Is Sex Passé?

[Sensia]

This article from the New York Times was sent to me a few days back. I found it interesting, and have to agree we seem to be taking steps backwards with regard to women's sexual freedoms.

I thought I would share this and start an enlightening conversation on the subject.
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The New York Times
By ERICA JONG

Published: July 9, 2011
WHAT could be more eternal than sexuality? The fog of longing, the obsession with the loved one’s voice, smell, touch. Sex is discombobulating and distracting, it makes you immune to money, politics and family. And sometimes I think the younger generation wants to give it up.



People always ask me what happened to sex since “Fear of Flying.” While editing an anthology of women’s sexual writing called “Sugar in My Bowl” last year, I was fascinated to see, among younger women, a nostalgia for ’50s-era attitudes toward sexuality. The older writers in my anthology are raunchier than the younger writers. The younger writers are obsessed with motherhood and monogamy.


It makes sense. Daughters always want to be different from their mothers. If their mothers discovered free sex, then they want to rediscover monogamy. My daughter, Molly Jong-Fast, who is in her mid-30s, wrote an essay called “They Had Sex So I Didn’t Have To.” Her friend Julie Klam wrote “Let’s Not Talk About Sex.” The novelist Elisa Albert said: “Sex is overexposed. It needs to take a vacation, turn off its phone, get off the grid.” Meg Wolitzer, author of “The Uncoupling,” a fictional retelling of “Lysistrata,” described “a kind of background chatter about women losing interest in sex.” Min Jin Lee, a contributor to the anthology, suggested that “for cosmopolitan singles, sex with intimacy appears to be neither the norm nor the objective.”



Generalizing about cultural trends is tricky, but everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support.



The Internet obliges by offering simulated sex without intimacy, without identity and without fear of infection. Risky behavior can be devoid of risk — unless of course you use your real name and are an elected official.
Not only did we fail to corrupt our daughters, but we gave them a sterile way to have sex, electronically. Clearly the lure of Internet sex is the lack of involvement. We want to keep the chaos of sex trapped in a device we think we can control.



Just as the watchword of my generation was freedom, that of my daughter’s generation seems to be control. Is this just the predictable swing of the pendulum or a new passion for order in an ever more chaotic world? A little of both. We idealized open marriage; our daughters are back to idealizing monogamy. We were unable to extinguish the lust for propriety.



Punishing the sexual woman is a hoary, antique meme found from “Jane Eyre” to “The Scarlet Letter” to “Sex and the City,” where the lustiest woman ended up with breast cancer. Sex for women is dangerous. Sex for women leads to madness in attics, cancer and death by fire. Better to soul cycle and write cookbooks. Better to give up men and sleep with one’s children. Better to wear one’s baby in a man-distancing sling and breast-feed at all hours so your mate knows your breasts don’t belong to him. Our current orgy of multiple maternity does indeed leave little room for sexuality. With children in your bed, is there any space for sexual passion? The question lingers in the air, unanswered.



Does this mean there are no sexual taboos left? Not really. Sex between older people is the new unmentionable, the thing that makes our kids yell, “Ewww — gross!” You won’t find many movies or TV shows about 70-year-olds falling in love, though they may be doing it in real life.
The backlash against sex has lasted longer than the sexual revolution itself. Both birth control and abortion are under attack in many states. Women’s health care is considered expendable in budgetary negotiations. And the right wing only wants to champion unborn children. (Those already born are presumed able to fend for themselves.)



Lust for control fuels our current obsession with the deficit, our rejection of passion, our undoing of women’s rights. How far will we go in destroying women’s equality before a new generation of feminists wakes up? This time we hope those feminists will be of both genders and that men will understand how much equality benefits them.



Different though we are, men and women were designed to be allies, to fill out each other’s limitations, to raise children together and give them different models of adulthood. We have often botched attempts to do this, but there is valor in trying to get it right, to heal the world and the rift between the sexes, to pursue the healing of home and by extension the healing of the earth.



Physical pleasure binds two people together and lets them endure the inevitable pains and losses of being human. When sex becomes boring, something deeper is usually the problem — resentment or envy or lack of honesty. So I worry about the sudden craze for Lysistrata’s solution. Why reject honey for vinegar? Don’t we all deserve sugar in our bowls?
Erica Jong is the author of 22 books, most recently “Sugar in My Bowl.”
A version of this op-ed appeared in print on July 10, 2011, on page SR7 of the New York edition with the headline: Is Sex Passé?.

[boardman]

[landon]

This article shows the confusion of our society in not realizing sex and love are two separate things. I am not into the love thing I just like good sex at a decent price. Look at all the women on sites like SA. They aren't there for love or monogamy LOL.

My current fav does not believe in monogamy and sex is her hobby. You just gotta find the right gal to hobby with.

As a society we can not give in to right wing, religionist, establishment stooges. The gains of the 60's sexual revolution and womens rights (including Roe vs Wade) need to be preserved and fought for.

[Sensia]

Originally Posted by landon

This article shows the confusion of our society in not realizing sex and love are two separate things. I am not into the love thing I just like good sex at a decent price. Look at all the women on sites like SA. They aren't there for love or monogamy LOL.

My current fav does not believe in monogamy and sex is her hobby. You just gotta find the right gal to hobby with.

As a society we can not give in to right wing, religionist, establishment stooges. The gains of the 60's sexual revolution and womens rights (including Roe vs Wade) need to be preserved and fought for.

