Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

[TheWanderer]

If you tell your lawyer everything, then in court you tell a different story, it may appear that you have committed perjury (lied under oath). If your lawyer knows you have committed perjury, he may be required to inform the judge or excuse him or herself from the case, which in itself lets the judge know that you may have committed perjury. Just answer your lawyer's questions and speak "hypothetically" when necessary when meeting with your attorney.

[Iaintliein]

First rule out physical/biochemical problems. Take her to an endocrinologist, look into bio identical hormone replacement (even if she is not menopausal) since other MD's won't get all of the necessary blood panels done as a rule. They should also evaluate nutritional issues (it's amazing how many of us are vitamin D deficient and how much 3-6000 IU's can help things like chronic pain). Then look into the counseling.

But never, ever, under any circumstances talk about this part of your life with her, use it as a vent when needed but remember it is only entertainment.

We now return to your normally scheduled programming.

Regards,

[Fishfan]

I will tell you this stay the way you are or Divorce her but whatever you do don't EVER talk about the hobby! only bad things can happen by talking about it. Trust me she will use it against you and maybe cost you everything (girls, house, job, Everything!!!)
My sugestion is to bite the bullit and end the marriage. can being alone be any worse that living with someone and still be alone?

[cptjohnstone]

I had the exact same problem down to 2 daughters. At age 40 she said she and her friends decided that they no longer would give BJ's. That is when I started going to strip clubs. I had seen a Vietnames gal doing an older guy upstairs at CR. Several days latter I got some dances from her and I spent the next 8 years with her, best sex in my life.

Mean while my two daughters went to UT at $100,000 a piece (back in the 90's) and my ex never contributed $.10 to those degrees. Then Mad Cow hit, I am in the meat business and that put me into bankrutpcy. Well this embarrased her so she filed for divorce. I said no problem. She wanted 100% of the assets because I could make more money than her. She ended up taking me to Family Court because she knew arbritration would not give her 100%. Now who goes to Family Court without kids under 18? Anyway she got less than I had offered 2 years before, HA! and I tell my few friends, at least I did not go to my grave with her.

Back to the VN, I never told my lawyer about her until the trial was over but I thought the VN might even move in with me. She had talked about living next door. She was 40 and had a 25yo daughter that said I was too old for her, I was 58. So I told the VN I was moving on, bad mistake.

[Poppa_Viagra]

I second TTH's advice as I have done exactly as he recommended and got acceptable, not perfect, but acceptable results.
I disagree with CPI's advice re: single counseling.
As many as 60% of men in America suffer untreated depression. Don't be one of them.
Think about what kind of family model you're teaching the kids by sticking around miserable.

Stormking, PM me if you need to.

[stormking]

Again, thanks so much for the helpful and considerate responses. Now for some additional info and answers to some of the questions posed above:

Nice Gestures/Valentines: Been there done that. No cigar.

Counseling/Medical Care/Therapy: Been there done that. I am on anti-depressant now. No willingness on her part to attend or participate. I've been to sessions of and on. Actually working out at the gym provides a lot of benefits physically and emotionally.

Wife Age/Hormones/Other Issues: She's in her 40's (like me). Messed up hormones and infertility have been suffered through... Iaitliein makes great points. She's on some medicines that are supposed to work. Not sure if this has been as complete as it should.

Tough Talk/Divorce Mentioned: Yes we've even discussed this. We both feel that most married folks at least think about it seriously at one time or another. Most marriages are hard.

Keep The Hobby A Secret: I totally agree with the advice to keep this a private matter. All of the advice on this makes a lot of sense.

Sexless Marriage with Hobbying Fun: Before my "crisis" post, I had resolved to be happy by loving my wife and kids and fucking providers. I think (at the moment) that's likely the direction I will choose. Gonzo probably has it right.

Take A Break: I love ithyphallicus's contribution. 90% of the time (perhaps more) that's how I live... He posted: "Quit expecting sex from your wife. Just live your life and love your children. Eventually, you will really be horny. Then log on to ECCIE and get laid. Real simple, right?" Right on!

Nothing like some sleep and a new day to put things into perspective. Again, thanks for the input....

[TexTushHog]

Based on your latest post, my advice is to stay on the anti-depressants, keep exercising, pick a good family lawyer and go see him or her. Time to make a move. You can still love your kids after a divorce. Something better is out there for you.

[lionheart11]

You seem to still love your wife. TTH is wise and offers good advice. There is a better life out there someday. That day is up to you. If it is with or without your wife I wish you the very best.

[TinMan]

I can't tell you the number of times I've seen kids miserable while their parents maintained their farce of a marriage, and how much happier they were once they finally ended it. If I had to live with what you're dealing with, I'd be divorcing here without a second thought.

But then, I have no heart.

[vesuvius]

DO NOT TELL HER YOU HOBBY. You will regret it, it will go bad, your life will suck so bad afterwards. This secret is yours and yours alone. Separate the hobby from your other problems. Whether it ends or not, it has nothing to do with your choices in the hobby. Really, please, consider this the best advice you ever got in your whole life - do not tell her.

FYI, posted this before I saw your follow up post deciding not to tell... but I will leave the post because anyone else reading this needs to have it beaten into their head.

[TheGiftedOne]

Do NOT mention the hobby...ever! It will be leverage for her!

[Brass Balls]

Whatever you do it is your decision and not an easy one. Best advise I ever had was "Life is not a dress rehersal."

For me, based on that I made some very hard decisions. In a period of one year I got divorced (after 16 years of marriage), quit my job (after 21 years), bought my house back, lost my dog, got a new job, and remarried. 12 years later I can honestly say I've never been more happy and never, ever looked back or regretted one decision I made.

I don't recomend this to everyone but it worked for me.

[Red Tex]

NEVER Mention the hobby. Get divorced! NEVER MENTION THE HOBBY!!!!