Jokes

[Burlarr]

Irish cop and London lawyer...

A famous London lawyer runs a stop sign in a rural area outside of Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any local Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

Big-shot London lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

[Burlarr]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for jumping a red light.

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light offence. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an asshole!”

Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;

“Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

The Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

Officer: “Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, Sir.

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”

How often does a lawyer get to convict his own client?

[Burlarr]

Aging gracefully:

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

[Burlarr]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington, DC, that included Hillary Clinton.

Clinton quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

The woman thanked her and started to leave, when she said, “I’m Hillary Clinton, and I hope you’ll vote Democratic in the next election.”

The woman laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head.”

[Dorian Gray]

What did the sherif call the black teen who had been shot 12 times?

Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

[Burlarr]

Once upon a time three Lieutenants were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Lieutenant knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!”

poof

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful!

The second Lieutenant, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

poof

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Lieutenant who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

poof

The Lord converted the Lieutenant into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream, and crossed the bridge.

[Burlarr]

Thoughts of a senior citizen

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Burlarr]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

The minister fainted.

Now, that’s funny ... I don’t care WHO you are

[Burlarr]

How Old is grandma?

(Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end ... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother About current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and Just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, “Well, let me think a minute,

I was born before:

• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:

• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir.”

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man With a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was A bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with Your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the Evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD’s, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

• “grass” was mowed,
• “coke” was a cold drink,
• “pot” was something your mother cooked in and
• “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.
• “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,
• “chip” meant a piece of wood,
• “hardware” was found in a hardware store and.
• “software” wasn’t even a word.

We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

We volunteered to protect our precious country.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????

This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.

GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER “OLD ONES.”

<BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT.>

[Burlarr]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ‘‘P’’ without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ‘‘P’’ without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category.

[Sistine Chapel]

Originally Posted by Dorian Gray

What did the sherif call the black teen who had been shot 12 times?

Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

LOL this thread is alright. I wonder though how far we can go.

[Oralist]

From Willie Nelson's autobiography.

What's the difference between a Whore and the IRS?

A Whore stops fucking you when you are dead.

[Burlarr]

George, an elderly man from Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[Burlarr]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee”s home phone number and was greeted with a child”s whisper.”Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?”he asked.

“Yes” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?””Yes”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes, “whispered the child,” a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy, “whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

“The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... “ME.”

[Dorian Gray]

What's the difference between a park bench & a Negro?

A park bench can support a family
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Why don't Black people like aspirin?

Because they have to pick through cotton to get it
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What do you call a Black guy that goes to college?

A basketball player