nothing reply anything you want

[offshoredrilling]

Snapple cap "Real Facts" #852

Clearwater, Florida has the highest rate of lighting strikes per capita in the USA.

Find more "Real Facts" at snapple.com

Ok I can see lighting per sq mile. So who pays for the strange facts. Some how I am sure that Tax dollars paid for that one.

Now for the other Snapple cap I put in my pocket when done with drink, As it caught my eye last week.

"Real Fact" #895

If you shake a can of mixed nuts, the larger nuts will rise to the top.


"WOW", also true in real life. And yes I ether plea the 5th, or guilty. Still thinking that over . Please stay tuned for, just how strange is OSD's mind.


Edit: thinking it over: or is that just strange how his mind works. And I plea the 5th.

[offshoredrilling]

Dad gets to know the boyfriend

Originally Posted by Escortbunny69

Dad gets home to find his 17yr old daughter with a pink dildo up her bum "What the hell are you doing" he shouts

"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend, so this is my BF substitute"!!. The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad drinking a can of beer with the pink dildo up his bum "What the hell are you doing!!!!!!" she shouts
Dad replies Having a beer with your bf

some how you had to know I would keep looking.

hope here in this thread is safe

[offshoredrilling]

Pamela David: top paint bottom errrr rats

Ever sense her pic's have shown up in this and another thread in are litter box.
I have to google for more. She loves to show her rack. And she does have a nice set of lungs. But never lower. She will go nude. But you some how never get to see the honey pot.
In need of help
OSD

P.S. thanks jack, I love her look

[cnym]

Suspicious wife
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when he came in silently.....
He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said
“You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No indeed, Madam" said the gardener!!"

[offshoredrilling]

Originally Posted by Paige Hunter

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

a

[cnym]

A little boy asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”

"Thanks, Mom...”



He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."


Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

[offshoredrilling]

As I hear it, Only when you ignore the warring signs when having fun with and I why, but you marry it. For outside the circle. And that I hear leads guys to be afraid of free pussy and go for lease or rent. But then some guys screw that up by leasing/renting to own. Only to find out he is yet again owned.

[offshoredrilling]

two I put on the big board

Originally Posted by offshoredrilling

Tom's scrotum

THE BEST STORY OF THE YEAR

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Originally Posted by offshoredrilling

The power of women! It would be even funnier if it was not to close to the truth.

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $31.00

==========

Oil Change instructions forMen :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16" box wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent (adjustable) wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

and one for you single again guys from another poster

Originally Posted by Porscheboy8888

A businessman was off on a trip to Brazil and sent the following email to his wife, which caused the divorce.

Arrived safely, completed work quickly, Now having the time of my life with friends.

Wish you were her .

[cnym]

Are you a Provider or a Therapist?
You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your agency gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the agency just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your agency drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your agency encourages drinking and you become addicted to alcohol to ease the pain.
You know the agency is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell.
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another agency.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.".

[offshoredrilling]

good one


mmmm lets see errrrrr ok got it. its a old one.

Two male coworkers chatting on coffee break.

One starts to talk about dinky dipping.
So he is telling the other guy how great is was that this girl he knew would dip his dinky in wine. Lick and suck it off and dip it again. Man this is so great, have you every had it.

The other guy says yes I had a girl do that to me but had to give it up.

Give it up why it feels so great.

Well had to stop for heath, and it was painful, very panful.

What how can that be painful.

Well she used very hot coffee.

mmmm let me try to add to the joke

So a female coworker sitting at the same table that has been getting hit on by the wine story guy. Looks at the coffee story guy, and with a sheepish smile says " Awww it didn't hurt that bad did it.

coffee guy says Sorry I got to leave now

wine guy as she sips her coffee and asks him "so what you doing latter, want to go for a dip?"




edit: please all providers that read this. We need a report. You use hot tea or coffee, or wine. please wine!!!!
I do like with a you having a mouth full of crushed ICE!!!!!

[offshoredrilling]

some more Snapple.com real facts



"The Mayflower only held 102 people" mmmmm ONLY, where they put them? I have been on replicas. And with 102 on board, leaves treating people as cargo.



"Relative to size, the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body" And most men thinks its another part, but that's the small head thinking.



"Most Koala bears sleep about 22 hours a day" mmmmmmm That's what I want to be in my next life. Dump, eat, sex, then right back to bed. Hay its already way past my bedtime.

[cnym]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

[brutusbluto]

[offshoredrilling]

[LynnT]

http://www.baconsaltblog.com/2009/04...kes-on-us.html