First off, F&CK the beer commercials. That's how it starts ... "Rest of the world is having more fun than me" syndrome. Advice: TURN THE TV OFF!*
Happened to me and boy did I mess up my life.*
I suspect it happens to many in their 30s. Having spent my 20s focused on my career and 'getting settled' in life - my 30s approached and there I was. Right where I had planned to be and dreamed of being. I no longer struggled financially, in fact...my husband made the income of 2 people. I watched my dream home built from the ground up and enjoyed all of life's luxuries.
Settled at last! But at 31, I felt life was going to pass me up. Started with the commercials, grew like a cancer once I developed a taste for trashy reality tv. Being a late bloomer, I suddenly found myself watching Snooki passed out drunk on Jersey Shore and thought MAN WHAT A LIFE!
In a strange state, without family or friends to keep me grounded and with the assistance of a forever traveling guardian (husband) - a new person emerged.
I now preferred FOREVER 21 over Nordstroms. My nail polish became bolder. I started tanning and seeing an esthetician for various procedures...a snowball.*
Once cautious, I grew reckless. I found myself preferring marshmallows and pop tarts over my once sensible dinners. I never left the house after dark while the hubby was gone but suddenly unaccompanied trips to the 7-11 for a pack of bubblegum at 11pm were a common occurrence.
My hubby suggested I see someone and I went. I found her intrusive and grew angry at him. When he told my Dr I needed something, I got angry. For what? I wasn't sick.*
One night I accompanied my esthetician to his favorite club and that was the beginning of the end. On a Sunday night at the RoundUp Saloon, I drank Red Headed Slut shots and danced to Madonna's HOLIDAY surrounded by gay men. Alas, I was living the beer commercial.*
The following Friday night I sat at home watching tv with my hubby (the usual) - he laughed too loud at something I thought wasn't funny and life would never be the same.
He had started to talk about kids, I was 31 and had been married going in 5 years. Sounds reasonable...but in my fragile state I had only one thought. SHIT, I'M GOING TO BE JUST LIKE THE GIRLS ON TEEN MOM - one of my favorite shows at that time.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*I asked for the big D - the following day my custom ordered Hello Kitty Visa arrived in the mail and I remember thinking it a sign from above. I immediately went out and bought my first push-up bra, two in fact. As I walked to the car I remember feeling complete happiness and a deep sense of excitement. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!!!
I never had that feeling sitting home with the hubby on a Friday night.*
Fast forward:*
Right around the two year mark, divorced and in the process of selling my home - I sat hunched over the toilet bowl on a Sunday morning. I'll never drink ________???? again. But for the life of me, I couldn't remember what I had drank.*
Suddenly, my senses returned. I had regressed in life. It was as if I was living my life backwards, doing juvenile things later as opposed to when they were excusable. F&CK - what was I capable of next? Scary!
Would I make my debut on Girls Gone Wild at 33? COMPLETE HORROR.
Two years later, I'm still single. He's been in a relationship for 3 years. I watched their dogs this week while they went to a bed and breakfast. That should've been me. He seems funnier, smarter and more handsome than I remember. My biggest regret.
I no longer go out. I hate dancing, in fact....I never danced so happily as I did that one night. The irony: I hate Madonna, especially HOLIDAY! I shredded my hello kitty card. My push-up bras sit barely used. I still eat pop-tarts but why not? THERE'S NO ONE TO COOK FOR. I still shop at FOREVER 21 but now it's out if necessity. I'm 35 and childless - spinsterhood is on the horizon. Being on the cutting edge of style is a must....I only have a few more years before I throw in the towel and start a cat rescue. I suppose I'll have to subscribe to the Finger Hut catalog and invest in embroidered sweaters that showcase every possible season/holiday.*
Until then, I can't give up. I have to give it my all. My last shot at finding happiness.*
The good news, I know a lot more about myself. I'm more mature. Unfortunately in the process, I lost everything. For what? To do body rubs to supplement my income? To cringe at all my acquaintances having babies and families on Facebook?
I occasionally get that same feeling - I'll see the damn beer commercial and think "THE REST OF THE WORLD IS HAVING MORE FUN" ... now I'm smart enough to realize, it's me - not the situation.
I had the THIS IS BULLSHIT feeling then and now too. I constantly remind myself I could go out and live the beer commercial at any time. I could dance a million songs in a row and have a gang bang with the Chippendales - but I'm too old. It's too cold out and curling up in my flannel pjs with a book is where it's at.*
I'm the same person I always was. I just had a temporary *lapse in my thoughts that I let go too far. Now I permanently messed up everything.
THIS IS BULLSHIT....even Snooki settled down and had a baby.
In the words of Janis Joplin, I'D TRADE ALL OF MY TOMORROWS FOR ONE SINGLE YESTERDAY....that's where I want go be, exactly where I was at.
Sorry for the long post but at the very least, take heed. Get a good laugh at my expense. You're not alone
