranger - that's just asking for trouble in my book. But I also do it for fun, and not as a job, so I'm not under the time crunch that a pro is either. In any case, communication is paramount.

And yes, it's very much about getting into subspace that is the hallmark of a really good session. Some of that is controllable by the dom, but not all of it. Even the best dom's can't always make that happen. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it happens and works... and other times it doesn't. That's just the way it is.

As for financial domination... From my experience I've never seen it happen that works out to a mutually beneficial arrangement. They've always been more about take and less about giving something back in return. I find it sad that the individuals who are giving the money are so weak willed that they cannot say "no" to the person they are giving money too. If they aren't going to stand up for their own self-interests (and they are grown men), then there's not much you can do for them except pity them.

[sofiaofhouston]

I fully agree with you Krunk! It's not about a costume and being cruel. It takes learning and patience to be good at what you do. A good Dom will not watch the clock so much as wait for the desired result. That is what will bring the client back for more. Results....

[Lion26]

There is no "one true way".

Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.

[Krunkman]

Wut? You are saying the "One Twue Path" is an illusion????

[sofiaofhouston]

That have turned out to be excellent. I taught through letting them watch and telling them exactly what I was doing. I let the sub know too. I explain to them things such as nipple pinching is better done with a countdown to let the sub know exactly when the sensation would end. This way you get an excellent Dom and a trained sub at the same time.

[enigma878]

i think being Dom and becoming a Dom are two different things. The best Dom would be the one who is bent or hard wired that way. The second would be a learned process using keys to act it out.

[Nikkiforfun]

Originally Posted by Krunkman

Natural vs. Learned - There are some that have a natural inclination towards it, much like there are "born" leaders. But that doesn't mean you are superior to anyone who "just" learned how to be that way. In some ways spending the time and effort to learn can make you a superior dominant simply because you have more exposure to different ideas and activities than a natural one.

The "old guard", primarily gay culture, had a very firm and fast rule. If you wanted to be a master, you first had to be a slave. So you had to work you way out of the collar and into your master's leathers. It was the only way the community would accept you as a master. We don't have anything like that today though. Anyone can annoint theirself with whatever title they want, with no skills, training or even empathy with which to work with their bottoms. It's kind of sad actually after you have run into many of the posers and manipulators.

Also domination is not always about physical or mental abuse. It's often perceived that to be a dominant you have to hit/beat/humiliate a slave to show them who is in power. But that's not true. Domination comes from within, and with it you inspire your submissive to want to submit to you to fulfill their own internal needs.

And I agree that it can be difficult to know how to play well with someone you have first met for a session. When I have been in that situation I take things slow, looking for the feedback from them (watching for visual cues, as well as talking to them). From there I slowly ramp up to the level of intensity that I think is adequate for the session we are doing. I never play super heavy with a stranger - that's just asking for trouble in my book. But I also do it for fun, and not as a job, so I'm not under the time crunch that a pro is either. In any case, communication is paramount.

And yes, it's very much about getting into subspace that is the hallmark of a really good session. Some of that is controllable by the dom, but not all of it. Even the best dom's can't always make that happen. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it happens and works... and other times it doesn't. That's just the way it is.

As for financial domination... From my experience I've never seen it happen that works out to a mutually beneficial arrangement. They've always been more about take and less about giving something back in return. I find it sad that the individuals who are giving the money are so weak willed that they cannot say "no" to the person they are giving money too. If they aren't going to stand up for their own self-interests (and they are grown men), then there's not much you can do for them except pity them.

Great points, Krunk. I think it's important for anyone wanting to be a Dom/Domme or even just "Top" to practice on the receiving end of the whip before handing one him or herself. Empathy improves ability in this instance.

[Guest061511-2]

I was definitely not born. I was made. Having said that, I have dominant tendencies/traits. I participated as a bottom some for the learning experience, but did not get anything out of it.
I watched and participated never doing anything beyond my capabilities. I read extensively, and started on my own with an experienced lifestyle submissive. He actually taught me whole lot, but tried top me from the bottom. I corrected that over time though! IMO, the most important traits of a good dominant are: being ethical, creative, intuitive, and empathetic. And most importantly Enjoying it!!