SO's and The Hobby

[lizshue81]

Originally Posted by RALPHEY BOY

put yourself in his shoes, would you want him going out 3-4 nights a week being wined, dined and blown and banged by businesswomen? You sitting at home wondering what is he really doing?

I would not date an active Provider, to much to worry about to have a successful relationship. Now if I was married 20 years and my wife decided to be a Provider, I probably would not mind it.. let someone else bang her for a while....

That sounds hot as fuck to me. But I'm poly...

[lizshue81]

Originally Posted by BugleBoy

Keep hobby world and real world in separate compartments. Don't mix or allow the streams to cross. How would it have been if he had not known about the hobby work, but just thought you had a real world job with strange hours?? Some providers strictly limit there hours to say, 9-5 so they might maintain some form of a normal work schedule and have a SO who doesn't know about the hobby.

Is it possible for a provider to successfully have SO who doesn't know, and to provide in the hobby at same time?

I would think this would cause more stress for the ladies than it would for the guys, all things equal. Most of us guys in the hobby are just old hound dogs who will chase after the ladies without regard to feelings. Not saying that's right, but it happens.

I would have a hard time being in a serious relationship with someone without being honest with them about being an escort. This is an important part of who I am and aside from needing to be accepted by my partner I feel unethical hiding my sex life from them.

My question is when do you tell them? What if you tell them upfront before you've built up trust and things go badly and they out you- I know girls who've experienced this. What if you wait too long and you're in love and then spring this on them? Seems unfair. I think I would say be honest about it sooner than later.

[Passion2015]

I would not even think about a serious relationship with a provider. I mean really, how serious could that even be?

A provider sleeping with multiple guys daily, weekly or even monthly, would be a serious red flag for me.

Never mix business with pleasure. It never works out. Of course if your a swinger, I could see where you don't really give s damn one way or another.

Just my 2 cents

Just think of taki

[The Infamous One]

I will not be in this business forever. I am very talented and intelligent. I hold several certifications in the medical & legal field, worked in surgery, medical, private investigations and other high powered dangerous positions that are extremely secretive. I lost my way after a tragedy last year and have been trying to put my life back together emotionally and financially after a series of traumatizing events. I had finally found my love & purpose in life & now I can't do it. At least for now. It really messes with me, so a failed relationship was the last straw. I dunno. I am a smart good girl who deserves to have the securities a healthy relationship can offer, yet stll have to climb my way out of a hole & literally start over from scratch with a home, vehicle, clothes.... Everything. But it's okay. It has humbled me so much and given me years of insight & perspective I may have never known. I won't do this forever, but I will not become untrue to myself by changing for someone else's comfort.... Unless he was willing to supplement or help the transmission.

[DNinja69]

Great post. Always interested in hearing about the reality of what we all do, good and bad. Truth is.. relationships end for a lot of reasons. Sometimes we blame ourselves, other times we write it off as them. Something to think about, what if you find the one who can handle it, accepts you for who you are AND what you do. Then when you move on the relationship changes. That could cause issues as well.

Sorry to hear about your lost love. That sucks.

One day you will find someone who can handle it

[Austin Ellen]

You should never change yourself for someone else. You know I'm an old hoogar- Actually, I love this job - but than I've been around a while and you know what - it's not always greener on the other side of the fence. After being in the corporate world for over 20 years and supervising hundreds of people- this is so much better - for me --but that is my truth and you have to find your truth and be true to yourself.

Originally Posted by The Infamous One

I will not be in this business forever. I am very talented and intelligent. I hold several certifications in the medical & legal field, worked in surgery, medical, private investigations and other high powered dangerous positions that are extremely secretive. I lost my way after a tragedy last year and have been trying to put my life back together emotionally and financially after a series of traumatizing events. I had finally found my love & purpose in life & now I can't do it. At least for now. It really messes with me, so a failed relationship was the last straw. I dunno. I am a smart good girl who deserves to have the securities a healthy relationship can offer, yet stll have to climb my way out of a hole & literally start over from scratch with a home, vehicle, clothes.... Everything. But it's okay. It has humbled me so much and given me years of insight & perspective I may have never known. I won't do this forever, but I will not become untrue to myself by changing for someone else's comfort.... Unless he was willing to supplement or help the transmission.

