Your Worst Experiences ... With a Twist

[Perfect Playmate]

Originally Posted by FBSMLUVR

With all the stupid BS drama going on in here today, I almost missed this post. Fucking hilarious! The double Sneaktoungue at the end topped it off perfectly! Lmfao!

Nice to see you back posting in our forum Jessica. Your humor and whit has been sorely missed pretty lady!

Thanks hun...

[leep411]

couldn't resist to add this one... traveling on business, I got in late from business dinner and had had enough drinks to really want some company but no one on ECCIE was responding so late and there aren't that many in PA anyways. So BP it is...found one, and I felt like I had figured out how to identify fakes, so she was all set, sent different pictures that matched ad, and then says do you want a double I say send me a picture her friend was hot I asked is this actually you or just a likeness..."100% real picts"...so I tell them to come on, give them room number when they say they have arrived, and get knock on door, look through the peep hole and they are facing each other talking, with one of them having their back to the door, so like a dumbass, I open it, as soon as door starts to open they bum rush into the door and looked like they used to play for the Steelers, but when they didn't wear face guards... I am not sure one of them was even a woman. I said "look you obviously lied to me, here is $40 for gas money, but this is not happening" So they start in on me saying oh baby you wanted two of us we are here lets have fun...I threw up a little in mouth thinking about that, and apologize again and told them no, please leave, they get pissed start raising their voices, and honestly I wasn't sure I could kick their linebacker ass even at 6'1 225. Then one pulls her phone out and starts videoing saying she is going to post the video that I ordered two prostitutes and they were going to post my number...well luckily I was on a hobby phone and didn't know anybody with in 1000 miles, so I told them I don't give a fuck if they want to incriminate themselves that they are soliciting or what they do as long as they get out of my room. They flare up a little more, and was starting to get out of hand as they were becoming more confrontational and louder, so I grab the phone, and acted like I hit the zero and said " I need security to room# 622" and they looked at each other with big ol saucer eyeballs and so I said I was being assaulted by two "women" and they are wearing a red and blue dress, they looked down at their dresses, looked at each other and started for the door, I said "yes i'll stay on the line", no more than when the door closed the phone started giving that busy signal from being off the hook. I went and looked through the peep hole and I guess they had gotten a little ways down the hall towards elevator and decided they had better take the stairs to avoid security and I could hear them ranting as they walked back by room towards the stairs and one of them looking over her shoulder...

[oldpun]

Years ago in Austin, I contacted a girl who had been seen by a friend. I went to her place and we were just starting to undress when her "boyfriend" burst in with a gun yelling at the girl about betraying him etc.... He told me to get the hell out and kept yelling at the girl.
So classic set up to get the money without putting out, right? Wrong, the donation was still in my pocket. So I either met the only boyfriend ever who found out his girl was a whore, or a couple of incompetents.

[delimex007]

Originally Posted by oldpun

Years ago in Austin, I contacted a girl who had been seen by a friend. I went to her place and we were just starting to undress when her "boyfriend" burst in with a gun yelling at the girl about betraying him etc.... He told me to get the hell out and kept yelling at the girl.
So classic set up to get the money without putting out, right? Wrong, the donation was still in my pocket. So I either met the only boyfriend ever who found out his girl was a whore, or a couple of incompetents.

Jeez Oldpun - as they say - Truth is stranger than Fiction !
That is indeed hilarious !

[JHurt1968]

Originally Posted by Perfect Playmate

Can you please unblock my number and come pick up your gramps gift...
Btw. Tell your cousin I said hello, we had an amazing chat about you in the bathroom

Oh for fucks sake, do I have to block you here as well?!
:grinp:

[LubbockExec]

My one and only BP experience...I'm usually a slow learner and have to step in several piles of shit before I learn to walk around them, but I was quick enough to learn my lesson the first time on this one...

So, made the appointment based off of cute pics (I know, I know, you don't have to say it), availability on short notice, and a scorching case of not knowing what the fuck I was doing (still suffer from that one, but it's getting better).

The session was supposed to be an hour for $$ which was encouraging compared to all the $.6 "specials" advertised on BP. I'm a complete dumbass, but even I know that quality is a little more expensive.

