Dating and The Hobby! Do We Really Know the Difference?

[xperiment]

Originally Posted by Dannie

I never said it was healthy

I wouldn't say it is instinctively work, though. I guess what makes it start to seem like work and not bonding, is when they expect me to 'perform' all the time. Sometimes I enjoy getting a performance as well! When they are aware of my provider history, they expect me to be a fuck-bot, for lack of better term. It makes it hard NOT to view it as work...it is work. And working when you are supposed to be enjoying, is no fun. Make sense?

Actually it does. I think in my position, I wouldn't want a fuck-bot. Wouldn't want them have sex with me just because they knew I wanted it. THEN I would see it as them doing a job and making me feel like a . However would rather have them want to have sex with me for their desire to be intimate with me and their own selfish reasons. Maybe this is the giver in me talking, since I seem to get excited when I know they are as well.

I understand somewhat on the part of where it feels like work and not your enjoyment. As stated before I am more of a giver and get off on my partners enjoyment...usually. I have just recently started dating a lady in RL and she has a hard time getting the O even when playing with herself. However I seem to "work" (although no exchange of $$ of course) to try to get her to that point. Although fun, it can be at times kind of a drag and thus more going through the motions then actual enjoyment.

[Lana Warren]

You bring up a very good point, Dannie! I really didn't view dating as work until you brought this up! Maybe, maybe not.....just not for sure!

My 2 sons thought that maybe I wasn't quite over their dad and maybe they're right because I haven't given anyone a chance unless they kinda looked like my ex! There's only been one other guy that I had an affair with several years ago that I fell in love with and of course, he had the same features as my ex! And what makes matters worse, I just recently found out that he is a hobbyist now! LOL! Anyway, I still tend to go out on dates even though I'm not attracted to them.....that's where my provider mode kicks in! Believe me, I have a great time and enjoy the conversation, but that's as far as I let it go! I just feel the strong need to be nice! LOL! But dammit, I'm tired of being nice.....I ain't getting screwed the right way!

Originally Posted by Dannie

I never said it was healthy

I wouldn't say it is instinctively work, though. I guess what makes it start to seem like work and not bonding, is when they expect me to 'perform' all the time. Sometimes I enjoy getting a performance as well! When they are aware of my provider history, they expect me to be a fuck-bot, for lack of better term. It makes it hard NOT to view it as work...it is work. And working when you are supposed to be enjoying, is no fun. Make sense?

[xperiment]

Originally Posted by lisa.lisa0302

The dating world stinks.

There is a big difference between dating and the hobby. With dating you have sacrifice alot. I like variety and dating does not provide that.

And yes with the hobby its about pleasing the client, along the way you do tend to forget what pleases you....half the time im shocked when people ask what makes me happy.

I'm getting a bit of variety these days in RL. However finding myself a bit guilty at times. When dating in RL, variety and emotional bonding, makes me feel unsettled and start to think of my character less and less. Especially days when I am with one girl one night and sometimes in matter of hours with another. None of my relationships are a comitted relationship but with RL dating variety may just leave to someone getting hurt. The hobby tends to put that aside. I am just waiting for all this to in the .

[Guest082216-1]

Prehaps the Dom/Sub issue is why it worked for me. Had never thought about it in those terms. With a provider, I tend to be a bit submissive. But with a GF, I tend to be more Dom. WIth the provider I dated, I quickly became more Dom and she actualy liked being submissive a lot. As we learned more about what each liked, I was able to be more assertive knowing I would please her by being dom. Interesting thought.

[motor]

Berkleigh,
when you find "the one" you will know. Leaving this "world behind" won't be a second thought.

[happyndallas45]

From this Hobbyist's perspective, I have found it difficult to date while continuing to hobby as dating does require an emotional investment, and one of the reasons I enjoy hobbying is there is no "expectation" of a relationship, no breaking up if you decide to not see someone again, no explaining how you are feeling when you really don't want to, no asking her to leave if you want to sleep, etc. But mainly my experience has taught me about myself is that what I really want in dating is free sex, and until I am ready to give up hobbying, and "grow up" a little, and be with a person during with the good, bad, and ugly, dating is going to have to wait. It's not fair to the woman. I would love to hear the perspective from other singles that both date and hobby.

[Neiman]

Here's an ironic one...... I was living in another city with a pretty active FBSM - L1 scene. I go to see this girl and the session ends up going WAY beyond the norm (in this town L1 is all you get from this type of provider). It was a total GFE and she would not accept a tip saying it wasn't about the money. As you can imagine I left with a big smile and a nice ego boost. Then, two weeks later I'm checking my matches on eHarmony and guess who is one of my matches! Small world! Guess there is something to their matching system :-)

[pmdelites]

Originally Posted by Lana Warren

Well, as most of you know, I'm single and in the dating world! ... it occurred to me that I really wasn't attracted to him! Needless to say, I didn't go through with it! Wanna know why?