I agree, our country has taken a shift towards more rightwing conservatism setting women's rights back. I am still shocked at the states that have passed anti-abortion laws and the backlash against planned parenthood.

Quoting a friend of mine who said:

"our general popular shift towards conservatism has resulted in a movement backwards on women's rights and freedoms. In our secular Christian world it is the pressures and changes you've described. In Islamdom we are seeing democracy take root (basically a secular/freedom/liberating movement) but also a rise in the popularity of social/religious conservatism (in the short run anyway). While the democratic impulse in the Arab Spring this year is very encouraging in the long run, it strikes us Westerners as contradictory that a democratic movement would be retrograde on other social issues. However, if you look from a certain perspective at what is happening around our country in regard to this movement backwards on womens's rights there are many similarities between West and Middle East.

The US needs to remember this when we are making decisions about supporting these movements in the Middle East - we may not like some of
the directions they are going on social issues but instituting a real democracy is key. Over time a real democracy will allow attitudes/mores
to evolve, usually generally in the direction of greater freedom and rights. We need to be careful not to support using democracy as an excuse for a theocracy as was done in Iran or a pretense for dictatorship as in Egypt, etc. Yeah I know, that's a long way from Jong's article but it is all intertwined".

[txswing99]

I encountered this dichotomy between views about sex and freedom among women quite directly this past week in a conversation with a group of female friends I met for drinks. Typically when i meet these five women without other men around, I engage them in some great conversations and this time was no different. Its worth noting that each of these women identify personally with the Sex in the City vibe -- intelligent, sexy, independent, etc. -- and are all single/divorced between 37 and 45...so a bit of life experience among them.

One of the women confessed that on occasion she invites a man-friend over for the sole purpose of having him go down on her -- "nothing else!", she is clear with them. Further, she mentioned that she will only invite that person over no more than three times before she moves on to someone else, "it's too weird after they come over twice or more!"

The response from three of her friends was one of full criticism. The criticism encompassed a bit of moralizing ("that's just not very lady-like"), wanton raunchiness, accusations of using men as sex objects, teasing that quid-pro-quo was more fair, etc.

I argued that, "sex is simply healthy", its what adults do and that no man has been hurt by the arrangement. I believed that, "as long as she's honest and considerate to herself and her partners, she should be free to pursue any sex she desires!"

While the critics agreed with my point, they said that, "...its just wrong!"

Prologue: A couple of days later, one of the critics invited one of her friends over under the same agreement. As she shared the experience with me, i teased her a bit and she said, "I've not regrets! I'm a woman!...and I'm free!" I whole-heartedly agreed.

[Sensia]

I have a girl friend who is in her 30's. No she is not an escort.. lol But she is incredibly prudish. It surprises me given her age. She doesn't like to say the word vagina or fuck or anything sexually graphic. She carries on like "the commitment and wedding ring" are of utmost important before she would even consider having real sex with a man. Her attitudes remind me of my grandmother..lol Sad thing is she has no idea how free it is to just have casual sex when you want to, and just enjoy male companionship with no strings attached. I feel sorry for her husband whoever he might be, she will not be very skilled in the bedroom!

[ElisabethWhispers]

I have a dear friend who used to be a co-worker. Smart. Adorable. Has no idea about what I do. But she is also a complete prude.

When she was having some marital problems with her husband a few years back, I asked her a pointed question about sex and you would have thought that I had just started asking about the anti-Christ.

Then after saying that everyone thought that she was shy and didn't like sex, duh, she told me that she didn't need to know any interesting secrets or ideas to be more sexy to her husband. "Elisabeth, I'm very experienced and excellent in bed. I give great oral sex, too!"

I nearly fell out of my chair when she used the words, "oral sex". I just smiled and dropped it. I know that every woman sincerely believes that she is just fantastic in bed. But with only two partners in her life, I'm willing to bet that she could use some advice.

But who am I to say?

People are screwed up in this country about sexual mores. Women are screwed up and so are men. I tend to see women being more free about sexuality because of the business that I'm in.

But I'm always visiting with some just great men who are completely not in-tuned (sp?) with their sexuality and have some very severe hangups. Like the really cute guy a couple of days ago who started praying (a little bit. looking up at the heavens, etc.) after we were finished and then asked me, "Do you think that I'm going to hell for what we just did?".

I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth. That yes, he was going to hell.

Elisabeth

[Sensia]

Originally Posted by ElisabethWhispers

People are screwed up in this country about sexual mores. Women are screwed up and so are men. I tend to see women being more free about sexuality because of the business that I'm in.

But I'm always visiting with some just great men who are completely not in-tuned (sp?) with their sexuality and have some very severe hangups. Like the really cute guy a couple of days ago who started praying (a little bit. looking up at the heavens, etc.) after we were finished and then asked me, "Do you think that I'm going to hell for what we just did?".

I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth. That yes, he was going to hell.

Elisabeth

LMAO..

[ElisabethWhispers]

In retrospect, what I wrote was in poor taste and I somewhat embellished what happened for the sake of storytelling (I have been reading a biography of Ben Franklin. That's my excuse!). My apologies. I shouldn't have written what I did. But my point is the same.

It almost seems as if we've gone backwards with regard to sexuality in some ways. The porn and smut is SO OUT there and so when we do have sex, lord knows that people of both sexes want to be more experimental and graphic.

But overall, I'm seeing where young people are being more careful, being more aware and sensitive to the whole sexual thing than I remember being as an older teenager and young adult.

Of course, that could be the company that I keep!

Elisabeth