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daveindallas · 05-05-2010, 10:03 AM

I wanted to get y'all's take on whether it is possible to go from "lovers" to "just friends". I am currently attempting to do that with my last GF,and struggling. I am finding it very difficult to throw a switch and turn off all my emotions and feelings for her. She seems to have done it pretty easily.
Obviously it was her idea,but she said it was due to other circumstances and not because she didn't still want to go on as lovers.
She is resistant to talking about it.
I would be interested in hearing from both the guys and gals.

DownForWhatever · 05-05-2010, 10:23 AM

From my experience...100% failure rate!

It either eventually "blows-up" or you just start bumpin' naughties again.

Hey...I've got the is X-GF that I can't get rid of...will you take her off my hands?....PLEEZ!

T-Can · 05-05-2010, 10:26 AM

It depends on if you saw a future in the "lover" relationship. If you did, then it will not work as friends because you will have the hope in the back of your mind that the relationship will go back to being lovers again - most women aren't wired that way from my experiences.

If you did not see it as a relationship that would blossom into an SO relationship but still have "those" feelings, then I would step back out of her picture for awhile until you could accept her as a friend without jealousy of her being with other guys.

I've been in both situations more than I can count -sometimes friendship is the best way to go. Some of my good friends are my exes or former lovers but they are the best ones because I can share anything with them since we have shared intimate/personal moments.

Hope things work out, Dave,
CanDo01

Dharma · 05-05-2010, 11:01 AM

When a relationship changes it takes time to adjust. It might be best to put some distance between you for a bit. If you're going to make it as friends, you both have to adjust to the new dynamic. If you keep seeing eachother, you'll still expect the old relationship because it's what you're used to. Take a little break from eachother, reorganize your life so you're out of "relationship" mode and then when you're ready, try being friends. Sometimes it works but again, it takes time. Good luck, Dave.

Nitwitboy · 05-05-2010, 12:58 PM

It has never worked for me. We become fuck buddies and perpetuate the pain until either one of us meets someone else. But hey, it worked for Bruce Willis. I suppose the kid factor does change things. I have no children. Just two dogs.

fun.time.hobbyist · 05-05-2010, 02:31 PM

I've only pulled it off with one woman that I've dated. It was extremely difficult. You can't go straight from lovers to friends. That's too much to shut off all the sudden. Not a jab at you, but it's probably easy for her as she has found someone else.

In our case, there was a period of 1.5 Yeats where we hated eachother. After the hate wore off, we realized it was better we didn't work out. She ended up marrying a great guy. Someone who is oh so much more patient with her than I am. I ended up marrying a woman that I'm now in the midst of a divorce with. She won that battle. Regardless we've become good friends again as we've found we were good as friends.

I'm not saying you can't pull it off faster, it's just not easy.

txcwby6 · 05-05-2010, 03:02 PM

Nope, there was always too much history, emotions and conflict (emotional) for me to pull that off. The ex's would find another guy and I'd get a twitch in my gut, whether jealousy or uneasiness, and they (ex's) wouldn't seem very understanding when they encountered the woman that I was seeing and sticking the dick she (ex) used to be fucked with in someone else. Too much effort for too little return.

am-a-pleaser · 05-05-2010, 03:54 PM

I agree with the consensus so far. Let her go. I've been the one who wanted to go to just a frienship. She couldn't make the switch either. I was glad when she stopped all contact. It got to where I wouldn't answer her calls, texts or even open her emails.

A gf wanted to change to just a friend. We met once as friends after that. I told her I couldn't do it. I moved on.

flexywun · 05-05-2010, 09:58 PM

i've done it. i think it was easier for us because we were friends before lovers and after dating for over two years (and talked of marriage at times) we just realized we were better friends than lovers. she got married and oddly enough found myself swapping stories with her hubby. she did confess to missing 'my johnson' so that was enough ego feed for me. i can see if you were really 'head over heels for her', its probably not possible. in my case, i never was.

TexTushHog · 05-05-2010, 11:29 PM

I didn't work the one time I tried it. She was very much on my mind (and still is.) But, somewhat different situation, my ex-wife and I get along great now that we're divorced. Of course the fact that we have a child together may account for some of that. C'est la vie.

daveindallas · 05-06-2010, 06:41 AM

"Lover' seems like such an inadequate name for what she was to me. We were friends for a year before becoming lovers,and we both fell in love. So it is "head over heels", still to this day, almost a year after the breakup. I have never felt this way about another woman,even my ex wife. I am a little surprised that the consensus is "it's not possible", but deep down i suspected as much. Outwardly she seems fine with it,but i suspect she is hiding her true feelings and doesn't share her thoughts with me,probably to spare my feelings and not encourage me...lol
Sadly it has left me not wanting any other woman.

Judge Smails · 05-06-2010, 12:10 PM

It worked once for me, but time had passed since the split ( 2 years) and I guess that had allowed for the passion to be forgotten/ we both moved on. Became friends after running into each other again.

Don't see how it would have worked without significant passage of time/ no contact, but hey, just my .02 worth

Shackleton · 05-06-2010, 01:53 PM

I feel your pain Dave. Don't know the answer to your question but will share my experiences.

Long time girlfriend broke up with me on friendly terms. Like you I could not turn my feelings for her off. I think she also struggled with her feelings, but she wanted to make the break. So, we stayed friends, but talked, texted, and got together for lunch only occasionally. I know that I sometimes fantasized about getting back together. At one point, I ended up making a pass at her and I think that killed the friendship for her. She recently got engaged and pretty much cut off even the limited contact we had. So, in that case, I don't think I ever fully made the emotional jump to being just friends. In hindsight, maybe it would have been better for me to have cut all ties with her after breaking up, but that's not what I wanted.

Second girlfriend I broke up with. I was never really head over heels in love with her (maybe still too hung up on girlfriend number 1 at the time?). We have remained good friends and I still see and talk with her all the time. I truly value her as a friend and would do anything for her. So, in that case, I (we?) made the transition from lovers to just friends without too much difficulty and I would be poorer not to have her as a friend. But, not really the same as I never saw myself being with her for the rest of my life.

fun.time.hobbyist · 05-06-2010, 02:48 PM

It can happen. However, if you read some of our experiences it has only been successful after being separated for some time. This means no contact and a genuine attempt to move on with your life. It takes time to let those old feelings go away. There is too much between you to just jump into being friends. Just MHO. Jealousy will rear its ugly head. It's natural.

Funny enough I just reconnected with another ex after a 6 year break yesterday. No old feelings came back. Just some old memories of the time when we were friends before dating. So I guess it can happen.