A little levity, Jokes thread, post yours

[twobullhunglow]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...she could feel the sweat rolling down her back...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug bastard!"

[JdeHog]

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?




A: "It's cute, but can you breathe through that thing?"

[SingleMomSlayer]

A mom was cleaning her sons room one day and finds a huge stash of BDSM porn. She goes to her husband and asks, "how are we going to deal with this?!"

The dad replies: "well, Im pretty sure spanking is out of the question.."

[carnac]

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

[Murf76]

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. After thinking about for a minute, I replied, "That's a big word for a nine year old!!!!!"

[twobullhunglow]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?"

"No, what?" asked the man.

"Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his ass, then he pulled them out and ate them."

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[twobullhunglow]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"