The last week of Newbie Boot Camp has been hell. This is the first chance I’ve had to update my diary in over 7 days.
We’ve had RockerRick’s full and undivided attention for the last week. It turns out that when he isn’t tied up flaming 3000 Co-Ed posts a week, he loves to torture newbies!
Thanks a lot, ECCIE! Who do I have to blow around here to make sure that RockerRick doesn’t get banned again?
We’ve done so much PT that I can hardly stand. I can bench-press a 90 lb spinner and do three push-ups using only my tongue. Ever try doing squats while Whispers is wrapped around your waist? Toyz says this is Position 227 in the Kama Sutra, but I ain’t buyin’ it.
And I must have run 100 miles in the last week! It’s a good thing that Whisper’s motorized scooter only goes 5 mph, because he makes us sing when he takes us on a run. I’m hearing marching cadence songs in my dreams!
I don’t know, but I’ve been told...
…OIO pussy is mighty cold!
Dust it off with some Vitamin D…
…it’s good enough for a new-bie!
Jasmine Love is a chocolate dream…
…gonna eat her up covered in whip cream!
Ten o’clock ‘fore she lets me in…
…get to play with her squish mit-ten…
Squish mit-ten? What the hell is that?
…Soft and furry like a pussy cat!
Don’t know yet, but we’ll be told…
…Austin pussy is made of gold!
But if we pay over two hundred bucks…
…Whispers says we’re a bunch of schmucks!
Still Looking’s got a troll for fun…
…write a thousand reviews ‘fore he’s done!
Lined a hundred whores up against a wall…
…bet a hundred bucks he could fuck ‘em all!
Fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue…
…backed off, jacked off and did the last two!
I shudder to think what’s going to happen when I try counting sheep again…
Today, Whispers lectured us for four hours on how to get references. Then he passed out the Newbie-Friendly Providers list and told us that the studying is over for a while – time to go out in the field and get some references! All right!!
Each of us has to get at least ONE reference by Friday. Extra credit if we don’t give up any personal information, and a gold star for anyone who comes back with
two references. No references by Friday at 5 PM? You get kicked out of Newbie Boot Camp!
We all run out the door with Newbie-Friendly lists in hand and grab our hobby phones. I immediately text Sk8ter Princezz, who I have heard has pretty light screening. She gets right back to me, and says if I can get through a light screen, she’ll rock my world. Wow! This is easier than I thought it was going to be!!
Sk8ter Princezz texts me her address, but says she won’t be available until later in the day. She’ll text me when I can come over.
Since I’m nervous as hell, and have a couple of hours to kill, I decide to head for the driving range to knock out a couple of buckets of balls. I’m almost done with my second bucket when I get the text. I stuff the remaining golf balls in my pants pockets and head over.
I knock on Sk8ter Princezz’s door a couple of minutes later. The door opens, and there she is -- she’s tall, thin and cute, wearing a pink velour track suit with matching pink streaks in her long blonde hair. She gives me a big smile.
“Wow! You’re cute! If I met you on-line, I would totally swipe right!”
“Swipe right?” I ask, confused.
“Like hello! You know – on Tinder. If you see someone’s picture on Tinder, and you think he’s hot, you swipe right. If I saw you on Grindr, not so much. You’re not
that hot. The guys on Grindr are major man-candy!”
“I thought that all the men on Grindr were gay?”
“As if!”
“No, I’m serious -- Grindr is an app for gay men to hook up.”
”Get out!” A perplexed look crossed her face. “Do you think that’s why none of those guys ever respond to my messages?”
I felt a little awkward, still standing on her doorstep, so I invite myself inside. Once in, I notice Princezz staring at the multiple bulges in the front of my pants.
“Oh, golf balls,” I explain.
“Bummer! Does that hurt like tennis elbow? Or worse?”
Sk8ter Princezz waves her arm around her living room. “These are my cats. The two Persians are Timex and Rolex. The Siamese one over there is Seiko. Don’t try to pet them, they’ll scratch you. They protect me.”