So, I get to the incall location. She waves at me from the door, from the shadows, kind of waving me in, then disappears back in the house. Feels kinda sketchy. Alarms are ringing. But, I figured I might as well go ahead and make this mistake...I mean why not? I'd already come this far. Right?

So I walk in the house, let my eyes adjust to the dark, and look around. There is a bed right in the living room, which may have been the only room in the tiny house big enough for a queen bed. A little, fluffy, white dog that appeared to be full blood Yapping Pain-in-the-Ass was going batshit crazy inside a pet carrier in the corner. There were ashtrays all around with various brands of butts littering the trays themselves, the various surfaces they occupied, and the floor in the general area of the ashtray. Several home rolled...uh... "herbal" type butts were in plain sight as well. The walls were cracked, smoke stained, and adorned with the typical poor taste of what could only be a high school dropout, including but not limited to, several NASCAR posters taped to the walls with duct tape, about the same number of bikini-clad and partially nude centerfolds also affixed with duct tape, and the crowning jewel, I shit you not... a collection of those 1980's carnival prize rock band mirrors that you get for popping three ballons in a row at the dart throw booth. Motley Crue, Dokken (anybody even fucking remember Dokken?), Led Zepplin, and a few others I can't rember. Of course the place was small and cramped, but at least it was filthy.

The bed had only two pillows with mismatched pillow cases. One pink. One was probably originally white. No blankets or comforter, just a fitted sheet and top sheet and in the dim light, were the cleanest looking thing in the room. Upon closer inspection, the bed wasn't a bed at all, just a box springs and mattress on the floor.

In short, it WAS the place your mother told you you'd wind up if you visited prostitutes. Looking around the room with my eyes fully adjusted, every sleazy cliche in the book was in plain sight except one. No hooker.

She was in the bathroom with the water running in the sink. For a long time. A really long time. Possibly, but probably not, brushing her tooth. Yeah. The one good one.

Anyway, she comes out of the bathroom finally, says she's sorry but she had to take her medication (there was still a little medication residue around her upper lip and nasal area. She smiled sweetly, revealing cracked, horribly stained teeth, and pointed to a dresser in between twitches and jerks, asking me to leave the donation there.

Before I could move (I was overcome with disappointment and in awe of the sheer level of WTF??? that I was entangled in) she began the do's and dont's list as if running down the operation of the fryer for a Mickey D's newhire. I can't remember everything, but I do remember no kissing (I wondered if that was a serious problem that she had to fight off a lot), no face to face FS positions, condoms for everything (including hj and THANK GOD... I kinda felt like I needed a hat on just standing there), and no popping inside or on anything. Pull out and pop in the cover.

Now, during this little rundown, she slides out of her shorts and panties, takes off her top, and is twitching and tweaking her way around the room picking up and setting down random objects, stopping her spiel long enough to tell the dog to shut up, and constantly swinging her stringy, greasy hair out of her face.

I still hadn't moved. Hadn't caught a clue as to how I was gonna navigate these turbulent waters. Mercifully, she finally did something to snap me out of that daze of disbelief my mind was shrouded in. Just as she finished up the thirty or forty second blurb about do's, dont's, and her vast experience as a travelling dancer thrown in without taking a breath, she walked around the bed, put her foot on the metal folding chair that served as a nightstand, plucked a babywipe out of the economy brand, bulk sized box of several thousand, and proceeded to give her cooch a quick run-through.

Seriously?? Couldn't have done that in the bathroom while you were sniffing your vitamins or whatever the fuck you called it? I almost burst into laughter. I mean, some things are just so pathetically sad they become funny. I can't imagine the rough roads and bad choices that brought that poor girl to where she was, but I was ready to make my part of it as brief as possible.

I took out my wallet, put two Ben Franklins on the dresser. Turned around and walked out the door. After all, in a strange way, she provided the service I was looking for. I was not horny ANY MORE. Couldn't even muster up a do-it-yourself session that afternoon. She crashed my whole spankbank. For a few hours I thought I might be ruined forever. But I'm better now. Healing. Day by day getting stronger. And I'm much wiser. I'll stick to eccie. At least you can read the reviews and have SOME idea of what you're getting into.

