Stupid Jokes Thread

[Guest062716]

Dirty Johnny was sitting in the back of math class, when the teacher called upon him.

"Johnny, If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?", she asked.
Johnny answered, "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off, so the answer is zero."

"No, Johnny, if you start with three and shoot one, there will be two left…. but I like the way you're thinking.", the teacher said.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you” said Johnny. “Three women walk out of an ice cream shop, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question, answered, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Johnny replies "No teach, it is the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[knotty man]

Lol. The joke so nice it gets told twice. (see pg. 5). Atleast the Alzheimer hasn't kicked in. I like squirrels, theyre my favorite season. Whats you favorite color mine is back in 1978 when I was a lil girl. I like I've cream...

[Guest062716]

A bolt, a screw and a nail walk into a bar...

[Guest062716]

The husband wakes up in the middle of the night, feeling frisky, he nudges his wife awake and asks, "Baby, why don’t we make some love?"

His wife replies, "Honey, I have an appointment with my OB-GYN in the morning and you know I don't like to make love the night before."

The husband acknowledges and reluctantly rolls over starts back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment in the morning as well, do you?"

[Guest062716]

I was sitting in class the other night as the professor was wrapping things up and discussing our final exam.

She said there would be “no excuses for not showing up for the test, barring a dire medical condition or the death of an immediate family member”.

One of my smart ass classmates, piped up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" This caused the classroom to burst into laughter.

After the laughter died down, my professor glared at the student and said, "Tony, that is not an excuse; you will just have to use your other hand to write."

[randomguy2010]

Sarge, those last 3 long jokes are golden. I'll have to remember those for future reference. So deliciously corny but golden. That Johnny... gotta love his eclectic misadventures.

[Guest062716]

There was a depressed young attractive blonde, who following her breakup, was considering ending her life by jumping into the ocean.

As she lingered at the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, asked what was up and taking pity on her said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, it seemed a better alternative than jumping into the cold ocean. Early the next morning, the sailor brought snuck her aboard ship and hid her in one of the lifeboats.

That night and every night thereafter, he brought her three sandwiches, a bottle of water and a piece of fruit, followed by several hours of passionate sex.

Two weeks later, during a routine search, the ship’s captain discovers the stowaway. 'What are you doing here?' he asked. She sat up and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this here is the Staten Island Ferry.'

[InsatiableNicki]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger having sex his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

[Guest062716]

Tom leaves the house late one night, telling his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.


He arrives at the local convenience store, only to realize it closed at midnight. So Tom ends up going to a local bar, to use the cigarette vending machine.


While he is there, he decides to have a couple of beers and ends up striking a conversation with a beautiful blonde. The next thing you know, he has had quite a few drinks and somehow ends up in the blonde’s apartment, following last call.


The next thing you know, it is now 4 a.m.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" Tom exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

The blonde gets him some J&J baby powder and he rubs it all over his hands and heads home.
When Tom gets home, his wife is up waiting for him and furiously shouts. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

Tom replies, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, bought cigarettes, had a few drinks, went home with a beautiful blonde and I had sex with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. Tom shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling all night again!"

[Guest062716]

I came home one day to my second wife. Her suitcases were packed and sitting in the living room, a cab parked in the driveway. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I asked.

"I am going to Las Vegas.” She replied. “I found out I can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn some cash for what I do to you free."

I went to the bedroom and came back with my bag packed. Wife #2 demanded. "Where do you think you are going?!?!"

“I am going to Vegas to watch this; I want to see how you will survive on $800 a year!!!"

[Guest062716]

I just heard about a bedroom game called Rodeo Sex.

Mount your woman from behind, starting nice and slow.

Grab her hair, pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear,

“Your sister was better than you...”

Try to hold on for 8 seconds!

[Guest062716]

A young married woman was complaining that she didn’t have enough money in the household budget to buy anything nice for herself every now and then.

After some discussion, the husband decides that, if she is good in bed, he will empty the loose change from his pant’s pocket into a piggy bank, next to the bed on the wife’s side. She can have that money as a “reward” for pleasing her man.

This goes on for a while.

One day the husband gets a little friskier than usual and accidentally sends the piggy bank onto the floor where it breaks into a hundred pieces.

As he looks at the mess, he is surprised to notice that among the mass of coins, there are handfuls of wadded up fives, tens and twenties. Knowing they weren’t his and sure she must be skimming from the household budget, the husband asks, "What's with all these bills?"

His wife replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap a bastard as you are."

[Guest062716]

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor stated.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".

The patient is obviously taken back, "What's the good news then, Doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk. "You see that blue eyed blonde, with the big breasts? She has a tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven!", the patient shakes his head, "yes, and????" The doctor replies, "Well, I am fucking her, and my wife has no idea."

[Guest062716]

A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at the breakfast table.

"Well YOU are no good in bed, either!" He shouts as he storms off to work.

By mid-day, the doctor decides he had better make amends and he calls his wife.

He gets her voice mail for about 10 minutes, and finally she answers.

"What took you so long to answer?" He asks.

"I was in bed." She replies.

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"I was getting a second opinion, dear."

[Guest062716]

The teacher in middle school history class asked: "Who can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny was the only one to raise his hand.

Reluctantly, the teacher called on little Johnny, who quickly replied: “Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king, teacher.”