The Pretty Woman Syndrome

[Alex Lieberman]

I know, I know...This question has been asked and answered a million and one times, but I don't care. I'm going to ask it again.

Have you ever fallen in love with a client or provider or have they ever fallen in love with you? If yes, what did you or do you do?

Kisses,

Alex

[Leah Ireland]

Since they're usually married, it's a disaster.

[pjorourke]

Thought about a couple. But then reason prevailed -- as Leah noted.

[Chevalier]

I am fond of many of the ladies I've seen; grown attached to some; perhaps infatuated with a very few. Could I fall in love with a ladyfriend? Absolutely, but I don't allow myself to. I'm not in a position to take the relationship further, and even if I were, the only appropriate thing to do would be to shut my mouth unless/until a lady indicated a similar interest.

I'm not sure what I would do if a lady indicated such an interest in me. But it's an entirely hypothetical question. Some of the ladies I've seen may have felt some degree of attachment to me as well, but that doesn't mean they want to take the relationship further. None have ever hinted at wanting that, and I wouldn't expect it.

[discreetgent]

As a purely hypothetical: If I did and they did as well I would see where it goes, being unattached helps.

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by Alex Lieberman

Have you ever fallen in love with a client or provider or have they ever fallen in love with you? If yes, what did you or do you do?

Yes, four times in love, once in lust. Once it ended badly, once it just ended, and the rest continue on wonderfully. Adored and treasured every second - it makes all the frustrating and empty experiences worth getting through to find the rare ones that touch the spirit.

In one instance we've lasted over five years and adored every second of our love, and continue to. What did we do? We had a very sincere and frank talk about my financial needs, his expectations and I became his mistress. Eventually when that worked well for a couple of years, we started making long term plans together.

We realized that going into a traditional relationship would take away what made everything work so smoothly, so we invented our own labeless form of relationship without imposing all the outside rules that the world insists makes a relationship "healthy" or "normal" as those tend to fall apart. So we made our own rules without any societal influence getting in the way.

Don't fix what isn't broken, I quickly learned. We fell in love, recognized why we fell in love, and realized what we had to do to preserve the state of peace and bliss we'd accidentally stumbled upon. It's been a long time and so far we're going strong, we found what works for us.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs, but if you can expect unconditional honesty and give unconditional understanding, then things work themselves out quite nicely. As long as both parties can keep ego and pride out of the equation, and recognize that they cannot change people and that as lovers who have no intention of marrying or having children, we can allow each other to live strongly independent lives, while sharing our path through life, it can be a euphoric experience.

It doesn't count as "Pretty Woman Syndrome" because I did not want to be saved or change my lifestyle, and they loved me enough to accept me exactly as I am, not demand I change for them.

[Laurentius]

Hmmm.

One of the reasons I pay providers is because in exchange for my payment, they forego the rights a woman who had sex with me would usually have to try to turn me into her boyfriend or whatnot.

Because I could get sex from civies if I chose; the inducement to get it from providers is what providers will give me that a civie likely won't: a free pass on all the demands a woman would usually attach to sex.

Even at all that, I've had a provider pursue me as an exclusive romantic interest. To me it was scary at a lot of levels and caused me to drastically alter my approach to hobbying in numerous ways to avoid a repeat performance.

I want to differentiate this, though, from what I would call "love as a response to values." This is a non-possessive sort of love that I certainly feel in varying degrees for a couple of providers.

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by Laurentius

Hmmm.
Because I could get sex from civies if I chose; the inducement to get it from providers is what providers will give me that a civie likely won't: a free pass on all the demands a woman would usually attach to sex.

This is true, being a provider does not mean a woman is polyamorous. Or that a gent who was once a patron could give her the same free pass that she once had.

However, when people have the psychological mindset of being polyamorous the idea is: I don't care what you do with other people, I only care how you treat me. And none of that needs to change, free passes can stay intact.

I don't think one can pursue love, it needs to be exchanged simultaneously and be born of personal revelation. You cannot convince someone to love you, you cannot do or say anything that will make them fall in love with you. If you love someone that doesn't love you, you just have to move on, anything else will be poison.

[Camille]

In my early days, whilst I worked for an agency, a client fell in love with me. He was angry at himself for doing so (which is why it took me a while to figure out what was going on)..I think moreso because I hadn't fallen in love with him. The silly thing was, looking back, if he talked to me about his feelings, I would have likely been willing to give it a go. My financial needs were not that great as I had a partial scholarship so had he been willing (he was more than able) to pick up the small slack I would have preferred a relationship to "dating" back then. He was only older than me by a couple of years, he was seperated, and I enjoyed him a great deal. Instead, he got angry at the circumstances in which we met because he assumed that meant I didn't and couldn't love him back. He never spoke to me about his feelings (no matter how hard I tried) and I tried to be sensitive about it but ultimately his anger scared me...even when I cut him completely off. When people get on the emotional rollercoaster they can be as scary as all hell I ran into him about 2 or 3 years later. He was seeing someone at that point. I did ask him what the hell was going on back then and why he was so angry and that's when he told me. Mountains out of molehills...though I didn't tell him that.
I mentioned this is another thread. When you start getting too attached to your clients (or clients start getting too attached to the women) it's time to get out of the client/provider industry. Sure, like Lauren, you can forge other pathways with that person, but only if both sides are willing and able. If it's a pattern though (i.e. you keep getting too attached) it's time to get into the real dating world....

