Marital Status Musings

[Deepthinker]

I did not want to hijack GP's Poll threads as my comments and questions apply to both and I wanted to put them together. I know that the polls are fluid, but likely have enough results to show the trends. I was surprised by both polls for somewhat opposite reasons. I am interested in anyone else's thoughts on this. I expect the ladies are not surprised as I suspect that most of them get a good feel for the marital status of their clients and may talk with each other in the PR about their own status. Not sure about that. Anyways....

I was surprised that the number of married guys was not a relatively large majority , but also surprised with the number of providers who make a go at a serious relationship while doing this work. As to the first point:

I had some preconceived notions that most guys did this because they were married and couldn't afford to risk an affair. I never thought of seeing providers when I was single and didn't have the need to sneak around looking for NSA type relationships. Of course, I was much younger then and likely more appealing to the ladies. Many years ago, when I had been married for a few years, we had the typical "marital sex apathy" which resulted in me having an affair. As is too often the case, that turned out really messy and I barely escaped with my marriage and possessions intact. After a cooling off period, the itch came back , but I knew I could not afford another affair. That is when I searched for and discovered this world. Therefore, it has always seemed pretty obvious why married guys do this.

I may be deluded, but it has always seemed to me that if I was not married, I would probably be looking for women the old fashioned way rather than spending my time here. I do see several potential reasons that single guys do this , but am just guessing here. Any thoughts from the single guys would be welcome. Some reasons that came to mind:

- Guys want a sure thing and are tired of spending time in courtship that may or may not end in the bedroom.
- Guys just want sex, not all the trappings of a relationship.
- Guys figure they will spend money on dinners, flowers, gifts etc, so may as well eliminate the doubt and middle men and just pay the lady directly to get in her pants.
- Guys are constrained by time and don't feel they have the time to woo a lady. They can only spare a couple hours per week , so the SP relationship is time/money well spent.
- Guys may be between relationships and not ready to dive back in the dating pool , so they use the Hobby to bridge the gap.
- Guys may feel that they could pick up chicks on their own -- but they would be 58 yo overweight cashiers. This hobby allows them to spend time with younger, potentially hotter ladies than they would otherwise be able to land.
- Maybe some guys feel they are paying for a higher level of skills and experience.
- Maybe guys want to try some wilder things than they would dare suggest to civvie ladies who they may date.
- Some guys have a hard time talking with ladies/ are shy etc.

Any thoughts?



As for the Providers' Poll -- I would think that it is very difficult to have a stable relationship with an SO while doing this job. I was surprised that 56% of the ladies are married or have an SO. I do know a couple of the married ladies and understand that they have very open relationships. I do know that some folks get to that point where they are secure enough in their marriage and have desires to mutually explore others, so may as well make some money doing it. I can kind of understand how that can work moreso in a longer term stable open marriage. I think it would be a very difficult obstacle for most though to enter into a new relationship with a guy and try to explain to him what you do for a living. Maybe I am being naive, but it seems most guys likely would have some jealousy issues. So some questions for the ladies:

- Those that have an SO -- do they know? I know a few ladies who have told me that they had BFs who did not know. It would seem very hard to work many hours and have it a secret. It is hard enough for us guys to keep it secret when we sneak out once or twice a week. It seems impossible to keep it secret if you were working a regular schedule and deal with all the calls and texts that go along with that. If so, what alibis do you have?

- Has this job cost you a serious relationship or resulted in major hardships in attempted relationships?

- Do some of you just reconcile yourself to not even attempting to have an SO during a finite period of your life while you do this?

For those ladies who have a husband or SO who know and are okay with this, I can only imagine some of the conversations that must go on around your dinner tables.

I don't necessarily expect that many answers as, unlike the polls, this is not anonymous. However, I just was chewing on these questions as I saw the poll results and wondered if anyone else had any thoughts on this or were surprised by the results.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[cnym]

some good reading from 1959

http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2009/...t-prostitutes/

[jackfengshui]

Besides work and family/friends, this hobby completes the third "leg" of my life. Fulfilling the need for intimacy is the motivation, but I am fortunate to have met many ladies whom I consider my friends.

[Doove]

There's a lot there DT, and i doubt i could do it justice, so i won't even try and you'll just have to settle.

Anyways, this is all pure conjecture on my part as i haven't put in any time studying the situation, but it's just a sense(s) i get.

It would seem obvious that married gents would have more narrowly defined reasons for partaking in the hobby, but that's not to say that's always the case. While married guys would almost certainly all rely on the "it's easier/safer than having an affair" rationale, that's not to say that once they decide to stray (so to speak), they don't then revert to some of the same rationales that us single guys might use. Wanting hotter chicks than we might be able to get in civie life, paying for higher level of skills, trying wilder things than you might be able to find - even in an affair, etc.

All in all, however, with single guys, i doubt you'd be able to narrow it down to any one particular reason. At least in most cases. Point to any 2, 3 or 4 potential rationales you suggest, and i would bet that all of them could be applied to many of the single guys in the hobby. Not necessarily to the extent that they'd admit it (unable to get hot chicks - or even any chicks, for example) but they do likely exist.

In my own case, i hobbied once, back in/around 2000 or so. While it was a positive experience, i really had no desire to do it again......until about 2008, even though my circumstances never really changed all that significantly during that time. Even now, i hobby so rarely (once in '08, 3 or 4 times in '09, 5 or 6 times in '10 and only once in 2011) that i'm not sure i could enunciate an actual reason for why i do so. In fact, i can say with relative certainty that if it were not for 2 or 3 specific ladies, i wouldn't hobby or even think about hobbying at all right now.