It dawned on me that I was in my "Provider" mode!

...

I love being with my hobby gentlemen and I would never try to find real love here, but do any of you ever have a problem with your "hobby" mentality when it comes to dating?

well, if i were to start dating, what would meld over from hobbying and what would influence it would be the ease w/ which one can meet a woman and getting intimate and carnal w/in 30 mins. that and the apparent opening of sexual activity that would only exist in a very few number o fwomen i'd meet. it seems to me that most providers are very open about sexuality and that most women i'd date might not be.

that'd be the most frustrating part.

but, dating someone and finding someone to spend time with now and in the future is beneficial, iff she were the right woman. that's a big IFF.


btw, happy n dallas's comments are spot on fo rme, too.

[Lana Warren]

Maybe I should make myself a little more clear.......I can't seem to date because I feel that I'm always in the "Provider" mode! I don't mean that's it "work", but I just can't seem to let myself go and actually be open to a relationship even though I would love to have one! It seems that I stay in this mode and refuse to let anyone get close to me because of this! Like I said before, I may not be ready just yet......like they say, time heals all wounds!

[Guest082216-1]

Could be your just not ready. Some thoughts though. (What? Bubba has suggestions? Who would have figured?)

If youi don't already do this:

Do all you can to physicaly seperate yourself from the hobby when on a RL date. If you are surrounded by things that you associate with the hobby, you will be influnced by them. Even getting dressed in the same room or the same way you use when you hobby can trigger things.

Different clothes, go some place or do something you have never done as a provider. Eat something you don't normaly have. Change your hair style & makeup. If you tend to be dom in the hobby, make a concerted effort to be more sub on a RL date. If the date goes well and you both want to have sex, don't. Save that for a later date. If you are frisky, make out in the car like teenagers. And so on. If you don't normaly work out much, have a good workout before the date. Anything to make that time different. Dont even talk to another provider about it.

Physicaly and emotionaly seperate yourself as much as possible before the date or being in a non-hobby social event. No providing that day!!! It may take pratice and effort but you may find over time you can more effectivly wall off the provider side of your life.

It cannot be easy doing something so personal and keep it from influncing your non-provider life. Your a wonderfull woman. Good luck to you.

PS: One more question: If you found someone truly special, would you be able to walk away from providing and cut all ties to it for him? If the honest answer is no or even your not sure, then you just may not be ready yet. You may be using the hobby to protect yourself from the dangers and pain of being in a relationship.

[Randy4Candy]

I'll tell ya what, I've been dating in the 50+ range and one would think that ladies who have reached that level of "maturity" might actually have their sh*t together. I think not! I suppose that there may be a reason why they are still single at that age after being divorced/widowed for a few years. Or, it could just be that they enjoy the freedom of being alone and (guys do this, too) get set in their ways. In any case, there's lot of bitter, psycotic lil' darlings out there.

But, enough of my problems, etc., etc. Lana, Dannie and others, who find that the provider mindset or habits or expectations interfere - you might try communicating building resentments before they boil over and if you aren't getting pleased or are not receiving quality attention from the gentleman then you may just have picked wrong. I think that you ladies may also be forgetting that guys past a certain age have diminished dating skills and probably could use a little help. I know that we as men are supposed to be able to read feminine minds, but experience should tell you ladies that we men are so freaking clueless.........LOL! Some things just don't get better with age! But, some people have to have it all about them, some have to have it be all about the other and we all know that there has to be a balance for there to be a chance. If the relationship can't move past the first two, suck it up, pack it in, keep your head up and keep looking.

From the one OTC clock relationship I have had within the hobby, all I can add is that it took a while for the lady to trust me enough to take the gamble and stop using her professional provider ways as a buffer. She was finally able to drop it and things were looking up for us until I realized that there was a chance for a relationship with a civilian with whom I had spent several months trying to sync up with. Well, as usual with me, there were two potentially good situations in front of me and I pciked the one that blew up. I'm afraid now that the provider who finally allowed herself to trust me feels betrayed even though we hadn't formally been in an exclusive relationship. Fu*ked up mess all the way around. Looking back, I think that I was somewhat exhausted by waiting for the last shield to drop. Realistically, no one has a limitless supply of energy and patience and at some point there has to be a willingness to go for it, but later rather than sooner, just not too much later.

