Weird Sex...But in a Funny Way

[txcwby6]

Thought a slightly more humorous thread might be in order.

When I lived in Houston I hooked up with this really HOT young lady in the legal profession; tall, blonde, big round ass and a nice set of tits on top. We met for a couple of Happy Hours, dancing..and finally ended up one evening at her apartment. I was ready to eat and fuck this woman for as long as she'd allow. We walked into a very dark apartment. I noticed a funny "smell" but chalked it up to some old trash or something until she turned on the lights and I noticed all the fucking rabbits in the place! There must've been at least 5 in plain sight. The legs of all her furniture had gnaw marks so she must have let her hoppy firends ahve run of the apartment while she was out. She turned to face me, dropped her hands on my shoulders and pulled me in for a really hot DFK. I could tell she was wanting some sex but I was having trouble getting into the DFK'ing b/c I kept hearing those fucking bunnies and realized what "that smell" must've been. As she pulled me towards her bedroom I suspected that she must've thought I was having a stroke because I was staggering and stumbling as I tried to avoid stepping on the little...."brown bullets" on the rug.

I was ready to flee but she started If she started massaging my cock thru my slacks and my common sense was defeated by the "other head" that was interested in seeing this girl naked and she wasn't acting dis-inclined. I stood at the end of the bed as she unzipped me and several bunnies hopped into the room to join us. I snapped back to the real world, apologized and told her the rabbits were just too much for me to handle. She seemed totally surpirsed, but nodded her head and walked me to the door. I drove back to my place utterly stunned and frustrated. I took a shower and tried to give myself some relief but couldn't conjure up an image that didn't have rabbit crap and that smell in it. I think it took the better part of 2 weeks before I cleared out both heads.

[Guest112916]

This reminds me of the episode of Everyone Loves Raymond where Robert goes home witht he hot girl from the bar after Ray sees her catch & eat a fly at dinner. When they get to her apartment and she turns out the lights, the entire apartment is filled with frogs and even though she's hot he escapes out the window in the rain.

[txcwby6]

This girl was a natural blonde. Not that being blonde makes you any crazier than any other girl, but, perhaps, those roots were in a bit too deep.

[Dharma]

That's hysterical! I love reading these "WTF" experiences. I saw that episode of ELR too and thought to myself "yeah, that could happen".

[Invisible1]

Talking about curious pets and weird sex. I dated a girl who had the most unbelieveably sweet and friendly domestic indoor female cat. She explained that her cat always slept with her and often slept on her head or chest. Anyhow, my girlfriend brings me back to her place one evening and we are on top of the bed covers is one of many mish positions.......Then it happened....That cute curious cat jumped up on the bed and had to get a close look and sniff of what was going on. Before I know it I am feeling whiskers tickling my inner thighs as I am sliding in and out of a very wet other kitty. Oh my........Then I, well we, well the three of us entered into the wacky weird sex world when a little touch from a tiny friendly wet nose was followed by the lick of a sandpaper tongue on my right nut.... That moment was my first and only FMF encounter that included a cat.

[xwerz24]

Originally Posted by Invisible1

Talking about curious pets and weird sex. I dated a girl who had the most unbelieveably sweet and friendly domestic indoor female cat. She explained that her cat always slept with her and often slept on her head or chest. Anyhow, my girlfriend brings me back to her place one evening and we are on top of the bed covers is one of many mish positions.......Then it happened....That cute curious cat jumped up on the bed and had to get a close look and sniff of what was going on. Before I know it I am feeling whiskers tickling my inner thighs as I am sliding in and out of a very wet other kitty. Oh my........Then I, well we, well the three of us entered into the wacky weird sex world when a little touch from a tiny friendly wet nose was followed by the lick of a sandpaper tongue on my right nut.... That moment was my first and only FMF encounter that included a cat.

Invisible, good thing the cat decided to use its tongue rather than bat at the swinging balls with its razor-sharp claws.

[txcwby6]

Originally Posted by Von Spieler

This reminds me of the episode of Everyone Loves Raymond where Robert goes home witht he hot girl from the bar after Ray sees her catch & eat a fly at dinner. When they get to her apartment and she turns out the lights, the entire apartment is filled with frogs and even though she's hot he escapes out the window in the rain.

Yeah...this was a long, long time before the frog bit was on TV. It was a real pity that this girl was so weird b/c se had a banging hot body that looked made for sex. I can't even imagine anyone being willing to put up with crazy shit like that.

[TexTushHog]

I once had a girl's German Shepard sneak up from behind and put its rather cold nose in a sensitive spot resulting in a very forceful, quick, and deep thrust. I nearly sent the gal through the headboard. The dog's nose on my ass scared me to death!!

[Spikebaby]

I have a "friend" who likes to come to my incall dressed in a FULL BODY GORILLA suit while the theme from "Planet of the Apes" is playing in the background! (true story, you can't make this stuff up)

Pierre Boulle would be so proud!

The Original Jenna of Dallas
Spikebaby

[George Spelvin]

Never have anal sex after a fish dinner.

Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning.

Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

We hadn�t been dating that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been dating a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, �Use your whole fist for Christ�s sake.�

On one now infamous date night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upscale seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert �was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch,� she said. I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DUI, during the drive back to my place.

