Jokes

[bdnewt007]

1 A guy walks into a barber shop, asks "Bob Peters here? " barber replies "Nope. Just cut hair.

2 A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I
went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

3 Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."


4 A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.


5 An Irishman walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have three rounds, all at once." So the bartender gets his order but says to the man "Sir, you'd enjoy them better sir if I served them to you one at a time." The Irishman replies "No, its a tradition. Back in Dublin, my brothers and I would all go to the pub and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago but I still keep the tradition." Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business. The Irishman returned for several nights. One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds. The bartender shaken, asks "what happened? Did one of your brothers die? "The Irishman laughed and replied, "No, I quit drinking!"

6 Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

7 So a guy walks into a bar after a round of golf and sits down at a table opposite a flashily dressed blonde who says to him" I'm a hooker" and he says "well, if you turn your hands on the shaft a little bit to the left... you'll tend more towards a slice.