This is my first ever attempt at any sort of "stand up" routine, so if it's not funny, just don't say anything.
Refrain from comments such as "you're not funny poindexter", or "you shouldn't have posted that", or "you're retarded".
That's just not cool, being retarded isn't funny...it's a medical condition.
But really, medical conditions...on average...are generally pretty not funny and usually illicit feelings of sympathy.
I mean, people almost never come back from the doctor with good news.
Your best friend will go in for a routine exam and come back with like, triple cancer and gout, or something.
Or, it could be good news...that's really just less shitty news in disguise. Like, you go in thinking you have appendicitis, but really you're just pregnant.
I mean, yeah, you're bringing a whole new life into the world, but your weekends are fuckin shot.
The only medical condition people don't feel sorry for you about is being ugly.
...Like, someone will tell you they just got back from a doctor's appt, and you'll get all concerned and ask them what for.
They say, "plastic surgery consultation", and you think to yourself, "It's about fuckin time".
OR you have individuals who will like, get mad, at you for having plastic surgery done.
They'll start judging you for altering what god gave you, and saying you have a poor self image.
Poor self image? Motherfucker, I care so little about this part of my body, I Cut. It. Off.
But seriously, being ugly isn't so bad.
Granted, you don't get the perks of being attractive. but...peoples' expectations of you when you're ugly are a LOT less.
I mean, you don't really see any handsome school janitors, but you never see them getting in trouble for doing a shitty job either...Do you?
You can just wallow in mediocrity if that's what you want to do, you just can't do the things that make money for attractive people. It's a trade-off, you know?
Though, if I was hot, I'd be a stripper or gigolo.
There's just no ugly-guy way to make money like that.
No one wants to see a skinny white guy up there in his undies, gyrating like some sort of mating stick insect.
And here I usually start thinking about all that existential bullshit, like how maybe it's easier for ugly people to find meaning in life not being held to standards set by society for the more attractive.
How somehow a life of cleaning up shit is more rewarding than making a living getting drunk, fucking, and generally going buck-wild.
...But anyone who thinks that is retarded.
Hard to format something you're thinking about speaking on stage...
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My Bio Page - Texas - Austin
