18 signs you hired the wrong clown

[Sweet N Little]

18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

17. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

10. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

9. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

5. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

3. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

[Sweet N Little]