t's a lonely road
Being an escort is a very lonely way to live.
Surronded by men, but none who really knows you. No one who really cares about you.
Escorts lose their family and friends. We either shock them into leaving us if they find out, or we get caught up in our world of secrets and lies that we slowly block people out, until we realize we are alone. Maybe not physically, but alone.
We cant tell anyone what we do for work. We cant talk about our day, our clients. We cant share the funny or scarey stories with anyone. We cant sit down with our families and talk about how this all makes us feel.
We end up isolated, and there may be people around us, but it is different now because we cant open ourselves up to them anymore. We cant be ourselves, because we are doing something that no one wants to talk about. We cant be ourselves with our clients either. We have to perform a job, and that job is to be sweet and sexy and completely focused on him. Noone wants an angry escort, or one crying because her boyfriend beat her up.
Even after leaving the business, they are our secrets to keep. Our memories, our stories, that we cant share with people we care about.
Its loneliness. It makes you guarded, and cautious. Normal conversations, normal get togethers, become tricky. Lying gets hard, and always having to hide the truth is harder.
I get so many emails from those who have worked, just to tell me a story, just to get something off their chest and feel the relief of having been able to talk to someone. I love that they can write to me. And it breaks my heart because I know how hard it is to live that way.
Of course the main difference is the money.
"Regular" work means knowing that you will work everyday, all day, for less than what you would make in a few hours escorting. Theres just no getting around it. High end escorts earn more than lawyers, doctors, and most middle class.
It takes alot of strength to leave escorting because of the financial reasons.
Alot.
I still struggle with it.
Why? Its not greed, it's because I know I can pull off escorting, and I choose not to, and in doing so, I will continue to be in debt, my children will not have a college fund, Its not that I want to retire by age 35, its that I want the stability and security that came from making huge amounts of money. I want my children to have what they would have if their fathers helped me. And that is not an option working a regular job.
Yes I know it is the right thing to do. Does it make it any easier to know that? Hell no.
The other issue is one that many working girls have related to me via email. We seem to give off some vibe. Maybe it's in our heads, but I don't think it is. There is a tension with the other women. Is it jealousy? Is it that we know we are hiding something and therefore seem guarded/bitchy to the normal women? I don't know.
Then there are the guys.
The guys gawking over you,always staring- like we give off some sex vibe without knowing it. Is it the guilt? Is it knowing how much we could be charging them and they sense the possibility? Again, I don't know what it is, but we as a group feel awkward going back into normal lines of work.
Maybe it is the aftermath of the job. The guilt, the secrecy, the shame. We have such a wall up that it wouldn't be possible to be ourselves with our co-workers.
"What did you do before coming here?" Ummmm I sold myself ...
"Why do you want to work here" I really don't, but its the right thing to do....
"What skills do you think you would bring to this job" You don't want me to answer that....
And then there is the time. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted all day. I worked when I wanted, and had so much free time. Now my days are accounted for. Scheduled. Wake up- get there on time, work until dark, pick up the kids, try to make dinner and say hi to them before bed, clean the house, throw in some laundry, pay some bills. I feel like a robot, just doing what I need to do day after day with no joy. I guess this is what real life is like, but after escorting, it's really hard to adjust to.
There is always the thought in the back of my head that i should just quit, I can go out once a week and earn the same amount. I miss the time I had with my kids. I miss being outside in the sun. I miss theT V. I miss the days. I feel like I was a better mother as an escort- how crazy is that?
But I wasn't. I always had to hide, and lie. And now I can be honest, and proud of what I do. I don't have to like it, I just have to do it. Kinda like escorting, but without all of the dangers of being out there.
Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It is hard and some days i want to quit, but it is worth it. I am safe, and I only have sex with the person I love, and only when i want to. Ill know I'll never be like the other women at the office, but maybe someday i wont feel so alien around them.
Porn
Porn porn porn
It's everywhere, its a HUGE business. And I never really thought about it until I stopped escorting.
I never minded porn, if my boyfriend wanted to watch it, okay. I never liked the hard core stuff, but the regular movies could be a turn on.
Then I became an escort. And sex became a job. And then I could no longer imagine that the people in the porn industry enjoyed their jobs. I couldn't pretend the people on the screen cared about each other.
I've also began to ruin porn for my current boyfriend, so I have to make myself stop talking when he watches it, because there is something still cute about his innocence, his getting turned on by watching it - and I don't want to ruin that for him.
Watching porn does nothing for me now. If anything, it pisses me off.
Now I notice the woman's faces. I used to say to my boyfriend, look at her face, she is not enjoying that- it is fake. Or - Look, she is in pain, look at her face. Maybe that's the problem, guys don't really look at the women's faces. Having been there, I can see it. The empty looks at the camera. The painful winces that flash by. The slight look of resentment towards the men, towards each other.
Porn sucks once you have been bought.
It opens your eyes to things most people don't see, or choose to ignore.
I know why the women are there. They need the money, and now it is out there to be regretted and for the world to see. I cant stand the movies that don't use protection. It is so unsafe, and just so disrespectful to the women. The facial scenes make me extra sick. I feel so bad for those women. So many different people, so many risks involved.
The fake noises, the fake expressions, the weird positions women are squished into for the sake of some man on a couch at home. The multiple men at one time, the backdoor thing- its not fun, it hurts. I have never done either, but I can tell you it hurts. It is all so sad to me now to watch it being done to someone else- and thats not even beginning to address the torture videos out there.
Porn used to be fun to watch, now all i can think is I wish that guy would hurry up so she can be done. I know that is what the woman on the screen is thinking as well. Please please hurry up.
The next time you watch a xxx movie, watch her face. Tell me if you see it now or not.
Someone explain men to me please!