I guess the moral to this story is that providers and hobbyists alike may carry additional baggage and, at the very least, the involvement in a sexually oriented environment doesn't help. We all ought to be able to compartmentalize better, if one thinks that is the best coping method, but I tend to agree with previous poster who said that he was the same regardless of a RW or Hobby setting. That's probably the hardest. Lana, we all have little triggers for certain behaviors and learning them and counteracting them isn't easy. But that is well worth the effort if you find yourself in a position where there is potential for a strong relationship. It's obvious I'm not an expert at this but I'm paying attention and trying to learn. Hell, that's all we can hope for and one just has to keep working at it.

[Jaleh]

Good topic Lana...

I often wonder the same thing; I on the other hand don’t date. I don’t have time to between school, nannying and my fun time here.

But I often wonder when I get ready and that times comes when I will want the "real" companionship of an SO, will being in the hobby affect me from obtaining one. It boggles my mind because I’ll be out and if a guy approaches me I’m mostly likely in "provider mode" unless it’s a hot one! Always subtle in my convo, alluring and flirty yet very conservative (I don’t know whom I'm talking to), but unsure as to how to take it to the next level, so I don’t. And that’s because they seek a GF, a SO and I don’t… Been there, done that. Right now I seek the convenient & uncomplicated fun. But with my disinterest in dating, even the hot ones may get "provider mode"... Hmm... Maybe I’m scared to even pursue this so "provider mode" is more convenient for me and what I’m used to. Something for me to think about. I often wonder and have asked many of my friends here about this topic but never seem to come across a good answer.

Maybe if someone just came and swept me off my feet, I'd give it all up for the name of love but I doubt it I'm still having fun. I think if were able to separate ourselves somehow from “this” and protect our feelings, emotions and beliefs inside then maybe when were done doing this our ego, pride, self-esteem, feeling and emotions won’t be so rattled and stirred. You’ll be able to enter my successful relationship. I think it all depends on our attitudes, our outlook, our we live and perceive things and how we deal with our business as well. I don’t know but I wish someone would tell me, shed some light...

Glad someone else feel like this besides me, I was starting to wonder

[am-a-pleaser]

Ladies, sometimes two people find each other who really enjoy pleasing each other BCD. They find they like doing other things together and in the process of those other things, they find their attraction growing.

At times they enjoy each other in "hobby mode". Other times they find themselves enjoying the real person. Dating and the hobby can work out with the right two people. In most of my encounters with the ladies, a time comes when they've found they have slipped out of "hobby mode".

I enjoy time with the person and make most feel at ease so they allow the illusion to depart for a while. It's refreshing when such encounters occur. Providing is only one aspect of a lady. There is so much more to her than that.

I absolutely enjoy when the lady I'm with truly enjoys the sensations she's getting and the feelings she's feeling. I read a lot about her. Reviews, profiles, website, threads --- as much as I can so I can get an idea of what she enjoys. I take that information and try to make our encounter one that's focused on her. I take immense pleasure in her pleasure. I will please her and myself all at the same time. It doesn't always work out like that, but that's my endeavor.

I believe dating is possible. How close you become is like anything else. You have to be open to the idea and realize that some guys are attracted to you because of ALL aspects of your life, the hobby included. Dating does not have to get complicated.

[Garland_Bone]

Originally Posted by Lana Warren

.....I ain't getting screwed the right way!

(getting out pencil & paper...)

What's the right way ?!?

[TheGiftedOne]

Originally Posted by Dannie

I never said it was healthy

I wouldn't say it is instinctively work, though. I guess what makes it start to seem like work and not bonding, is when they expect me to 'perform' all the time. Sometimes I enjoy getting a performance as well! When they are aware of my provider history, they expect me to be a fuck-bot, for lack of better term. It makes it hard NOT to view it as work...it is work. And working when you are supposed to be enjoying, is no fun. Make sense?

There is a tendency for most guys who are aware their girlfriend or wife is/was a provider to expect her to be in "session" mode at any time. The full menu should be available to him because it was with her "clients". Noone can be "on" 24/7.

Dannie, I venture to guess that the reason you do best with "dominant" men is that most men who are dominant tend to be more confident and take charge. They don't take issue with you being a provider or try to "mark their territory" every night. They are not insecure about whether some other guy may have been better in bed, etc. They savor the company of a beautiful woman and don't worry about anyone else.

There is a tendency to get HES (Hobby Expectation Syndrome). This is most prevalent in men as most expect her to be as Dannie said, a "fuckbot". Ladies on the other hand want "anything" BUT sex after working all day. Which one is more unfair? Doesn't really matter....it still has has negative effect. It is more important to be "aware" and do something about it. It is seldom productive to identify a problem unless you are going to make an effort to correct it!

Love can be found in the hobby. It is not a sure thing, but look at the divorce rate in the non-hobby population... However, if you have reached a point where you are happy being by yourself, what the hell is wrong with that?