Intense D/s Play

[Guest042015]

Sometimes you really hit it off with another kinkster, that being said the intensity of a well taken care of hobby relationship as far as D/s goes can be very high. I am a sub, that’s no shocker to most of you.


I was in a long term hobby D/s relationship where we knew each other very well after more than a year of playing. The intensity of the play was more than I’ve ever even done in a real relationship, the meshing of kinks and exploration of mental play was unparalleled.


We both finally realized it had gone too far and there was a mutual emotional attachment, so it was time to stop seeing each other. I feel so vulnerable without him, my Dom is gone, my friend, my confidant, my lover. I have experienced the loss before but not to such a magnitude.


When such trust is given to another person, when limits are pushed to this extent, when someone else knows you better than you know yourself, then it is taken away what do you do? Being the sub/baby girl, needing leadership and suddenly being without…it is a shock to my system.


I feel like a sail that's not properly anchored, flailing around grasping for anything. And all that does is make me put my guard up more because I know in this weakened state I would hold onto damn near anything, which would be a bad decision. And I don't like piling bad on top of bad...


No, I am not so naïve to think that this day wouldn’t come, hell it was even a mutual decision, but I am still floundering about. I feel like people in my life don’t really understand because of the D/s aspect wrapped into the loss of a close friend.


How do you handle it? Should I just go fuck everything in sight and distract myself? Should I allow appropriate grieving time? Should I toughen up because this is the hobby after all?


With the loss of a Domme/Dom/sub what additional struggles have you faced?

[Ms. Athena]

DD, it is a loss. You had a deep relationship and it has now come to a end. Allow yourself to grieve. But then it is time to move on and look forward to your future playmates and hopefully for you a life long Dom. Take what you have gained and learned from your experiences, the joys and the woes and put them into your future to know more what direction you should go in. Im sending a warm hug your way. Hang tough~~

[DallasRain]

ditto with above!

Hang in there and keep at attention....karma will reward you with new experiences!

[mm-good]

I agree , allow your self to grieve this loss. Treasure it for what it was.

(If however you decide to fuck it out of your system - ahem, ahem )

[pmdelites]

all of the above.

plus your current state shows me that you are human, that you care deeply about relationships, and that you recognized the safety limits of a hobby relationship.

while you may not go thru the "anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, death" phases that elisabeth kubler ross wrote about, it is still a loss.

so, in a buddhist kind of view, feel it, experience it, relive it, but remember it is not you. it was just a relationship.

and move on to the next phase of your life, rich with the experiences and knowledge and sensations.

peace be with you!

[pickupkid]

Keep your head up....you will find another partner kiss kiss

[Falcon58]

DD..I'm sorry to hear of the end of your relationship. I can relate to that, and it does leave a gap that is difficult to fill. But if you take it a day at a time, there will be other things that you find that will captivate your interest in different ways that you will also take a lot of enjoyment from. :-)

[LondonSub]

Originally Posted by pmdelites

all of the above.

in a buddhist kind of view, feel it, experience it, relive it, but remember it is not you. it was just a relationship.

and move on to the next phase of your life, rich with the experiences and knowledge and sensations.

This sounds like great advice to me. DD, as a fellow submissive, although I am not nearly as experienced as you are, I think I would feel very sad and or empty if I wasn't able to meet the various ladies who dominate me. Of course we both know since it's a "hobby" relationship, the time will come when they will either retire or quit for whatever reason. And yeah, it's especially hard because subs like us deal in fairly extreme emotional situations sometimes during a meeting (I'm very sensitive, and I cry often during a session). I think it's only human to form some kind of attachment, especially when the dominant is also providing aftercare, and you get that kind of support from them afterwards. I think for a submissive, after the relationship ends, this is probably a time when he or she needs to find some inner strength deep down and channel it into something positive. The thing I've found that has always kind of saddened me about BDSM is that ultimately Doms/Dommes don't NEED us subs, like we need them. A true dominant, could probably feel fondness for the sub, and like spending time with them, but they could easily move on to another sub. Maybe this is not entirely true, but that's what I've found in my personal experience anyway. Or maybe it's just that I'm into the more extreme forms of dominance, where they're calling me names and humiliating me etc- it's probably very hard for a dom to feel respect (let alone affection) for someone whose face they're stepping on and who they're calling all kinds of derogatory names. I dunno, maybe I'm doing it wrong but I really don't feel like the dommes who see me get anything out of it at all, I'm just another client to them, and they would not miss me if I was gone. Whereas I would go to the ends of the earth for them. It's like this huge mismatch. But like I say, this is just my personal experience. I hope you find a way to get past this period of sadness and move on to the next stage of your life. Be strong.

[Grey_Wolf]

DD, I do feel for you. Of course, as almost everyone has said, it is the nature of the business. I've been working in a business where that is always true about not getting too tied up in it (not in a literal sense, mind you) although it does happen. I don't expect the same stoic personality from a provider that I would expect from the people I've worked with in the regard to a "Just get over it & move on" attitude about it. All you can really do is learn from your past, plan for your future, say a prayer & just keep living through today in the hope that things will get better. Best of luck to you, DD.

[Guest042015]

I just wanted to say a warm "Thank You" for the kind words and advice. It helps knowing there are people that have either been there or know what I'm talking about. A little compassion makes it easier to deal with.

Sincerely,
DD

[TexasBoy]

You have brought great pleasure to me, I wish the best for you....

[Sonya]

Big hugs. I asked my Daddy/Dom.to release me when I started the hobby. It was very hard. I fucked my way through it. And cried on my best friends shoulders when I needed to. I couldn't play any bdsm sessions until only recently. It's a process. The emotional bond that's created by a Dom is intense to say the least.

[DallasRain]

I luv ya DD!!

[mwsatx]

Treasure the memories. Let yourself grieve. Each person that comes through your life becomes a little part of you in one way or another. Your feelings are raw right now, but there will come a time when you look back on things and smile that gorgeous little mischievous smile of yours. You're an amazing, strong woman - and you WILL get through this.

And if you decide you want a shoulder to cry on or if you want to fuck your way through it, well, you know where to find me

[Deviant Bastard]

At least you ladies had someone to grieve for.

I'm surrounded by people who think foreplay is looking at truck commercials in their undies and anything that feels good is SIN!

Avoid Oklahoma at ALL COSTS. A sexual wasteland full of wannabes, wankers, timewasters, and too many who only pay lip service to kink.

Games, bs, and ignorance of so many of the practices folks on Another Realm know to be routine.

Please get me out of here before I shoot myself!