I suppose i could get into a long dissertation as to why i hobby, and i've had pretty lengthy discussions with one provider regarding my participation, but to a certain extent, i can honestly say that at least part of the reason i hobby is one you didn't suggest. That being the same reason people climb Mt. Everest - simply because it's there.

Not sure that offers much in the way of the sort of insight you were looking for, but then, i warned ya.

[MC]

Originally Posted by Deepthinker

- Some guys have a hard time talking with ladies/ are shy etc.

That's me.

[GP]

Deepthinker, I am glad you started this thread. Those were exactly the questions I was hoping my unscientific poll would bring up. You could have done it in the poll thread and I would not have considered it hijacking. Here is fine as well.

Not to hijack, just a small sidetrack. In reference to doove's hobbying, or lack thereof, is there a minimum one should have to maintain to consider themselves a true hobbyist? I understand something like that would be relative to each persons situation. Perhaps a new poll is in order

[Doove]

Originally Posted by GP

is there a minimum one should have to maintain to consider themselves a true hobbyist? I understand something like that would be relative to each persons situation. Perhaps a new poll is in order

To the extent that it's necessary to put guidelines on something as unofficial as the term "hobbyist", i wouldn't think so. Like you say, each person's personal circumstances are going to be different. If a lack of "extensive" hobbying is caused by financial circumstances, well....you know.

I'm lucky enough to not have my hobbying impacted by a lack of finances, but i should have probably mentioned that my limited hobbying during the course of this year is due to.....shall we say.....extenuating circumstances...that go beyond a simple lack of a desire on my part to participate.

[DDarkness]

DT, Very interesting thread, dare I say ... Fascinating?

Thank you for doing this and I hope that you get the answers that you seek. I know I am very interested in this thread!!!

DD

[offshoredrilling]

"- Guys just want sex, not all the trappings of a relationship."


mmmmmmm let me think about that and get back. As most of my relations with providers have been long term. But we know I'm not errrr normal. and sure I'm not the only one.

[cnyred]

- Maybe guys want to try some wilder things than they would dare suggest to civvie ladies who they may date.

I think you miss a small but important segment. People who do it for the thrill. Let's face it...this activity is illegal and one of the motivations for discretion (and for complaining about screening) is so we can avoid the unfortunate dust up with John Q. Law. But, there's something fun about skirting the legal conventions of society to meet up with someone for a consensual act. Yes, some of us have SOs that can provide it for free, but that's an easy chase. Back before I found ASPD and ECCIE, lining up a meeting was a chase with a little thrill which culminated with the session.

I'm a light hobbyist (once every 4-6 weeks) but for me its the fun of feeling like I'm getting away with something.

[guest032013]

There was a provider on this board who had an attitude towards men paying for sex... As if these guys couldn't get laid without help from their wallet. Well I think some girls can't get dick very easily, and need to advertise their vagina on the Internet.

Anyway if I really want a colledge girl I'll go troll mcc, and if I want shitty pet hair on my clothes I'll fuckin stay home!!

Stay peace homies

[roscoe14850]

I work shitty hours, can be a surly SOB, and my last relationship ended like a trainwreck. I tend to schedule my "hobbying" in advance, the anticipation of an appointment really adds to the enjoyment. Many of Deepthinkers observations apply to me as a single guy, and although I can't be 100% certain I don't think I would continue to hobby if I were to start a civilian relationship.

[HlavinKitheri]

All I want is more than my share. Societal expectation says "you just get the one," and the "one" agrees. I think, "We'll just see about that."

That's one answer. Another is that the "one" expects tenderness, mutual satisfaction, a very high level of 'respect,' sometimes even romance. Talk about killing the mood. While keeping her on the pedestal where she feels comfortable, how to initiate things some women find a little more degrading than affectionate?

We fought and had issues, long silent days of resentment before it hit me that a man should solve his problems on his own, without bothering his poor wife about it. Even though she doesn't know, it has turned out win/win. I'm happier, she thinks she's the reason for that, no more arguments or hurt feelings.

=====================
As to the provider side, my "UTR in denial" (a dancer) has a man (or at minimum a baby-daddy) and I guess he doesn't know: she has cancelled plans before or made me sneak past her place because - all of a sudden at the last minute - he's around.

Of course it's also possible she just jerks me around sometimes: there's no talk of improving "TCB" because she doesn't realize that she is in business. She wants to see it as an affair, albeit with an older married man who has little free time for her, but helps her out. Being careful not to disabuse her of this view requires diplomacy/hypocrisy, but it keeps things happening.

[offshoredrilling]

Originally Posted by offshoredrilling

"- Guys just want sex, not all the trappings of a relationship."


mmmmmmm let me think about that and get back. As most of my relations with providers have been long term. But we know I'm not errrr normal. and sure I'm not the only one.

It has all the trappings of a relationship for me. Just not the trap.
As ether side can bale out of it with ease. Like a long lost friend that just drifted away.

[Guest120615-3]

Maybe some other reasons as well:

Outsourcing is a plight nationally so I enjoy helping the local economy one woman at a time.

I'm also a part-time philanthropist, helping women with private scholarship funds.

I typically donate blood, buy girl scout cookies, volunteer at the PTA so why not donate money and seminal fluid to lovely women.

Generally, I'm a giver!