I am retiring from the hobby and I am posting this thread in an open forum, too, as an expression of turning around toward openness and integrity, a part of leaving the hobby behind to pursue recovery.
Some weeks ago, LAP gave me sage advice privately. Therefore I have requested my account be closed permanently, and not to be reopened. I have request that my 'contributions' and items stored or archived be erased from the database if that is possible. Let randyrogue and his journal be erased from cyberspace now, and hopefully in time from my mind. I am also taking steps to close out immediately the
tamu6869@yahoo.com email account so I can no longer access it. WHY?
I am self-destructing and powerless to stop.
I must find recovery and health before I destroy what remains of my life. This is as close to 'rock bottom' as I wish to be. If I were closer I likely would destroy myself literally. That is not the answer.
I must turn around 180 degrees and reenter the path toward recovery of health and integrity.
As LAP said in that previous PM, the only way to 'quit' is to cut all ties and walk away.
I would add one more proviso to finding health, namely joining a community that is seeking recovery to establish openness, dispel the prison of secrecy, and to establish accountability. I have a psychiatrist and will find a 'group.' I have been in 12 step groups before and excused myself out of them (DENIAL is not just a river in Egypt.) I must find one again.
I remember attending
The Meadows in AZ a decade ago and meeting Patrick Carnes, in whose
Gentle Path facility Tiger is reportedly getting counsel. I began that gentle path towards recovery and health; and relapsed (every addict of whatever ‘drug’ does), and began a downward spiral leading to today. I remember our
Meadows group visiting a 12-step recovery group in Sedona AZ while there, and experiencing the liberating force healing in that closed community of recovery. I shall seek out and find and join one such community here at home. I must!
Therefore I must leave 'the hobby' by which I am self-destructing in order to find REAL life and freedom and joy and openness and love and intimacy, all of which I sought in the hobby and none of which I found. What I found was the illusion, the counterfeit of those things accompanied by the drug of orgasms, hers and mine.
CB said it best in a recent post:
"IMHO, if you are looking for intimacy, then 1-2-3 hour sessions are worse than a one-night stand....they leave you more empty than before you started - MOST of the time. The Hobby is good for one thing for guys - and romance/intimacy/true affection/ is NOT it. If you look for that in the Hobby you will be sorely disappointed."
I have stirred things up a bit, agitating some -- (remember a washing machine uses an agitator to clean things up) -- and that without apology. Perhaps vainly so, yet in my mind it was in the interests of the PA brotherhood and the eccie community, with jabs taken at my antagonists.
To those whom I injured with my taunts, I apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
If ever I have mis-spoken or mis-stated something (and as imperfect beings, we all will on occasion -- we cannot help but err) -- then please forgive that.
I ask for your forgiveness not for my sake or any kind of 'legacy' of rr's reputation. Realize that your continuing unforgiveness will not hurt anyone toward whom you hold a grudge. Your grudges will hurt no one but yourself. I speak from bitter first person experience.
Rather I encourage you to give up ALL grudges toward EVERYONE.
Grudges are too expensive emotionally.
Grudges distort your perception and thoughts, your relationships and actions, your quality of life.
So dismiss ALL GRUDGES. Dispose of them like the garbage you put on the curb every week, be done with it once and for all -- FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.
My participation may be missed (not that much), but especially by my antagonists who have amused themselves at my expense. If any ask,
'What happened to rr?', you are free to describe my departure as I have outlined it here, adding whatever commentary you may wish (or not). Some will mock. I care not. That is part of their dis-ease, not mine. I will not know their response because I am exiting the community momentarily not to return again. I must make a clean break in order to find recovery of health and other good times in which to continue recovery, to prosper and even to revel again.
I wish you well in your journey, too, with
Best regards,
randyrogue aka rr (2003-2010)
In reality,
M., a sex-addict / sexaholic, seeking recovery, beginning with unconditional surrender to God, Who alone can restore me to sanity and enable me to recover integrity toward Him, myself and all others.
I encourage you to pursue your long term health, not momentary 'happiness.'
