Jokes

[Burlarr]

Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people, you are not the Jackass whisperer

[DallasRain]

Originally Posted by Burlarr

Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people, you are not the Jackass whisperer

[Burlarr]

A FARMER’S LOGIC ... A True Newfoundland Story...

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer, from Newfoundland who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”

“Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

[Burlarr]

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible ... From Genesis:

“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth”.
Then he made the earth round ... And he laughed and laughed and laughed...

[Burlarr]

This a true example of when two people really know each other.

Retired Veteran with a very Smart Wife...

Early one morning, an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife. “Honey! Come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama, depicting the eight Years of the Obama administration!”

She yelled back, “Flush the toilet Jim, and come eat your breakfast!”

[Burlarr]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Burlarr]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

“Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.”

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Magic8Ball]

Love this post. Here's two oldies but goodies

10 Brothers in the Desert
A long time ago, ten brothers were travelling through the desert. They were lost, hungry, and almost out of water when they stumbled upon the tents of a wealthy sheik. They immediately begged the sheik for help and mercy.

"Of course, lads. I am honor-bound to give assistance to those in need. You will be fed, watered, and given camels to go on your way tomorrow. However, if any of you try to lay with my ten wives, you will be executed for these transgressions."

All the brothers swore they would not do this and thanked the sheik, and went to get assistance. After they left, the sheik thought to himself: "I don't know if I can trust these men. Tonight, I will force my wives to put blades in their vaginas. This way, I will know if any of them are not true to their word."

As the next morning arrived, the sheik asked that all brothers be inspected, and sure enough, 9 of them had been castrated by the razor blades. Only one of the brothers had no marks upon his penis.

"You men who deceived me and spat upon my hospitality will be executed. But you, the one who stayed true to his word will always be considered my friend. You can join my clan and marry one of my daughters."

The man smiles and nods in nervous excitement.

The sheik asks: "What is your name, my son?"

The man replies "Mmmphhhmph"

============================== ============================== ============

Visiting Mother
For Thanksgiving, a son invited his Catholic mother to join him and his roommate. When she got there, she immediately noticed how attractive her son's lady roommate was and how playful they were with each other. During dinner, she warned them of the sins of sex out of wedlock to which the son replied:

"Oh no, mother, you have the wrong idea. My roommate and I are just good friends. We do not have sex, and in fact, we sleep in different rooms and stay true to our Catholic vows."

"I see...well, I'm glad to hear that," said the mother with a smirk.

The rest of the evening continued without any other awkwardness, and the mother left for the night. When the roommates were cleaning up, the girl noticed her family's antique silver ladle was missing.

"You don't suppose your mother took it?" she asked the son.

"Not a chance. Let's look for it more, and if don't see it by tomorrow, then we'll send my mother a letter."

For the next few days, they searched all over the apartment but could never find the ladle. Finally, prompted by his roommate, the son sent his mother a letter asking about it.

Mother, the letter read, We have been searching since thanksgiving, but cannot find my roommates ladle. I am not saying that you took it, and I am not saying that you didn't take it. But if you do have it in your possession, would you please return it?

A few days later, the couple received a reply. The roommate read the letter first, immediately blushed a deep scarlet, and gave the letter to the son. The mother's reply read: Dearest son, I am not saying that you are sleeping with your roommate, and I am not saying that you are not sleeping with her. What I do know, is that if she was sleeping in her own bed, you would have found the ladle by now. See you at Church this Sunday. Love, Mom

[TailChsr7]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell
phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

He then began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[Texasdriller]

An old Scot is walking along the beach when he sees a bottle bobbing in the water. He pulls it out and pulls the cork hoping for a drink. To his surprise a pissed off genie pops out. The genie looks at the old man and says " I've been having a crappy year so you only get one wish". The old Scotsman thinks for a minute and exclaims "I want to piss 100 year old Scotch". The genie looks at him and laughs, but grants his wish. The Scot then races home and yells to his wife the grab two glasses. When she brings the glasses he pulls out his cock and pees in the glasses. He lifts one and smells it and low and behold Scotch. He tastes it and its the finest Scotch in the land. He convinces his wife to drink and she is pleasantly shocked.
The next day he comes home and asks for one glass. She looks at him angrily and asks why she doesn't get a glass. He tells her "Tonight, ye drink from the bottle"

[Fancyinheels]

A consortium of anthropologists has recently come to an agreement; there are only 11 times in world history in which the "F-word" has been completely acceptable and appropriate for use:


11. "What the @#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- George Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw, come on, Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President!"
-- Hilary Clinton, 2016

[Magic8Ball]

A man is driving on the highway out of town when he sees a sports car driving up on him at breakneck speeds. He tries in vain to get out of the way but fails as the sports car hits him. Both he and the other drive are thrown clear of their cars which then crash into a tree and catch on fire.

Being absolutely pissed off, he turns to curse out the other driver out when he realizes she is an absolute BABE. He quickly coughs to stop whatever he was about to say and goes to check whether she is ok.

After making her way to her feet, the gorgeous woman looks at him and hugs him. "Oh thank goodness, you are also unharmed. ," she exclaims.

"Um, yeah...I'm glad you are too" the guy responds, enjoying the sensation of the lovely woman in his arms.

Looking around, the tall blonde woman notices a bottle wine which must have fallen out of her car in the wreck.

"This must be fate that we were brought together unharmed. God even protected this bottle of wine so we can celebrate," she says rapturously

"Right...Fate!" the guy says, still bewildered.

"Let's open this bottle of wine and drink deeply to commemorate today. You should have the first drink, my love." She smiles deeply and uncorks the bottle handing it to to him.

The guy is amazed how this day turned into a miracle. He chugs half the bottle of wine, wipes his mouth and hands the bottle back to his gorgeous new girl. She wipes the bottle and puts the cork back in it without taking a sip.

"Aren't you going to drink the wine to celebrate?" he asks confused

"Yes, my love. I'm just going to wait to drink my half after the cops show up."