Hell's activity calendar
Guy dies and goes to Hell, where Lucifer begins to give the guided tour.
Lucifer: It's not really that bad here. We mostly do whatever we want, and we don't have to worry about all the repercussions that are so problematic when in the corporeal world.
Damned: That doesn't sound at all like what we're told up stairs. Can you give a, "For instance?"
Lucifer: Well, do you like to gamble?
Damned: Of course.
Lucifer: On Mondays we have every possible game in every language across the globe. ESPN has nothing on us. We have books to take the bets and keep it official, but since there is no money or products to buy, it is really just for bragging rights. No harm done, but we have a blast watching all the games.
Damned: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Lucifer: Of course not. Lots of propaganda against us upstairs. Do you like to drink?
Damned: Well, yeah.
Lucifer: Tuesdays are all about you, then. We have a never-ending tap that has every beer brewed on the planet, along with some special concoctions of my own. The bar will also mix any drink you can dream up. We get so shit faced we can't move, but since we don't have any bodies to screw up, we just sleep it off.
Damned: Wow!
Lucifer: What about cigs and stogies?
Damned: Sure!
Lucifer: Yep. Wednesdays. You've never lived until you've had the Cubans I've got in the humidor. Speaking of smoking, Thursday is pretty much wide open. You can smoke, shoot, snort, or otherwise consume any type of narcotic/hallucinogen/whatever you want to try.
Damned: Crap, this is like winning the lottery!
Lucifer: No kidding! Hey, are you gay?
Damned: Hell, no!
Lucifer: Oh. Well, you are going to hate Fridays.
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