“Those are funny names for cats, aren’t they?”
“Hellooooo! They’re watch cats!”
Oh – in that case, maybe
you should give them this present. I brought you some catnip and kitty grass.”
“That’s sweet! My cats love catnip – but they get wicked munchies afterwards! I can’t leave any condoms out because they’ll chew on them. I had another newbie here this morning for a BNG, and he saw one on the floor next to the bed, like all chewed up and with holes in it? I pulled down his zipper, and he fainted.
I’m sorry that you had to wait for me today. My BFF Tiffany and I had to go to the mall to go, like, shopping? And after we got there, it started raining really hard and the power went out. Like totally! We were stuck on the escalator for like an hour. I had just enough time to go to Brookstone and then get back here to meet you.”
“Oh, what did you need to pick up?”
Stuck on the escalator?
“I bought this awesome new thermos! The store dude told me that it will, like, keep hot things hot and cold things cold. I don’t know how it does it, but it’s way cool. Right now, I’ve got two Popsicles and a cup of coffee in there. You wanna get started?
The bedroom is upstairs. Why don’t you just go up, and I’ll be right there.”
If Liberace and RuPaul had a love child and she loved “Hello, Kitty”, this would be her bedroom. Everything was pink and black, and the walls were lined with shelves filled with Hello Kitty dolls and pink stuffed animals.
In the middle of it all was a king-sized bed with a pink and black zebra-striped fake fur bedspread. A brand-new big flat-screen TV, still in the box, sat on the bed.
I called downstairs. “Hey! There’s a big TV on the bed! What do you want me to do with it?”
She walks in and points at one wall. “Put it up right there”
“
Put it up??”
“Well, hello! Didn’t I say you’d have to complete a light screen? That’s the screen, and there’s the wall. And, like, hurry! I have another client coming in 30 minutes, dude! I’m going to go into the bathroom and change.”
Well, I put up the TV, and shortly thereafter, Sk8ter Princezz came out of the bathroom in an incredibly skimpy hot-pink bikini. All her tattoos and piercings were on display.
“So, what do you think? Aren’t I like the hottest, most exotic girl you’ve ever fucked?”
Not wanting to seem like a complete newbie, I said, “I don’t know. When I lived in South America, I fucked a Brazilian.”
“Ohmigod! You man slut! How many is a brazilian? Isn’t that, like, more than Still Looking?”
Never mind.
So, having mounted the TV, I now mounted Sk8ter Princezz. We had magnificent sex. Even so, newbie that I am, I was still worried about my performance. “So how was I?”
“Not bad, for a newbie.” She gestured around the room. “You can have any prize off the bottom shelf. Personally, I like the little pink kitty cats.”
Moments later, I slinked out the door holding my “prize” -- and bumped right into another guy from ECCIE, Alien Life Form, waiting on the doorstep. He was pissed.
“Who the fuck are you?” he asked. “I was supposed to have a session starting an hour ago.” I hid my stuffed pussycat. “TV installer?” I replied, and hot-footed it out of there.
The next afternoon, I proudly went to see Toyz at the Newbie Boot Camp office. “Mission accomplished, Sir! I got my first reference.”
“Good work, newbie! Give me the provider’s name and info, and I’ll text her to confirm the reference.”
I gave the info to Toyz, and headed to the motel bar to meet up with the other newbs and see how they had done. Five of us were having a beer to celebrate, when one of the other newbs ran in and slumped over the bar rail. He immediately gestured for the bartender to come over.
“Bring me six shots of Jagermeister, quick!”
The bartender’s eyebrows went up. “Six shots of Jager? Are we celebrating something?”
”Yeah -- my first blowjob.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll give you six more on the house!”
“No offense, my friend, but if six shots of Jager doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, six more ain’t gonna help!”
One of the other newbs leaned over and whispered in my ear. “I told him not to choose TS Brittany Mae, but he wouldn’t listen!”