Hope y'all got a giggle. But fuck, folks, that kinda shit really ain't funny.��

LEx

[john_deere]

holy shit. that is one of the most brilliantly written stories i've ever read. just reading it made me need to go take a shower.

[quick draw mc graw]

Yup

My spank back crashed as i got a visual from your experience

Well written.

That's learning from experience.

[JHurt1968]

Originally Posted by LubbockExec

My one and only BP experience...I'm usually a slow learner and have to step in several piles of shit before I learn to walk around them, but I was quick enough to learn my lesson the first time on this one...

So, made the appointment based off of cute pics (I know, I know, you don't have to say it), availability on short notice, and a scorching case of not knowing what the fuck I was doing (still suffer from that one, but it's getting better).

The session was supposed to be an hour for $$ which was encouraging compared to all the $.6 "specials" advertised on BP. I'm a complete dumbass, but even I know that quality is a little more expensive.

So, I get to the incall location. She waves at me from the door, from the shadows, kind of waving me in, then disappears back in the house. Feels kinda sketchy. Alarms are ringing. But, I figured I might as well go ahead and make this mistake...I mean why not? I'd already come this far. Right?

So I walk in the house, let my eyes adjust to the dark, and look around. There is a bed right in the living room, which may have been the only room in the tiny house big enough for a queen bed. A little, fluffy, white dog that appeared to be full blood Yapping Pain-in-the-Ass was going batshit crazy inside a pet carrier in the corner. There were ashtrays all around with various brands of butts littering the trays themselves, the various surfaces they occupied, and the floor in the general area of the ashtray. Several home rolled...uh... "herbal" type butts were in plain sight as well. The walls were cracked, smoke stained, and adorned with the typical poor taste of what could only be a high school dropout, including but not limited to, several NASCAR posters taped to the walls with duct tape, about the same number of bikini-clad and partially nude centerfolds also affixed with duct tape, and the crowning jewel, I shit you not... a collection of those 1980's carnival prize rock band mirrors that you get for popping three ballons in a row at the dart throw booth. Motley Crue, Dokken (anybody even fucking remember Dokken?), Led Zepplin, and a few others I can't rember. Of course the place was small and cramped, but at least it was filthy.

The bed had only two pillows with mismatched pillow cases. One pink. One was probably originally white. No blankets or comforter, just a fitted sheet and top sheet and in the dim light, were the cleanest looking thing in the room. Upon closer inspection, the bed wasn't a bed at all, just a box springs and mattress on the floor.

In short, it WAS the place your mother told you you'd wind up if you visited prostitutes. Looking around the room with my eyes fully adjusted, every sleazy cliche in the book was in plain sight except one. No hooker.

She was in the bathroom with the water running in the sink. For a long time. A really long time. Possibly, but probably not, brushing her tooth. Yeah. The one good one.

Anyway, she comes out of the bathroom finally, says she's sorry but she had to take her medication (there was still a little medication residue around her upper lip and nasal area. She smiled sweetly, revealing cracked, horribly stained teeth, and pointed to a dresser in between twitches and jerks, asking me to leave the donation there.

Before I could move (I was overcome with disappointment and in awe of the sheer level of WTF??? that I was entangled in) she began the do's and dont's list as if running down the operation of the fryer for a Mickey D's newhire. I can't remember everything, but I do remember no kissing (I wondered if that was a serious problem that she had to fight off a lot), no face to face FS positions, condoms for everything (including hj and THANK GOD... I kinda felt like I needed a hat on just standing there), and no popping inside or on anything. Pull out and pop in the cover.

Now, during this little rundown, she slides out of her shorts and panties, takes off her top, and is twitching and tweaking her way around the room picking up and setting down random objects, stopping her spiel long enough to tell the dog to shut up, and constantly swinging her stringy, greasy hair out of her face.

I still hadn't moved. Hadn't caught a clue as to how I was gonna navigate these turbulent waters. Mercifully, she finally did something to snap me out of that daze of disbelief my mind was shrouded in. Just as she finished up the thirty or forty second blurb about do's, dont's, and her vast experience as a travelling dancer thrown in without taking a breath, she walked around the bed, put her foot on the metal folding chair that served as a nightstand, plucked a babywipe out of the economy brand, bulk sized box of several thousand, and proceeded to give her cooch a quick run-through.