By the time we got into my apartment, we were tearing each other�s clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious ass to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard cock missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my cock began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me.

�No. In my ass,� she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time.
�Are you sure,� I asked?
She giggled as she said, �If I could handle last night. . .�
Oh yeah, I thought. Last night�s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her asshole with her own pussy juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely stink-star. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her ass-cheeks.

�Go slowly,� she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her ass-iris, I slowly began inserting again.

�Yeeeeees!� she moaned and began diddling her clit. Soon she said, �Faster.� So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my cock became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her clit like she was trying to start a friction-fire in her pussy.

�Gnnnnnnnah!� she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that ass even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter.
�Gnnnnnahstoooop,� she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster.
�YES!� I screamed.
She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy�
��Stop!� she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed. The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my cock out of her ass like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my cock coming out of her ass.
�Arrrrrrgh!� She screamed, as I yanked my cock free. And then it happened.
Immediately after my cock popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea.
�What the�-?� I said, not able to get the word �fuck� out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach.
�Oh. My. Fucking. God.� I murmured, completely shell-shocked. Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my dresser. I stared at my shit-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had poop on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: Killed in Action. A total loss.

I looked at my date, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, �Oh my god, what if she�s dead?� But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine. I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her ass rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, �Even the Devil would feel sympathetic,� to describe this night.

I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don�t remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn�t come soon enough.

�It was food poisoning,� her voicemail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, �The fish.� More silence. �Sorry.� She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her. I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There�s only one other experience in my life that entered into the �Even the Devil would feel sympathetic� category, and frankly I don�t know if I�ll ever be able to tell that story. Let�s just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. . .but she shouldn�t be more comfortable standing up while she pees.

[rxram03]

Originally Posted by Von Spieler

This reminds me of the episode of Everyone Loves Raymond where Robert goes home witht he hot girl from the bar after Ray sees her catch & eat a fly at dinner. When they get to her apartment and she turns out the lights, the entire apartment is filled with frogs and even though she's hot he escapes out the window in the rain.

I remember that episode. Robert had to leave by escaping out the window while it was raining. Then that episode had to end in a sad (and almost realistic way for most single people) with him stating that he just has to accept the fact that there is no other half for him.

[Guest112916]

Oh yeah, I blocked out the lonely ending..

George Spelvin..WTF?? What's the matter with you?..LOL. I think you posted thatin the wrong thread. It starts out hot as hell, then becomes a biological warfare atack of disturbing disgustingness...AWESOME! yet with a sad ending too. I have such mixed emotions about that post...LOL

[PODarkness]

George, that was funny... and I would have called her back.

[Brass Balls]

I think this qualifies as weird sex. After my divorce from the iron box, who thought foreplay was dinner, a movie, and two weeks of begging, I met a lady who was everything my ex wasn't. Horny! As in 24/7 horny. And she was a hottie to boot, an ex lingerie model. So I'm making up for lost fucking and seriously trying to kill myself by seeing how many times I can go in and out of her orifices with my dick. We had been together about two months when late one evening we ended up at her place for the first time. I don't remember exactly why but for whatever reason we had just never gone to her place.

A note before continuing, this was a very nice looking lady in her late 30s that dressed nice, was educated, well spoken, and owned her own business. And happened to be a nympho. So we hadn't seen each other all week as I was out of town and because of her I was no longer a sexual camel so I was horny as hell. She picked me up at the airport wearing a little sundress and promptly announces it's all she has on and she's been playing with herself all day under her desk at work. It's fairly late as we're driving and she's all over me attempting to give me a BJ right there on I635. I nearly wreck three times when she says her place is closer than mine so let's just go there tonight. I've got my things from my trip so I figure what the hell.

We get to her condo and she doesn't even bother to turn on the lights, we just crash on the living room floor and go at it like rabbits (sorry txcwby6) for what seemed like hours. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning to daylight and voices. It seems she has a daughter, as in a 20 year old daughter who I later found out was a waitress at Hooters. As my eyes slowly come into focus I see her daughter standing over us (we are both naked on the floor without a blanket in sight) and she's barely wearing anything at all. I'm starting to think I should be thanking my lucky stars as her mother, my girlfriend, is carrying on a casual conversation with her while lying there naked as a jaybird as if it's perfectly normal. As the fog continues to clear from my brain I slowly begin to notice my surroundings. My God! The mess in this place was simply indescribable. You couldn't have cleaned this place with a D10 Caterpillar bulldozer. I had never in my life, and even to this day, seen a mess like this. And I've been to many legitimate third world countries in my life. I seriously felt like getting dressed as fast as I could and running to a clinic to get as many shots as possible. The only thing more unbelievable than the mess in the living room was the mess I soon discovered in the bathroom (I could only hold my pee for so long). To say the place was a pigsty would be insulting to pigs.

Hot sexy nympho mom and possibilities with her even more hot daughter wasn't enough to overcome what I was seeing and the relationship petered out shortly after that night.

[Dharma]

[QUOTE=George Spelvin;3209361
....Oh yeah, I thought. Last night�s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower.....[/QUOTE]


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the MacGyver of sex.