To Hobbyists with an SO...(or Providers with one)

[DFK Hunter]

Jericho99,
Good post, been there. I was thinking of writing something similar, you did much better than I would have. Thank you.

[looiecypher]

Dragonfly you and I have already met and I plan on seeing you again.
I just wanted to say that you have a very refreshing attitude about sex and I appreciate that.
Personally I never feel guilt after a sesssion.I love sex and would never apologize.
I am single so a SO isn't a problem.If I did have one I wouldn't hobby.

[ftwranchman]

Originally Posted by Big Jake

If she was treating me at home as well as I treat her, This hobby would have been gone long ago.

I have to agree with Big Jake. My wife calls herself sexual, but I only get sex from her before I go on trips (2 to 3 times a year). I get to eat her once every other month, then watch her fall asleep while I go take care of myself in the bathroom. She has not L2'd me since our first year of being married (10 years ago).
My life in the hobby started by accident. I was on a trip to New Zealand. I went to what I thought was a strip club. Turns out it was a legal brothel. I felt remourse for quite a while, but lost it since I can't get her to change.

Sorry. I think I vented a bit.

[nomad15]

Originally Posted by Tony Patella

Well, I may be the "odd man out" on this one, but here's my slant for what it's worth. Although I'm single, and have never been married (Ugh, I'm no prize!) if a dating relationship progresses to "committed status" then I'll put the hobby shoes away for a while. It's just my way of investing in the relationship at hand. For the last couple of years, that hasn't been an issue.

Interestingly enough, I still get a twinge of guilt every once in a while. Why? I guess that in some cases I feel that the lady I've been with clearly wouldn't have chosen this path for her life, yet saw no alternatives. In those instances, it's almost as if I've taken advantage of her life situation. Odd, I know. But we're all wired differently.

TP

Tony and here i thought i was the odd man out....
I have no SO and my last GF was in about 92 {in my 20,s}.
I think i was mainly drawn to the hobby as a way to experience being intimate
with a woman after 7 or 8 yrs of being celibate.(not by choice).
The time i spend with a provider is wonderful and usually a great experience.
It's the after when i feel the guilt or shame, not sure which it is.
it comes from knowing the only way i get intimacy is by paying for it.
Guilt or shame i'm not sure which,but it's always there when i make the drive home. it really makes me feel very sad about what my life has become.
So about 4 times a yr i visit one of these beautiful ladies for a bit of the intimacy i do not get in life,and deal with the guilt/shame.
although the guilt/shame seems to get worse as the years pass bye...
Just wonder does anyone else have this problem?
thanks...

[Orange]

Nomad -- not just you.

I always feel guilt. A little bit like you describe, and a little bit for engaging in a hobby that, while for many women is an empowered choice, for many is not.

For some women it is desperation, for some it is a form of slavery, and for some it is simply giving up. The problem is that it's very hard to know which situation a girl really is in.

A little bit is personal guilt, some of it social. There's even some economical guilt -- how can I justify spending money on that, when I have a mortgage to pay off? And even socio-economic -- there are starving kids in Africa, and this is what I'm putting money toward?

Still going, am I unwittingly contributing to the entrapment of a woman (be it physical restraints or emotional)? Am I contributing to a drug habit? Am I keeping money flowing into the pockets of an abusive system for that woman?

And, beyond that, there's always the fear that I pick something up and the guilt associated if I pass it along.

One could say I have a guilt complex; but these are all things that enter my mind after a session. And like Nomad, it's always after.

I haven't hobbied while with a significant other, even though the temptation has been there. I've never been married.

It's a complex issue for me, and one I'm glad to know others have.

[Guest021710-3]

I don't have any feelings of guilt after leaving a provider, especially my ATF. After years on quarterly intimacy (well it seemed like it) and being blamed for the problem...she finally admitted that it was not me and proceeded to do nothing. This left me with the decision to leave, continue in my misery, look for a GF on the side, or join the hobby. I have a strong emotional attachment and deeply loved this person, which is why I have stayed in the relationship. After a year of consideration, I took the least drastic way and became a hobbist. Before this relationship, I never strayed. So, I did not make this decision lightly.

[Sensei]

I seem to be like a few here, when I first started hobbying it was because "others" where doing it and I didn't want to stand out. But these were far and few between and I felt a bit of guilt because my SO was still affectionate so I had no "need" to hobby. But after retirement I began hobbying because my SO has decided that once every three months or so was good enough, and she has also decided that a wam-bam would also suffice. I figured that if that is what she is happy with then that is what she will get, but as for me I need/want more and if that means getting it from a provider then so be it. I figure its better to see a provider with NSA then to find someone on the side which may complicate things.

