Addiction/Neurosis/What's Normal Anyway?

[jfred]

A young woman of recent acquaintance slipped the repressive bonds of her childhood about a year ago and did her clumsy boyfriend.. In the last 2 or 3 months she's discovered the internet and it's been kind of a fuckfest for her. All for free btw. A few days ago she told me that she'd been to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting the previous evening.

I understand folks getting scared by their own behavior and getting help, that's not a problem. But I do question treating the urge toward promiscuity as an addiction to be cured, a neurosis or pathology to be excised or squelched.

Today and tomorrow I will have sex with 4 women. It could have been six but I'm old. Does anybody have a problem with that?

[Jackie S]

What everybody is calling "addictions" are really nothing more than Human Nature.

We scowl at compulsive behavior. Religious People condemn it.

Two of the greatest men in The Bible: One, David, had one of his top Generals killed so he could have his wife.
Solomon was so darned horny he just about had a wife for every day of the year.
When your dick is so hard you will commit murder, now THAT is compulsive behavior.

Addictions are only a danger when they bring harm. If you are stealing from your kids to buy smokes or pussy, then you need to seek help.

What is considered "normal" behavior in one society is condemned in another.

In this Country, they will throw your butt in jail forever if you even think about messing around with a minor. (rightfully so). But, we had an old joke in Vietnam that said a Virgin was a 12 year old girl that could out run her own father.

[China Doll]

A true sex addiction is rare, but it exists. As with all addictions, there have to be problems caused by the behaviors and urges. It has to seriously disrupt the person's life. A true sex addict would have sex with a homeless woman an hour after having sex with a Playboy bunny if he had the opportunity. The phrase "sex addict" is grossly overused.

[Fast Gunn]

The sexual drive is built into the human mechanism.

However, if that drive is too strong it can easily overwhelm judgment.

When that line is crossed is when the sexual drive can become a serious problem.

I think that all of us who can look back impartially at our teenage years will see that our own judgment was seriously impaired by the heat of the sexual drive, but at the time who of us realized it was even a problem?

[London Rayne]

I don't know if I would always go as far as to call it "addiction" but do think many people need to practice more self control. I am rare in that I don't view sex as I do here on my off time. By that, my life is not about sex!! I don't engage in casual sex with random people, nor do I bring home random men whom I am not in a relationship with, am not a swinger, don't do the 3 way thing with boyfriends I love, spend countless hours watching porn or lusting over the hot guy who walks by. Can't recall the last time I had a "real" date in fact, but for some that's exactly the life they lead and it works for them.

Bottom line is anything you can't say NO to or allow to rule over you, is some sort of an addiction. If you can't stop yourself from doing something knowing it is causing you problems, yes you need some help. Usually that help is realizing you are just all about you and your own gratification. I mean we don't cheat to make the other person feel better lmao!

Just because it's human nature does not mean you have to give in to every single urge that comes your way. That's why you have skinny and fat people. Some have self control to put down the hot dog, and some don't. You have people who operate in integrity when it comes to success, and you have those that cheat, rob, and manipulate to get to the top. It is all about SELF control...some choose not to bother with this.

Then you have those who "Don't think they are EVER doing anything wrong" as a way of rationalizing so they feel better about themselves in the midst of it.

Live the way you want, and deal with the good or bad that come from your decisions....that's about it.

[China Doll]

I agree, London Rayne, with your idea that we needn't give in to every urge we have. It makes it difficult for people in the hobby when a partner tries to do something risky because of a powerful temporary sexual urge.

I do have to take exception to your idea about thinner and larger people. As a scientifically-oriented person, let me just say that I don't think it's quite that simple. Either way, I think we got your point.

[London Rayne]

Sorry for the faulty analogy lol. I do realize that some people are not overweight because of over eating and that thyroid issues can play a part, but on the grand scale we do tend to cause our own issues then want to blame someone or something else. Notice I said "we" as I am not perfect by far. I can't believe I used the words, "can't put down the hot dog" lmao!