C

[Chevalier]

Originally Posted by Camille

Instead, he got angry at the circumstances in which we met because he assumed that meant I didn't and couldn't love him back.

Clients shouldn't automatically make the first assumption, although it's perhaps understandable. (I wouldn't assume a lady didn't love me back, only that she probably didn't -- not because of "the circumstances in which we met" but just because reciprocation is unlikely under any circumstances.)

The second assumption is just sad. Was it because he felt an escort was incapable of love or because he felt a client was incapable of being loved? Not that it really matters; either is a serious enough problem to warrant avoiding him. Can you imagine how it would have turned out if the two of you had escalated the relationship? Sooner rather than later, the wheels would have come off.

[Camille]

Oh there is no question about the wheels coming off. We all have problems communcating at times, but generally for me, it's when I'm confused and am not sure what I am trying to communicate. His situation was different..he knew exactly what needed communicating and when it comes wrapped in a bad temper it's never a good sign is it?

I don't think he thought as far as "could I love him if it were just me and him?"...he only got as far as, "how could she love me whilst doing this?"
THAT I can understand...because when I'm in love the desire to sleep with others just isn't there. We never got past his anger to discuss that though. I do feel as though I dodged a bullet though...I was better off out of it.

C xxxx

[discreetgent]

Yes, it has happened, was pursued, and worth it. Like any relationship it takes work; constant communication along with honesty are probably even more crucial when it happens in this world.

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by Camille

When you start getting too attached to your clients (or clients start getting too attached to the women) it's time to get out of the client/provider industry. Sure, like Lauren, you can forge other pathways with that person, but only if both sides are willing and able. If it's a pattern though (i.e. you keep getting too attached) it's time to get into the real dating world....
C

I think I can fairly say getting "too attached" is a pattern, though I don't pursue things if feelings aren't mutual. I prefer the life I have to "real dating world" as I don't particularly enjoy those relationships. I don't enjoy the process of civilian dating because explaining I'm polyamorous is too much damn work. Finding out if they can live with it or not, is also too much damn work. I also don't believe in "blended" lives, I believe in independent lifestyles that we can share with each other.

However, in this world I don't have to explain it, and the ladies and gents who have become my lovers have a good handle on whether they can accept that sort of partner or not. A lot less dramatic.

I adore being a home maker, there's something fulfilling about creating "home" for someone on a physical and emotional level. It's nice to devote yourself to taking care of someone in the old fashioned sense women like the geisha and mistresses perfected - and I enjoy being supported in return for that. I love that the support allows me to take on a lot less office work so I can spend the time doing the things I love: testing a new recipe, making a new tea blend, reading a book, going to the theatre, writing a short story, helping out my friends. It allows me to create a life of hedionism in simple pleasure, which I'm quite addicted to.

In an interesting sort of way, they benefit from my hedonism, as I cook them a great meal, introduce them to a fantastic book, suggest a dazzling live performance. It becomes quite symbiotic and sensual experience on many levels.

But I digress... one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Not everyone desires what other call "real" and I honestly think the lives of those who choose something else is no less "real".

[Camille]

Lauren:

I think you misunderstood me.
I am talking of unrequited love, which is why I said:

"When you start getting too attached to your clients (or clients start getting too attached to the women)"

Meaning..it's a one way street. It's certainly been my observation in this industry that when someone repeats that pattern (of meeting with unrequited love) it's because they are ready for something more than the polyamorous approach will offer. One side is typically willing to give up all others..yet the other party is not. That is why I suggested that "real" dating may be more appropriate. I understand you have found a way to navigate that successfully and happily...but I'm speaking of the ones that don't. It's probably a lot more frequent that people will ever admit to. I would (honestly) say that a good 6/10 providers that I have come across have (at least once) either become too close to their clients that have made no move to suggest that anything other than a client/provider relationship can exist....or have dealt with clients that have felt that way. Actually, probably more like 7.

Camille

[charlestudor2005]

Nah. I have yet to meet a provider who could replace my SO in any emotional way, shape or form.

Do they provide a physical aspect she doesn't? Yes. But so far, I've not met any one that could attract me. Most of them that I have seen aren't even well educated...even the ones with higher education degrees. Just sayin'.