You Can't Make this Stuff Up: Humor in The Hobby

[Charlie Brown]

I enjoy sex a lot. I mean a whhhhooolllleeeee lot!

I also enjoy humor 'cause it's just good for the body & soul.

So, I make arrangements to go see a special provider friend of mine this morning. She's way hot, bunch of positive reviews, and an oral specialist with a freaking gorgeous ass.

I pull up and park facing her front door just as her room mate was leaving. Exchanged traditional hi & bye pleasantries and walked through the front door. I hear " I'm back here ".

I skip to her bedroom and there she is lying in the middle of her bed with only a towel wrapped around her. She's got her eyes closed and she appears to be dozing but talking with me as well. Me: " you stay up late last night? ".......her: " not too late but I didn't sleep all that well "

Moving ahead, I strip down and join her on the bed. I remove the towel and I'm kissing her on the lips, nipples, breast stomach, etc. Little moans of pleasure are coming out of her. I'm thinking I'll wake her good so I pull her to the edge of the bed, my knees are on the floor and I place her legs over my shoulders. I start making her purr by doing my oral thing on her. I hit a few spots that gets my head squeezed so I move up to kiss on her again, poke my wand around and get some attention. Then I move up on her for a gentle face fucking. She seems to be into it but she kinda stops so I stop too.

I roll over on my back and she raises up and goes down on me completely. Now I'm no Long Dong Silver but I'm packin' OK with girth. She's moving naturally and suddenly, she slows again and actually stops with my cock in her mouth.

I'm thinking she's got some new move she's fixing to put on my cock but no. Her neck relaxes, her body makes contact with the bed and she fell asleep.

She freaking went to sleep sucking my dick and left my cock in her mouth. I'm staring at her wondering if she's playing a joke on me then her arm kind of flops over like it does when your body goes to sleep too.

I'm not sure what to do and suddenly she kinda makes this snorting sound.

There she is, snorting and snoring with my cock in her mouth.

I started to laugh but I didn't want to wake her. Got up, got dressed, found a robe in her closet, covered her up, listened to her snore a bit more then let my self out.

I don't care who you are, that's funny stuff !

No, she didn't die - I talked to her later and she doesn't remember falling asleep.

Hey, now I can say I've got a cock that'll knock your ass out !

Yours ?

[KittyLamour]

Well, at the time it wasn't at all funny... But, one time I went on a private residence outcall, everything was fine and we are in the master bedroom and he's going down on me. Just when it starts feeling really good and I'm getting into it I start hearing a loud racket.

I look up over my head, the bed was situated beneath a large window, and his wife was already halfway through the window into the bedroom. She starts yelling, "Oh, so that's what it is, huh.?!"

He jumped up and ran to restrain her and I grabbed my clothes and the envelope, ran out the front door, butt ass naked, jumped in my car, locked the doors, took off and got dressed behind a CVS.

This is the only instance I ever felt justified in the fact that I "took the money and run."

[PeterBota]

You 2 should fuck ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[ElBombero]

Sounds like a bad case of narco...er...lepsy.

[Analeese]

I had a guy get too drunk..and fell asleep at my incall while I'm giving him one of my famous BJs...

I finally get him awake..ask if he uses uber..he said yes...he was so out of it..he gave me the password to his phone so I could order his uber (I wouldn't let him drive home drunk from my incall) . We got him a Starbucks and I walked out to the uber and let the driver know to get my friend home safe.

The End.

[Cornelius]

I had a provider offer to take her teeth out. She said BJs are better that way. I declined the offer. I'm not sure if the shock I felt showed on my face, but I'm pretty sure it must have. She wasn't old and she wasn't tore up looking so I was shocked that she had removable teeth.

[oldbutstillgoing]

Many years ago, at a club, I arranged with a hot, but very drunk little blonde for a BJ. Went to VIP, got started very nicely. Suddenly, she stops. I look down and she has passed out cold with her head on my thigh and my dick still in her mouth. WTF??? Should I just face fuck her or what? Decided no, she might choke and bite. Got her awake, paid her $20 because she did go back there with me and headed out of VIP. The manager stops me and asked if everything went ok? I said "Hell no! She passed out with my dick in her mouth!!" He fired her on the spot. Turns out there had been several complaints and it was not just booze that made her pass out.

Now, an insecure man would be very traumatized by having a gal pass out during BJ. But another gal quickly restored my self confidence.

Funny as hell now. Not so amusing at the time

[AutumnSkyi]

😂 that's too funny! The exact thing happen to be in personal life when I didn't get enough sleep. I feel asleep with his dick in my mouth. He shook me a few times, I was in and out, then finally out.
Guy thought I was bored. Lol.

Originally Posted by Charlie Brown

I enjoy sex a lot. I mean a whhhhooolllleeeee lot!

I also enjoy humor 'cause it's just good for the body & soul.

So, I make arrangements to go see a special provider friend of mine this morning. She's way hot, bunch of positive reviews, and an oral specialist with a freaking gorgeous ass.

I pull up and park facing her front door just as her room mate was leaving. Exchanged traditional hi & bye pleasantries and walked through the front door. I hear " I'm back here ".