Seriously?? Couldn't have done that in the bathroom while you were sniffing your vitamins or whatever the fuck you called it? I almost burst into laughter. I mean, some things are just so pathetically sad they become funny. I can't imagine the rough roads and bad choices that brought that poor girl to where she was, but I was ready to make my part of it as brief as possible.

I took out my wallet, put two Ben Franklins on the dresser. Turned around and walked out the door. After all, in a strange way, she provided the service I was looking for. I was not horny ANY MORE. Couldn't even muster up a do-it-yourself session that afternoon. She crashed my whole spankbank. For a few hours I thought I might be ruined forever. But I'm better now. Healing. Day by day getting stronger. And I'm much wiser. I'll stick to eccie. At least you can read the reviews and have SOME idea of what you're getting into.

Hope y'all got a giggle. But fuck, folks, that kinda shit really ain't funny.��

LEx

[Keyhole Arc Blow]

Originally Posted by LubbockExec

I took out my wallet, put two Ben Franklins on the dresser. Turned around and walked out the door. After all, in a strange way, she provided the service I was looking for. I was not horny ANY MORE. Couldn't even muster up a do-it-yourself session that afternoon. She crashed my whole spankbank. For a few hours I thought I might be ruined forever. But I'm better now. Healing. Day by day getting stronger. And I'm much wiser. I'll stick to eccie. At least you can read the reviews and have SOME idea of what you're getting into.

Hope y'all got a giggle. But fuck, folks, that kinda shit really ain't funny.��

LEx

[westtexasbrowser]

LubbockExec... that was epic. That's the best $200 you've every spent. A lesson like that COULD have cost you THOUSANDS.

[Perfect Playmate]

LubbockExec -
That is terrible!!!! I am sorry you had to go threw that...
I sometimes see girls out or their picture and that right there is
what pops in my mind as to the experience they offer... Now I wouldn't
expect her to actually advertise 200, more along the lines as being happy
to get 40... But ewww and good choice on walking out... Still laughing and
a little nauseous at the wipe part... Its amazing that girls are scared to
shower or just pure lazy...

I know a few ladies who are drop dead gorgeous and they go the wipe route
till its bed time... That absolutely disgusts me... Wash your ass

And I am sure what got that girl there was the medicine she was taking
in the back...

[LubbockExec]

Originally Posted by Perfect Playmate

LubbockExec -
That is terrible!!!! I am sorry you had to go threw that...
I sometimes see girls out or their picture and that right there is
what pops in my mind as to the experience they offer... Now I wouldn't
expect her to actually advertise 200, more along the lines as being happy
to get 40... But ewww and good choice on walking out... Still laughing and
a little nauseous at the wipe part... Its amazing that girls are scared to
shower or just pure lazy...

I know a few ladies who are drop dead gorgeous and they go the wipe route
till its bed time... That absolutely disgusts me... Wash your ass

And I am sure what got that girl there was the medicine she was taking
in the back...

Thanks,Doll. Now you've ruined the hot ones for me too!! Wait. Nah, if she hsd been hot I'm sure I would have found it refreshingly charming that she was so down to earth. Lol

Hopefully eccie will filter most of that nonsense out. I almost quit the hobby before I even got started (still steppin' in shit cuzza that slow learner thing), but so far so good. If I do run into any more of that caliber, I may ditch the hobby altogether. Take up bowlin' or something. Hell, bowling balls got three holes too, and aren't nearly as scary to stick your fingers in.

And yeah, guys, I realize the only post I responded to was the hot chick that commented on my sad,sad story...any wunna ya that says you'd do it differently is a damn liar!!! I mean, look at her...wait. That picture looks familiar. Fuck. You don't have a yippin' little white dog, do ya darlin'? Lmao

Thanks to everyone for the support and condolences. Hopefully I'll never have a reason to post in here again!!!

XoXo
LEx

[john_deere]

sometimes you have to step in bullshit to get to the milk.

[LubbockExec]

Hate to break it to ya JD...but if you're steppin' in bullshit, you're milkin' a bull!!! Upshot is, nobody's gonna fuck with you with 2000 lb bull following you around like a puppy dog...bad news? Don't drink the milk. Lol