Why do those with wives/S.O.'s hobby?

[Spacemtn]

Originally Posted by Topshelf Tess

To fill a need. Either or both physically and emotionally that isn't available in their "other relationship". Intimacy and a felt connection whether real or imagined is a very powerful motivator.
Tess

Yes!!!

Originally Posted by Devynn von Tease

I have a real hard time with monogomy, too. We are not naturally programmed for it. It's quite the opposite, imo, I believe we are "hard-wired" to "live and procreate". It's also a huge thrill and fuels my fantasies and provides an outlet for them. I also "get off" on indulging others fantasies. Maybe I'm really a man inside-I LOVE POPPING CHERRIES!! Like, with greek, or doubles, or a fetish. I keep my feelings and thinking about this lifestyle light-heartedly and just have fun exploiting my lust and the hedonistic side of me. Sexual healing is good for the mind, body and soul. I think it gets complicated if you analyze too much or over think it.

And Amen!!

Beautiful ladies that are also highly intelligent.....excuse me while I go touch myself!!!!!!!

[Miss Sophie Bella]

I've been watching this thread, as well as another regarding marriage and the hobby, with a lot of interest. I find erotic dynamics incredibly fascinating, especially in the context of long-term partnerships. It's amazing that, though we know at least half of married people admit to infidelity (and there must be many more who don't confess), we still treat it as an anomalous crime. How sharp does the contrast between the reality of our relationships and our cultural expectations have to be before we reassess our ideals?

I have many married clients, and their desire for affection, play, sexual adventure and a "partner in crime" is not a sign of disrespect or disregard for their wives. It's simply an expression of who they are. I have always had a lot of love for people who are brave enough to go after what they want, to make themselves happy. The hobby allows them that without the emotional complications of an affair. I am not arguing that it's a perfect solution or defending its implicit risks, but it's also not an act of cruelty.

When we talk about infidelity as if it were the consummate sin against our partners who believe us to be sexually exclusive with them, we're overlooking a lot. There are so many ways we betray our partners, even the ones we love. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all? It is not my place to rank them, but I do believe things are a lot more complicated.

Dammit, I am totally on board with you when you say that the hobby, and the general need to feel erotically engaged and excited, is not an evolutionary precept. We build intimate, loving, egalitarian relationships because it's what we crave when we're seeking security---the foundation for a life partnership, children, family and home. So why is it even when we're close to and devoted to our beloved, our sexual lives suffer? Desire is all about mystery, distance, the unknown. In our quest for closeness we forget that fire needs air, that space can create heat and intensity. I think the hobby reignites that passion for many people because it is inherently naughty, mysterious and allows us to toy with the unattainable. I don't suggest that any of this is a moral answer to the things you've brought up, but it is a simple explanation of the psychology of P4P, even when people genuinely love their spouses.

All the best. Stay warm tonight.

[TexasTri]

Originally Posted by Topshelf Tess

To fill a need. Either or both physically and emotionally that isn't available in their "other relationship". Intimacy and a felt connection whether real or imagined is a very powerful motivator.
Tess

Ah who are we kidding? It's BECAUSE of Tess that we're here!

[Guest120311-2]

Originally Posted by Deadmeat

Ah who are we kidding? It's BECAUSE of Tess that we're here!

I'm not sure everyone would agree with you on that one. I am but one of the many fine women here that make life more enjoyable for others. And I'm sure most appreciate the the chance to do just that!
Tess

[ANONONE]

Originally Posted by JennsLolli

Why do attractive men who get laid elsewhere with ease hobby?
Why do men with sexual dysfunctions hobby?
Why do men who hobby waste money on strippers who don't put out?
Why do men who are actively cheating still decide to get married?
Why do men cheat?

FANTASTIC POST!!!

Why ask why? It is simple. Because when the little head fills up with blood, the big head is deprived of oxygen and that results in low impulse control.

[muckman]

'Cause we don't get none at home.

[TexasTri]

Originally Posted by Topshelf Tess

I'm not sure everyone would agree with you on that one. I am but one of the many fine women here that make life more enjoyable for others. And I'm sure most appreciate the the chance to do just that!
Tess

I'd just like everone (including Tess) to know that my original reponse was meant both tongue in cheek and solely the views of this hobbyist. Her point regarding many fine women here is echoed. No maliciousness was meant nor intended either directly or indirectly.

We now return to our program.

In all seriousness, I loved Sophie Bella's response regarding the prioritization of inadequacies in a relationship and second her viewpoints.

[Guest120311-2]

Thank goodness! I thought there was a "blue light special" out there somewhere with my name on it and I was gonna be busier than I want to be!

Originally Posted by Miss Sophie Bella

How sharp does the contrast between the reality of our relationships and our cultural expectations have to be before we reassess our ideals?

I have spent many hours pondering the same thing! I wonder how sharp this contrast will be in 50 years? I hope future generations can close this gap somewhat a little at a time. "Teach your children well"!
Sophie great post! Smart is soo sexy!
Tess

[Metal Smith]

Dead on Sophie (I really must make a point of meeting you)
Tess - My first true GFE and so intelligent!
Deadmeat - yes all, so many, so intelligent, soooo sexy!
Each of us has their own perception. Thanks for yours.

[stormking]

Well, I've sorta covered this in another thread, but its probably worth repeating... I hobby to have a sex life. Without the hobby I would either have to go without or I would have to have an affair, which would require emotional and time commitments that would actually reduce contributions to my marriage, family, and home life.

The hobby allows me to express and experience sexuality without much (if any) reduction in non-sexual contributions to the home front.

Really appreciate Sophie's post. I think she's identified an important point about a spectrum or continuum of human behavior towards others. Perhaps there are some true saints out there in the world that behave selflessly always -- but I think most humans are driven by both altruistic and selfish motivations - and their behavior reflects a mix of both of these drivers.

[Risn2TheOccasion]

The same reason I go out to eat.....

[Reincarnated]

As my wife has grown older, she has less desire to have sex so much so she said she could do without it for the rest of her life, and she is only 45! Have a partner that is no affectionate and loathes sex makes me hobby.

[bigmarv]

I've been married twice and never cheated once. I'm 59, divorced and see providers/strippers because it fills the void left by a committed relationship and is a lot less complicated. I know it's all about fantasy and not a real relationship, but it's a lot of fun for the $$$ and works for me.

[dammit]

Interesting responses! Based on them I'm realizing that my life did not fit the *norm* for marriages as my late wife loved sex! And, there is a difference between *making love* and fucking...we had a very active sex life and she loved the swinging part of our life. I guess that is the other difference from the *norm* as we didn't have any hang-ups about sharing each other with singles, couples, or groups for SEX. Which was always followed by a very sensuous session of love-making after they had left our motel room or home.

I guess I can't relate to the other men who not only are not involved with their wives in a swinger setting, aren't even getting any *making love* at home... The only question I would ask for those that talk about their wives not *putting out*, how many actually sat down, discussed it, and reached an agreement that it is ok for the guy to *step out* as long as nothing landed on the matrimonial door step?

[CivilBarrister]

Its kinda easy. Guys want something they aren't getting at home. It could be Sex, it could be PRETEND intimacy, or it could be just wanting to be with someone DIFFERENT.

AND it is cheaper, both financially and emotionally, than having a mistress or getting a divorce.