I skip to her bedroom and there she is lying in the middle of her bed with only a towel wrapped around her. She's got her eyes closed and she appears to be dozing but talking with me as well. Me: " you stay up late last night? ".......her: " not too late but I didn't sleep all that well "

Moving ahead, I strip down and join her on the bed. I remove the towel and I'm kissing her on the lips, nipples, breast stomach, etc. Little moans of pleasure are coming out of her. I'm thinking I'll wake her good so I pull her to the edge of the bed, my knees are on the floor and I place her legs over my shoulders. I start making her purr by doing my oral thing on her. I hit a few spots that gets my head squeezed so I move up to kiss on her again, poke my wand around and get some attention. Then I move up on her for a gentle face fucking. She seems to be into it but she kinda stops so I stop too.

I roll over on my back and she raises up and goes down on me completely. Now I'm no Long Dong Silver but I'm packin' OK with girth. She's moving naturally and suddenly, she slows again and actually stops with my cock in her mouth.

I'm thinking she's got some new move she's fixing to put on my cock but no. Her neck relaxes, her body makes contact with the bed and she fell asleep.

She freaking went to sleep sucking my dick and left my cock in her mouth. I'm staring at her wondering if she's playing a joke on me then her arm kind of flops over like it does when your body goes to sleep too.

I'm not sure what to do and suddenly she kinda makes this snorting sound.

There she is, snorting and snoring with my cock in her mouth.

I started to laugh but I didn't want to wake her. Got up, got dressed, found a robe in her closet, covered her up, listened to her snore a bit more then let my self out.

I don't care who you are, that's funny stuff !

No, she didn't die - I talked to her later and she doesn't remember falling asleep.

Hey, now I can say I've got a cock that'll knock your ass out !

Yours ?

[johnspice]

Sounds like happy people without any worry whatsoever! Being able to fall asleep like that!!

[ScrewDriver01]

+1
Lol...

Originally Posted by johnspice

Sounds like happy people without any worry whatsoever! Being able to fall asleep like that!!

[MarineButch]

I had a girlfriend years ago that loved to fall asleep with my cock in her mouth..she said it "comforted" her....all I knew was morning sex was always available...loved that lady...

[darkwader]

Originally Posted by Cornelius

I had a provider offer to take her teeth out. She said BJs are better that way. I declined the offer. I'm not sure if the shock I felt showed on my face, but I'm pretty sure it must have. She wasn't old and she wasn't tore up looking so I was shocked that she had removable teeth.

dont tell me you passed on a gumjob? there's nothing like it...once you've had it you'll never look at a blue hair the same way again.

[micktoz]

I fell asleep once. It was about 3 am with my last wife and we had just finished a wonderful missionary mayhem. I slid down to DATY some more and she tells me I fell asleep nose deep. She also said she finished herself on my nose and rolled over to sleep. No harm , no foul.
Those were the early days. In later days I fell asleep because she wasn't interested.
It was great while it lasted.

[cayden caramel]

Warning: this one is disgusting.

So, I go to meet this guy at his hotel and it's about 5 or 6pm on a Sunday. He insists we meet down at the bar, so I say okay. I get there and he is drinking a beer. He asks if I want anything and I order a water. When I got there, the guy didn't seem drunk at all. Maybe a little outgoing, but not drunk. By the time he finished the beer and we were walking up to his room, he was stumbling and holding onto the wall for support. At this point, I'm thinking "oh shit" to myself, but I decide to keep going. Stupid me.

We get into the room and take our clothes off and start (kind of) going at it. When I was giving him a BJ, he fell asleep, so I stopped and asked if he wanted me to just leave. He groggily says, "come here" and throws me on top of him so we are in 69. He starts eating my pussy very roughly and then suddenly,, I hear gagging and then something warm and gooey on me. He's PUKING ON ME!!!

He throws me off of him and runs to the bathroom and finishes puking his brains out. I'm standing there, gagging and trying not to throw up myself. I then have to go into the bathroom and rinse myself off the best I can while he is hovering over the toilet. I put my clothes on and set a bottle of water next to his bed with 2 aspirins.

The next day, he calls me to apologize and tells me that he NEVER drinks like that and doesn't know what happened. I tell him his apology is accepted, but I never see him again.

[Gbfsl]

Was in The Philippines one night and had been drinking rather heavily with friends there. The next thing I know I found myself in a hotel that specialized in any form of debauchery one can imagine. Each room offered different services. I found myself in a room with a lady that spoke no English whatsoever. She started with a nice table shower and body rub. Nice BJ and HJ.
Next thing I know she drapes a washcloth over my dick and balls. She sprays something on the cloth and then lights it. Yes, lights that MF. I look down and my dick is on fire (well, technically the cloth is on fire with my dick underneath it). All I can remember is I was so drunk all I could do was laugh. My damn dick is on fire and I am laughing. WTF.

It finally got to a point of being a little uncomfortable and my dick starting to burn, so I am making all kinds of gestures for her to do something. So she slowly pulls the burning cloth off my dick and immediately grabs a handful of ice that was in a bowl by her side and covers my rather hot dick in ice cubes. After about 15 seconds of applying the ice she put my dick in her mouth and I experienced one of the most intense orgasms of my life.

Don't know why, but that combination of fire and ice, and then her warm mouth made me explode like Addison on the 4th of July.

Somewhat scary at the time, having your dick set on fire, but funny as hell when I share the story with people now.