[JuxJonny]

Everyone here have a good point but when it comes to ur own happiness, U gotta do what makes U happy. Having guilt after U doing it do U no good. So therefore I have no guilt, I know what am doing is wrong but I really LOVE myself!!! If my SO cant make me happy than who will except for ME. Call me selfish..

[npita]

While I was hobbying, I had no SO. Now that I have an SO, I do not hobby. My SO knows I used to hobby and since she has been cheated on in the past, she has asked me to tell her if I wanted something more. Fortunately, that is not the case. If anything, I'd have to say she is understanding in that we probably have sex less often than she would like and she really likes to do those things most guys look to providers to satisfy. I would feel very guilty if I started hobbying at this point but my SO has taken care of all of the reasons I hobbied in the first place and then some.

What's interesting is that I started dating after a provider friend of mine told me I needed to be dating and not hobbying. After arguing with her for a while, I took her advice. Sometimes what you learn about yourself in the hobby can put you on the right path. I now have the best of both worlds. My SO knows I have providers as friends and is very axious to meet the one I consider my best friend (you know who you are).

[Guest012211-3]

One of the main reasons I have continued in this line of "work" for so long is because I'm single. I have casually dated in the past, and because it wasn't a serious relationship I never felt guilty. However, If I am lucky enough to find someone that I truly love, then game over for me.

[Tony Patella]

I started hobbying a while back in the aftermath of a nasty breakup. (Caught my fiance in bed with another gent...oh well, such is life.) My activity has ebbed and flowed based on my dating status. Like Nicole, if it's a casual thing I continue to hobby based on my interest. The few times that any of these relationships have escalated a bit, I've eased out for the duration.

I often wonder if I didn't hobby, would I date more? No idea, but I always hope that sooner or later the "right one" will sashay into my life and then I'll retire quietly. I know, call em a foolish dreamer...

[butt_her]

Great discussion topic! I’m surprised it continues.
Although I don’t hobby all that much, initially, I too felt guilt but later realized I was here because of what she would not do at home. For the longest, I could not understand why she was so uninterested in sex.
I honestly believe that most women in committed relationships don’t understand the importance of sex to men.
Thank God for the hobby AND Eccie!

LOL

[MaxiMilyen]

This is an interesting topic and one that should be addressed, if nothing else so people can communicate and have the sense that there are others who share the feelings we all have experienced.

As for guilt after a session....delete the word rationalize and understand that your need for physical and maybe even emotional intimacy is, for most gents in the hobby, not being met. We all have the right/desire/longing to experience healthy physical intimacy. We all develop these physical and emotional needs for intimacy, period. While we do have a choice to control those needs, why on earth would anyone deprive themselves of the need to be intimate and close with our fellow human beings when we all know it literally makes us "nuts" in one way or another not to have this simple need/desire met?

Paying for a discreet encounter (let's face it...discretion is what's paid for as much or more so than anything else in order to protect your SO) with a woman who has come to realize we all have needs IS the safest way to go. Granted, it may not be her first choice of occupation, but she has chosen to be the one who provides those needs for you and most ladies here have a very healthy attitude about what they do for you and for themselves.

Personally, I have chosen to never again deny myself the wonderful experience of healthy physical intimacy. Life is really too short and I have every intention of living every day enjoying as much as I can. I refuse to allow the societal imposed impressions on what is right or wrong concerning my physical and emotional well being, when it comes to intimacy, dictate what I do, whom I do it with or how I feel about it. I choose to think for myself and feel my own feelings.

Sorry so long winded about this subject, but I hate that anyone would beat themselves for acting on the natural needs and desires we all experience.

[Cowboy2Step]

Hi, my name is Cowboy2Step and I am a Sexaholic...

I have a very active and at times very kinky sexual relationship with my SO of 12 years, she would be devistated to know I participate in the hobby, while we have had up and downs like any relationship, we have sex 3-4 times a week, my biggest complaint is she is not a real big kisser (most of the time). I guess that is why the intense DFK from providers is important to me, and have had some PSE that just wouldn't ever happen, ie 3some.

Have I felt guilty, yes, but I always get over it, usually it is more nervousness...did I leave any uncovered tracks...don't want to hurt her by getting caught. I feel like participating in the hobby is not detrimental to our relationship like having an affair...that involves too much of the heart.

So am I the only asshole sicko out here, that is in a happy relationship to a beautiful woman with a good sex life, but continues to hobby? I love her, but I love loving other women too?