Quote:
Originally Posted by BigDeal
Do I masterbate... yes ...we all do and in parts of my life years ago maybe too much and appears it has desensitized me  ..... so how do I get that back? |
Research "death grip" -- there is a lot of advice out there for guys who have desensitized themselves. I read all of it, because I was one. My whole life, I almost never was able to cum without helping myself out. After reading a column about the problem and associating it with masturbation, everything clicked for me and I did some research.
Basically, for me it was a result of masturbation and developing a pattern that you like and can't do without. It makes it so you can't get hard without very specific conditions, and you can't stay hard when those conditions are gone, and even when they are there you can't cum.
It is all about associations, and there are three parts:
1) Too firm a grip -- most guys use way too firm a grip when they masturbate (advice columnist Dan Savage named it the "Death Grip"). Your dick gets used to that and there's no way a pussy can feel like that. Women get the same effect from relying on a powerful vibrator.
2) Specific pattern -- guys know what feels good and can do exactly what is needed to get off. Again, there's no way a pussy is going to stroke you exactly like you stroke yourself, and your dick learns to respond only to certain touches. Women have this same problem.
3) Associated "stimuli" -- for guys this means porn. Most guys watch porn when they masturbate, and sex with a real woman really doesn't look like what they see on the screen. Sometimes you can get around this by putting on porn during sex, but lots of guys literally have to close their eyes and imagine a scene from porn even if they are having sex with a real girl. Other stimuli could include the environment (if you always masturbate in your computer chair, doing it in a bed seems off), or other sensations like candles or music.
So I would be with a woman and she could get me hard with her hand and mouth. Then I'd move to DATY and go soft again. Then she'd get me hard with her mouth and put on the condom. Once I was inside her I couldn't stay hard for very long since her pussy didn't feel right and I wasn't looking at porn. I'd try to have her finish me with her mouth but I'd almost always end up having to take it into my own hands with her licking my balls or just touching me erotically. This wasn't a big deal with providers, since they are being paid to help you out. But I can't tell you the number of times I was with a regular girl and had her ask "Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?" Seriously, I've faked orgasms a bunch of times, just because I didn't want to make her feel bad. It is one of the reasons I like DATY. It is the one way I knew I could please her.
I tried Viagra and Cialis, and they could get me hard and mostly keep it up, but they make it hard to cum anyway, and so it was even worse because I couldn't even finish myself. Cockrings worked OK, but they had the same problem.
The therapy involves removing the external stimuli -- cutting off porn entirely was what did it for me. You also have to change up your masturbation patterns to varying degrees. Some guys can just change hands and vary the touch (and let up on the death grip). Some guys recommend a masturbation sleeve, since they make it hard to use your hand the same way you are used to. (I love my Fleshlight -- seriously, sometimes I think it is too good.) You may also have to simply lay off masturbation entirely for a while.
I ended up cutting out all porn and not masturbating at all for 6 weeks. It was a big dilemma actually.
Which is better, 1) great masturbation every day but mediocre sex, or 2) no masturbation, but great sex when I could get it?
When I resumed masturbating, I switched it up a lot. I bought different Fleshlight sleeves that have different sensitivities. I do it in different situations -- in front of the computer, on the couch, in bed, in the shower. I'll watch porn to get in the mood, but try to finish without it (harder than it sounds). I even masturbate with a condom most of the time -- again to get used to the sensation.
I still don't get off all the time during sex. About half the time I end up getting annoyed or embarrassed or just run up against the clock and take it into my own hands. But it's better than it used to be.
