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boardman · 03-18-2010, 01:33 PM

AP Dateline-oHIo
A missing university lab rodent affectionately known as "Joanie" has been returned safely to his cage. His whereabouts during his time missing are unknown. The professor that originally reported the little rodent missing announced his safe return shortly after noon today. "We have no way of knowing where he has been or what prompted his return. While he seems to be in good health he has been cowering in the corner of his cage and shivering."

Texas Rangers had been called in to assist with the search since there was a possible connection to another missing rodent known as Miranda from Houston. As soon as the Ranger walked into the Labratory Joanie faced away from him, laid his face on the floor of his cage and raised his buttocks high into the air. The Ranger said "I've heard the term stump broke but never experienced it first hand and as soon as I took my hat off little Joaning turned around, gave me the finger and went back to shivering in the corner.

The Professor later commented that during the incident with the Ranger he noticed that Joanie's scrotum was covered in an extremely oily substance and his rectum seemed to have a tube of some sort partially exposed. Joanie will undergo further testing as soon as he seems emotionally stable enough to proceed.

"We will probably never know what Joanie has been through" said one of the concerned lab students.

In a seemingly unrelated incident authorities have been searching for the university football team's 3rd string nose guard last seen eating at Golden Corral. There does not appear to be any connection between the athlete and the rodent but university officials refused to comment further.