Wishing you a Merry Christmas love!

[China Doll]

Same to you! And thanks for understanding that I wasn't trying to piss you off with that comment. Sometimes I have trouble not commenting on the nitpickiest little details...maybe that's an urge I should be working on.

[London Rayne]

Nah I get you lol.

[rrabbit6926]

+1

[jfred]

I think a lot of people need sexual healing.

I'm not sure that any approach that perceives sex as the problem can ever really offer that. The overtly religious approach links sexual urges with the devil (bottom line). The addiction approach links natural internal human sexual urges with narcotics (bottom line). Do those approaches have their "successes"? Yes, I suppose, if your goal is to control that immoral or dangerous sexual behavior by tamping it down.

I just don't see how people who take those routes ever get the component of guilt (or shame or some moral defect on their part) out of their sexual experience. That may give control of behavior -- but healing...? I'm not so sure about that.

[China Doll]

Sexual urges can be a problem if they control your life. Sexual behaviors can also be very destructive.

[London Rayne]

There is not one method that solves everything. It's really not that difficult to control your own emotions when prompted with an even more serious emotion.

Take for example...what if you had to choose between losing someone most dear to you or giving up the one thing you thought you could not live without. Would you do it then? I bet you would. Humans are all about self until presented with something that they love more than themselves...usually a family member.

For instance, if you had a mother who you loved more than anyone or anything in the world and were told that if you did not stop doing x she would die...would you stop doing x to save her life?

We are only weak until we are no longer allowed to be...until we have to put someone else first. You can call blame the devil or whatever, but the fact is that eventually all bad behavior leads to serious issues. If I knew doing what I do now would not hurt me in my personal life, I would not hide my face. Most men don't want to lose their house, or the wife and kids either or they would not be so worried about giving out their personal info.

Some have an addiction and some have a "what about my needs" issue. Both are dealt with differently but stem from the same theory...self.

[jfred]

LR, are you saying ("We are only weak until we are no longer allowed to be...") that my desire to have sex often and not always with the same woman is a weakness? And how might I (an unmarried, sexually active male) put someone else first as it relates to my sex life? You may be getting a little off track.

China Doll, wouldn't you agree that it's destructive sexual behaviors (or ANYTHING that "controls your life") that are destructive? Is promiscuity inherently destructive? Do you think focused purposeful promiscuity might ever lie along the path to sexual healing? I do. And I don't think either the religious or addiction approaches would recognize that as valid.

Edit: LR I was just reading your addition to your last post. A decision not to make a plain connection between one's face (or other identifying details) and one's sexually-related (and illegal) occupation, in a forum open to anyone in the whole fucking world, doesn't mean that what you're doing is "bad", does it? You seem only prudent to me.

And you mentioned the fear that so many men find associated with their sexual behavior -- specifically the fear of repercussions. Does it occur to anyone that fear goes hand-in-glove with all their sexual experiences from their earliest remembrances?

Why is it that for so many people sex is consistently connected to fear, and loss and guilt and shame and failure and frustration? Is sex the problem? Do ya get what I'm gettin' at?

[China Doll]

Originally Posted by jfred

China Doll, wouldn't you agree that it's destructive sexual behaviors are destructive? Is promiscuity inherently destructive? Do you think focused purposeful promiscuity might ever lie along the path to sexual healing? I do. And I don't think either the religious or addiction approaches would recognize that as valid.

Yes, destructive sexual behaviors are destructive, but obsessive urges alone can be destructive as well. I think the miscommunication you and I are having originates from the fact that you are putting down people who view sex as a problem when we're talking about sex addiction, which is inherently a bad thing.

If I am misunderstanding you and you really DO mean that sex addicts can be helped with purposeful promiscuity, then I say, "Hogwash." If I am right in that you are speaking about something else, then yes, "sexual healing" could be a good thing for many people.