Just then, Toyz poked his head in and gestured for me to come over. ”What are you trying to pull, newbie? This girl never heard of you!”
”What?? I was just there yesterday! I put up her TV!” I called Sk8ter Princezz on the phone right then and there.
“Hey Princezz! This is The Allnighter. I just had someone text you for a reference, and you told them that you don’t know me?”
“Well, who are you?”
“The Allnighter! We had a session yesterday. I brought you the kitty grass and put up your TV?”
“OMG! You have some nerve calling me! I smoked that kitty grass you brought, and it, like, totally harshed my mellow!! I should call the Police and have you charged with killing my buzz!”
“Princezz, you weren’t supposed to smoke the kitty grass – it was for your cats!”
“As if! My cats know not to smoke treats from strangers! I am so totally tweeting about this! Good bye, loser!”
“No, Princezz! They don’t smoke it, they're supposed to eat it!”
DIALTONE. WTF! She hung up on me??
Toyz laughed. “Well, newbie – the good news is that it’s only Tuesday. You’ve still got three days to get your reference.”
I ran to the dorm with my Newbie-Friendly Providers list, and immediately PM’d Aphrodite. She responded pretty quickly.
APHRODITE: Do you have any references?
ALLNIGHTER: Not yet. I’m a newbie.
APHRODITE: I don’t know. I like at least 1 reference before seeing someone.
ALLNIGHTER: Can we meet in a public place? I’ll buy you coffee. You can screen me in person.
After a couple more texts, Aphrodite relented, and agreed to meet me at her favorite coffee shop in downtown Bastrop. I texted her when I got there, and she told me she was in the Hallmark Cards store next door.
I could have picked out Aphrodite in a second – even without the white toga and gold sandals. She’s short and shapely, with platinum blonde hair. I walked up to her and whispered, “Aphrodite? I’m The Allnighter.”
She gave me a big smile and a quick peck on the cheek. “Go sit down in the coffee shop. I’ll be there in a minute. I just need to find a special card for a client.”
As I walked away, I overheard Aphrodite talking to the clerk at the store counter. “I need to find a card that says, ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ – or something like that. Can you help me?”
Boy, and I’m worried about references…
Minutes later, Aphrodite was sitting across from me in the coffee shop, Hallmark card in hand. We started to get acquainted. She’s a lovely woman with real Southern charm. I told her a little about myself, Newbie Boot Camp and my urgent need for a reference after the Sk8ter Princezz debacle. She wanted to know more about my session with Sk8ter Princezz, so I told her.
Blah, blah, blah…had to put up her flat-screen TV…
Oh, that’s priceless! Bless your heart.
Blah, blah, blah…any prize from the bottom shelf…
Well, that seems a little harsh, now doesn’t it? Bless your heart.
Blah, blah, blah…now she says she’s going to tweet about me…
Oh my stars! Bless your heart.
“I don’t know whether that’s a normal first experience or not -- but thanks for listening to my story. I have to say that you’re the most gracious Southern lady I’ve met since I moved to Texas.”
“Well, I wasn’t always like this – I grew up as a full-fledged Texas redneck. Yeah, my Daddy’s last words were, ‘Hold my beer and watch this!’.
My Mama raised me and told me to follow my dreams – y'know, except for that dream where you're naked at work? Didn’t listen much to her, either! So she sent me to Miss Sally’s Finishing School for Girls. That’s where they taught me to say ‘Bless your heart’ instead of ‘Well, who gives a shit?’”
Oh…
“Look, newbie – I’d love to rub you the right way…and I can assure you that you’d love it, too…but I need to look out for my security. Particularly since the “
Mean Tweets – Allnighter edition” segment on the Jimmy Kimmel show last night. They got Lindsay Lohan to read them!”
“Oh my god! What did Sk8ter Princezz tweet about me?”
“I figured you didn’t see it, so I brought copies.” (SEE BELOW)
As I sat there with my head in my hands, Aphrodite said, “…so you see why I’d like to have at least one reference before I rock your world.”
