Welcome to ECCIE - Sign up today!

randomguy2010 · 08-08-2013, 04:48 PM

Of course, you all know you can't have a joke thread without Chuck Norris finding his way in at some point. Plus he lives in the town next to me so it's perfect.

What is Chuck Norris' favorite sex position?
Missionary... because Chuck Norris NEVER fucks up.

Buckskin · 08-14-2013, 01:15 PM

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.

Guest062716 · 08-14-2013, 04:58 PM

Chuck Norris and Superman had a fight with a wager riding on it. The loser had to wear his underwear outside of his pants........

Buckskin · 08-14-2013, 06:05 PM

The difference between a bolt, a screw and a nail?

I've never been bolted.

knotty man · 08-14-2013, 06:10 PM

chuck norris can kick the back of your face!!

Guest062716 · 08-14-2013, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buckskin

What's the difference between a bolt, a screw and a nail?

I've never been bolted.

Um. Buck, you are repeating yourself buddy......Post #16 AND Post #79 in this same thread. You need to find a blonde and take a break from work....

Buckskin · 08-14-2013, 08:37 PM

Did you quote my 16th or 79th post?
I might of lost my short term memory but at least I haven't lost my short term memory.

Yes, yes.... a blonde. In my future.

Two blondes on opposite sides of the river. One says, how do you get to the other side?
The other blonde says, you are on the other side!

Guest062716 · 08-15-2013, 08:15 AM

The original title for the movie Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris,

The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Guest062716 · 08-15-2013, 09:35 AM

Great advice from the Brits! LOL

True sign from the Northampton General Hospital in Great Britain.

Lil' Tex · 08-15-2013, 03:37 PM

They're coming out with a new mint flavored birth control pill that you take right before sex. They are called "Predickamints"

Guest062716 · 08-16-2013, 08:22 AM

are those like condom mints? (sound it out... lol) Or are they more appropriately a "lack of condom, mints"?

(I snicker inside when the drive through people ask me if I want any "condom mints" when they are handing over my order.....)

I want to say, "No, my woman gives me BBBJ, she never needs a mint to cover up that condom taste, but thanks for offering......."

Lil' Tex · 08-20-2013, 04:35 PM

LMAO!

Lil' Tex · 08-20-2013, 04:36 PM

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Lil' Tex · 08-22-2013, 01:58 PM

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a finger into his mouth.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender, flustered, managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

Lil' Tex · 08-22-2013, 03:43 PM

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"