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LAUGH A LOT · 08-27-2011, 12:05 AM

Laz · 08-27-2011, 11:19 AM

Not a hooker joke but at least it was funny.

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

LAUGH A LOT · 08-28-2011, 10:15 PM

Q: What do you get when you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-28-2011, 10:16 PM

Q: Hear about the hooker that had a 300 pound customer?
A: She was pressed for cash.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-28-2011, 10:17 PM

Q: What do you get when you pull the trampoline out from under
a prostitute, while she's up in the air?
A: A ho-down.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-28-2011, 10:18 PM

Q: Why did the hooker wear platform shoes?
A: She didn't want to sell herself short.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-28-2011, 10:21 PM

Q: What do you call a whore with her own transportion?
A: Feels on Wheels!

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 12:58 AM

Cop to a hooker: "What would your mother do if she saw you doing this?"
"She'd kill me...It's her corner."

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:00 AM

Q: What does a whore have in common with a pistol?
A: One cock, and they're ready to blow.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:01 AM

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:06 AM

Three hookers are sitting in a bar. The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three guys at the same time. The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can screw a guy's leg up to the knee. The third one just slides down the stool...

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:11 AM

The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job". He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....." "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:15 AM

There were two friends one evening in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening. So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the ladies, and went to their respective rooms. The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, the second guy barged into the white guy's room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? You beat me by three!"

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:17 AM

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologised for his bad language. "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

LAUGH A LOT · 08-30-2011, 01:22 AM

An online hooker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."