I’m getting desperate. It’s 4 PM on Wednesday, and I still don’t have a reference. If I don’t get one by 5 PM Friday, I’ll get washed out of Newbie Boot Camp.
…So I break down, and give her a phone number. “You can call this lady.”
“OK. I’ll get back to you – but can you do me a favor before you go? I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger I can borrow? It’s about to start raining really hard, and I left all the windows down.”
Blondes!
Later that night, I get a PM from Aphrodite.
APHRODITE: Had a great chat with your reference. Sweet lady. She says you’re not like a perv, or anything -- but I really can’t accept a reference that’s 8 months old.
ALLNIGHTER: Well, that was my birthday present.
APHRODITE: Can’t you just schedule another session with her?
ALLNIGHTER: My next birthday isn’t for another 4 months, and if I wait that long for my wife to talk to you again, it’ll be too late.
APHRODITE: Well, that explains everything! BTW -- she says you’re a lousy tipper. Toodles!
Damn! What do I do now? I only have two days left!
Then it hit me. P411! Still Looking is always saying that P411 is way better than old-style provider references. So I PM Gina at Preferred411, and she calls me the next morning.
Gina’s a doll! She gave me a list of info to fax to her, and volunteered to expedite my application personally. She promised she’d get back to me with the approval no later than Friday AM.
Gina called this morning and told me that my application was approved. She would email me my P411 ID as soon as we hung up. Saved!
I waited for her email, and opened it as soon as it arrived.
FROM: Gina@P411.com
TO: The Allnighter
SUBJECT: Welcome to P411!
Congratulations! You have been approved by P411…blah, blah, blah.
Here is your P411 ID number. Please keep it secure and do not…blah, blah, blah.
Your P411 ID will be activated as soon as you get two providers to sponsor you with references, or as we call them here at P411, “OKs”.
Happy hobbying!
Gina
Shit!! If I had two references, I wouldn’t have called you in the first place!
It’s 11 AM on Friday morning. I need a reference before 5 PM, or I’m a dead newb!
Now my back is against the wall. I call Claire She Blows. She’s always saying that she’s Newbie-Friendly and has alternative screening.
Whispers hates Claire, and when he hears this, I
know he’s going to say that I went over to the Dark Side…but, hey, they have cookies.
I get lucky, and Claire answers the phone. Yes, she has a slot available this afternoon. Yes, she will see a newbie. Yes, alternative screening is available.
Score! She tells me what I need to bring for our session, and hangs up.
OK. Ready to leave for my session. Just need to double-check that I have everything Claire needs for her light screen
:
- Texas driver’s license -- CHECK
- Birth certificate -- CHECK
- Last 10 years’ tax returns -- CHECK
- My family tree -- CHECK
- Deed to my house -- CHECK
- My last CAT scan -- CHECK
- My college SAT scores -- CHECK
- Betty Crocker’s “Nookie or Cookie?” cookbook -- CHECK
- A copy of “1001 Uses for Coconut Oil” by Oliver Klozoff -- CHECK
- The latest add-on deck for Cards Against Humanity -- CHECK
My last IRS audit was easier than this!
Great session with Claire! What a nice lady…although $200 for 30 seconds does seem a little pricey.
She has a quirky sense of humor, though. She stopped right in the middle of the festivities to ask me if I had ever seen the serial numbers they print on condoms. I told her that I didn’t know they did that. And she says, “I guess you’ve never had to roll one down that far.”
Ouch! I sure hope I don’t get one of those greeting cards in the mail.
And I didn’t get
any prize this time -- just a fresh-baked cookie. I wonder if I need to work on my skillz?
I barely make it back to Boot Camp by 5 PM. I’m sweaty and smiling – but I have my one reference!
Whew! I’m glad that ordeal is over!
…What?? He just got banned
AGAIN??
Jesus…maybe I need to find another hobby…
Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 3
My Bio Page - Texas - Austin