[tzv13]

Originally Posted by Austin Ellen

You should never change yourself for someone else. You know I'm an old hoogar- Actually, I love this job - but than I've been around a while and you know what - it's not always greener on the other side of the fence. After being in the corporate world for over 20 years and supervising hundreds of people- this is so much better - for me --but that is my truth and you have to find your truth and be true to yourself.

+1.

[quzi]

If you can be poly/pan and find that in your SOs, it's a wonderful life. 99% of cis guys can't handle a girl whose a provider. Not sure if it's worth looking for that 1%. Besides, how many guys here are trying to find some kind of relationship that they can't handle? ECCIE is not match.com.

[nothingtolose]

If your ultimate goal is to get out of hobby and have a normal relationship, I'd suggest that you start your own transition.

In Austin, it is not that hard to find a decent job. I have heard Costco pays $15 an hour with benefits.

[kissmytulips]

Sharing my favorite tip for being poly/open/shared: have your own damn living space. All of my poly friends have their own bedrooms, so they truly have a place to belong while their SO has someone over.

[Dev Null]

Reminds me of the plot of Belle de Jour with Catherine Deneuve, which was written to match the stereotypes of 1967 audiences. That may have been 50 years ago, but attitudes change slowly if at all.

Sorry you had to go through that disappointment. Relationships are complicated whether or not any particular aspect of it is stigmatized by society. People change, or maybe they think that they're more accepting than they really are.

And maybe taking time off to reflect is a good survival mechanism for you. Self reflection, self acceptance, self improvement, contentment, being true to yourself - all seem like very healthy responses to a difficult situation.

Don't give up on living your dream. It may be awhile before you feel like jumping back in the saddle again, but you'll never know unless you resume trying at some point. Hang in there, my dear.

[Whispers]

Originally Posted by The Infamous One

.... it wasn't cool for him to act like it was cool up front then change things around,

Sometimes guys think they can handle something only to find out after some time that they cannot.

especially if he didn't plan to help or supplement the income until I found better. He knew what I did when we met & it wasn't an issue. It only became an issue when he started to feel less than for not being able to provide for me if I did quit. I could see how it would mess with a man's ego & pride. He knows I'm putting a child through a good education & trying like hell to give him everything he needs to successed. It's not like I hid it then told him later. Idk. It takes a very secure & unique perspective to be a couple & be involved in any type of sex work.

I think it is weak people that fool themselves into that belief....

We are people who deserve to be happy with a provider lifestyle & not denied love.

Why do you feel that a lifestyle that goes against everything most people believe in when it comes to relationships should be acceptable?

Visa versa. Think I'll just work on self reflection, self improvement & being content & true to myself for now. It's way less complicated!

Less complicated? Sure... Realistic?

You've been asking yourself and others this question for a long time.

I think you really know the answer to it. Until you accept the reality of the issue you remain on a merry go round and the riders might change but the ride is always the same.

You've changed.
Partners have changed.

There is one part of the equation you have not changed.

Good Luck.

[Whispers]

Originally Posted by quzi

ECCIE is not match.com.

Yeah... but.....

There are guys on ECCIE that have nothing in their personal lives due to some character defect in them that keeps them from connecting in life with women considered to be more "acceptable"... They want it.... And they sometimes think they find it here.....

Throw in the lonely ladies incapable of finding that "unicorn" that can accept having a whore for a SO and it happens over and over....

[Little Monster]

If I ever caught one of my girlfriends even flirting with another dude I would bash both their fucken skulls in without even thinking twice about it. So I guess I could never date an active provider.

[Frissionary]

Originally Posted by nothingtolose

If your ultimate goal is to get out of hobby and have a normal relationship, I'd suggest that you start your own transition.

+1. I don't understand why you continue to do this if it keeps you from having what you really want. You mentioned you're talented and smart, which I don't doubt--why not go back to one of the other legit lines of work you mentioned above?