Jealousy - Why we feel the need to be #1?

[guest051510-1]

Ok, this is not about boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife type jealousy, although it could be. But, I am trying to figure out where jealousy comes from and why we feel it.

As I write this, Toy Story is playing on the tv in the background. Now, in the story, Woody is Andy's #1 toy. Now Andy has lots of toys, but Woody is his favorite. Then Buzz Lightyear shows up and threatens the dynamics of their relationship and Woody is jealous.

Why is Woody so threatened by Buzz? Does it stem from insecurity? A need to be #1? Or fear of loosing his close relationship with Andy?

Probably a combination of all three.

Recently, my best-est friend in the whole wide world introduced a new friend into our group. I have no claim on this person, nor do I want a claim or commitment. We are just good friends, but I was extremely jealous. I was worried because this new person had more time and was more available that they would somehow replace me. This worried me and made me very anxious.

I don't get that way about clients. Even my very favorite like to see other providers and if they come back to me - great; if not - I enjoyed it while it lasts.

But, why do we get so hurt when we feel we may be replaced?

Maybe if I can pin-point why I feel such emotions, I can eliminate them.

Do you ever get that green moster feeling?

[pjorourke]

Any relation to our Woody?

[Ansley]

Originally Posted by Nicolette Bordeauxva

Do you ever get that green moster feeling?

Never,never, ever... okay that was a lie. Thanks for giving me something to think about while cooking dinner. I will look forward to the comments.

[guest051510-1]

Originally Posted by pjorourke

Any relation to our Woody?

Well, PJ, are you ever jealous that your woody gets more attention than you do?

PJ, "You know, my eyes are up here."

[pjorourke]

Oh, up there!

[guest041110]

There is a reason why it is called on of the seven deadly sins. What you are relating is delving into a whole psychological world of human behavior that is not easily described nor understood by all. I wish I was educated enough to concisely write something that would answer your question Colette but I don’t have it. I do know that I am not a jealous person by nature but I have experienced it for a strange first time when I was involved with someone who meant the world to me. I don’t know why I did since I have never been that way before but the fact that it happened to me tells me something about myself.

[rakuguy]

Originally Posted by Nicolette Bordeauxva

I am trying to figure out where jealousy comes from and why we feel it.

Excerpt from Dealing with Jealousy
Alexander Berzin
March 2004

If we are insecure when a friend or partner is with someone else, we are jealous. This is because we are unsure of our self-worth, insecure of the other person’s love for "me," and thus we do not trust our friend. We fear that "I" will be abandoned.

When we think that love and having a close friendship can be only with one person exclusively, and if he or she has a friendship with someone else, there is no room for "me," this is jealousy. It is based on the feeling of a solid "me" who must be special, and a solid "you" who is so special that we want only this person’s love. Even if there are many others who love us and whom we love, we tend to ignore that fact and think, "That doesn’t count."

Continually opening our hearts to as many others as possible and acknowledging the love that others – friends, relatives, pets, and so on – have for us now, have had in the past, and will have in the future helps us to feel more emotionally secure. This, in turn, helps us to overcome any fixation we may have on anyone being a special object of love, not even ourselves.

[Marcus Aurelius]

I'm trying to remember the last time that was possible for me.
Before some of you were born I'd wager. I've had moments of envy but it doesn't last thankfully.

[discreetgent]

I'm with MA on this; feelings of jealousy have changed over time. What made me envious as a college student simply isn't that big a deal anymore. Having the ability to feel secure in what I mean to a person I am in a relationship in just changes the entire equation.

[Sisyphus]

It's a complicated question, Colette. It comes from a lot of different places in a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons... I guess.

To the extent there's a commonality in all of it, it's probably a perceived threat to one's place/position of uniqueness. As we mature, we realize that about the only thing that makes us unique is how we choose to represent the sum of our experiences. Hopefully, that makes jealousy a young person's game.

LOL... of course NOT... in the real world! But, I think that's how it's supposed to work....

[Ansley]

I think a little jealousy every now and then is pretty normal. Real trouble begins when you act on your feelings. Realize that it isn't really about you. There is nothing you can do to control what two other people are doing. When you start trying to control the situation is when trouble will begin.

[LynetteMarie]

Originally Posted by Ansley

I think a little jealousy every now and then is pretty normal. Real trouble begins when you act on your feelings. Realize that it isn't really about you. There is nothing you can do to control what two other people are doing. When you start trying to control the situation is when trouble will begin.

Ansley's is a nice summary of what simply is. Our egos get wounded here and there, whether by rejection/feeling jealous etc.. it all stems from the same place of insecurity as others have mentioned.

Most of us learn as children to get our self-worth from outside environments--our teachers, our friends, even the bullies. Until we learn to not rely on the things of this physical world (other people's opinions, our salaries, awards won etc..) for our feelings of worth, we are stuck with our egos taking over and shouting, "hey, hellooooo, WHAT ABOUT ME??!!?"

Be the duck.

[WTF]

I am jealous of PJ....he is so damn witty!

I am jealous of Ans.....she is so damn Southern

I am jealous of Niv.....she is so damn hot

I am jealous of Mods....they are never wrong

I am jealous of....you and you and you and YOU TOO


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byEGjLU2egA"]YouTube- Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You[/ame]

[Guest112113-3]

Originally Posted by Marcus Aurelius

I'm trying to remember the last time that was possible for me.
Before some of you were born I'd wager. I've had moments of envy but it doesn't last thankfully.

Originally Posted by discreetgent

I'm with MA on this; feelings of jealousy have changed over time. What made me envious as a college student simply isn't that big a deal anymore. Having the ability to feel secure in what I mean to a person I am in a relationship in just changes the entire equation.

WORD!

I can't believe I am agreeing with this but very seldom do I feel what I would consider Jealousy of any sort, if it has happen it only for a nano second so what ever. Life of experiences, age and having a great mentor in my past life lead me beyond that point. We are what we are, how we deal with it is what matters.

Some one here had a lady friend that I really enjoyed and cared about, I was jealous for a little bit, then I realized good for him, of course I met someone else and I some how forgot about about her..LOL

[Kelly TNT]

I hate the Green Eyed Monster! I know that mine comes from a lot things, places, people...etc. I have been hurt in the past. I think when someone or something stirs this emotion in me....it's because I'm seeing or sensing a familiar past experience. Sometimes it's just me being silly. Sadly, I've been right about those feelings more than I've been wrong though.

I think it's the fear of putting yourself out there..and someone taking advantage of you. It's hard to let yourself truly be open and vulnerable. The reason for me is...I've been hurt before. So, if I have someone or something really fantastic..I think somewhere in the back of my mind..I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. (That's just me.)

My friend just went through something awful with her #1. She said he later told her what he was feeling when he cheated on her...

Things are too perfect. It's not going to last. Sooner or later she will see what a fraud I am. Or, something better, or someone smarter, more in common, better looking, makes more money, or whatever. And it made him feel better about himself...if only for a second, to do what he did. Because, in his mind....he thought he was doing it before she did it to him.

Ooof. How screwed up are we?

I would Love to rid myself of jealousy. Oh, what a gift.

~Kelly TNT