You would think I would get it by now- and I definately understand men alot more now than I did before-
Why why why... what is it with the teen thing?
What is the obsession with sex? I love sex- would i go after a teen boy? NFW -Would I jeapordize a relationship by cheating? Nope - Would I risk STDs and all that other good stuff- no.
What is it? Is it the naughty aspect?- Is it the not getting caught? Is it watching their faces/bodies while they are in the act? Do they feel powerful the more women they have, the younger they are?
Escorting makes you relate to the sex drive, and the empty relationships and the desire aspects, but what drives the recklessness?
I have always been an adamantly opposed to fake breasts.
I don't know why. I had several friends that had gotten them done, and I just could never understand why. Why would you want to do that to yourself? For men? Ugh...
Plus I thought they looked ridiculous,and to go under the knife to get there? Why were all these women trying to look alike? We had enough Barbies roaming around, and I took a stand with Pink, making fun of all the "stupid girls"
Cutting to the chase, I am getting implants next month, thanks to a generous boyfriend obsessed with breasts.
I know, I know but before you send me a million emails trying to change my mind- listen to my reasoning. (Does my reasoning make sense to anyone who hasn't worked in the industry? lol)
Before escorting, I never thought about breast augmentation, it just never occurred to me to do something like that, it seemed absurd. The girls I knew who had it done, frankly, I teased them brutally.
You would think that escorting made me want to get them bigger, but actually the opposite is true. Most men are stereotyped as obsessed with large breasts, and yes there are some, but the truth is, the majority like real. Big, small, squishy or not, they prefer the real you. I was always small. It never affected my work as an escort, in fact I did really really well. I was me, imperfections and all, and I never had any complaints. I wasn't turned away, even though I wasn't the girl in the picture's, and my clients I had independently adored me. They knew who I was, and I had more than enough regulars.
Noone ever said I should get my boobs done
In fact, sometimes when they were complimenting me, or if i was just curious, I would ask, and the answer was 99% no. Some would even say "no please please don't. There are way to many fake girls out there, you are beautiful now" And on and on. And the constant praise and the lifestyle boosted my self esteem ( about my body anyway) and I thought I was hot. Tons of guys always telling you that will convince you. Rich guys, tough guys, sappy guys, they all told me the same thing. I was hot.
Then I stopped escorting. My boyfriend is super sweet, but he is obsessed with big boobs. At first i was like- whatever! look all you want, but after awhile, and without the constant reassurance from everyone else, I started to feel like crap. In his business he has several Huge boobed women that he chose for certain public appearances. He stares at the big boobs everywhere we go. Eventually it got to me.
I went from being the girl everyone wanted to somehow not feeling pretty enough for the one guy i chose to be with. Hmmmmm.... Ive never dated a big boob guy, my ex's all liked other things, and definitely wouldn't stare at other women whatever they liked, so I feel sooo ugly nowadays. It seems that i went from the spotlight- money, gifts, compliments- to the back of a closet surrounded by women my boyfriend would rather have.
Anyway, that's my story. I'm going to meet the surgeon next week. Ill let you know how it goes!
Hopefully who aren't working yet, or who are not too caught up in the lifestyle to get out.
If you need the money, and you can manage to escort, then being a Sugarbaby is a way better option than escorting.
For those that dont understand, a SugarDaddy is usually wealthy, older, and married. They are bored or arrogant, or both, and want to spoil a younger girl. Its basically the same as escorting, only safer.
A sugarbaby spends time with him, sex is usually there, but its also alot about company. They want to be around someone fun and new and interesting. Of course you have to look good, and be sweet.
That said, I think it is a way better option. Morally, its the same as escorting, dont let it get taken to a new level because you get to know each other and start to feel badly for his circumstances, he would be doing it another way if a sugarbaby wasn't around.
A good SugarDaddy will pay you an allowance, usually between 5-10,000 a month, and you agree upon how much time is spent together depending on your schedules. You go shopping, get gifts, have dinners, and of course sex. But its not a meet at a hotel and get it on kind of thing, its like fake dating without any of the emotional crap. Its business.
My sugardaddy is now my long term super fabulous boyfriend. We hit it off right away, and a few months in decided to end our "agreement" and start really dating.
I adore him, and we are very lucky, but I wouldn't go into a SD/SB agreement expecting to end up dating, its not the norm.
Like I said, most of the time they are married.
If you keep it business, it can work really well. You both get what you want and need. There are plenty of SD's out there, so don't settle for the first one you meet with. I interviewed tons of losers before i met a match. You have to connect for it to work out, or your going to go nuts.
It can be alot of fun, but i think the hard part is when feelings come into play, on either side. If it is kept as a business arrangement it is perfect. When one starts to cross the line, it can get sticky. My prior SD was awesome. Mr Satish Reddy He was super rich, cute, and funny. We got along great, even though he was pretty boring and arrogant towards other people, he was different with me. He made me feel like a princess,which was his job, and I helped him have fun and loosen up a little. We had amazing dates, trips, anything I wanted or mentioned he got, we had alot of fun together.
But.... then he started to want more, and I didn't. I liked our arrangement, he wanted more. It made me uncomfortable, because i did care about his feelings, but it just wasn't an option for me, and so when i would meet with him, and he would ask why or talk about different "couple" things, i would get uncomfortable. I couldn't be my happy fun self knowing I was hurting his feelings.
So it had to end.
That's my SD experience, and yes i met alot of losers along the way, the cheap ones, the want unsafe sex ones, the liars. If they mention sex at all, just like with escorting, walk away. The nice guys wont do that. There is a certain behavior that is understood, and if they mention sex just tell them to go find an escort and walk away.
Also, it is business. I would not give out my real name, or anything that could identify me. I just wouldnt do it. If he is buying a plane ticket, have him send you the money and you book it. Always keep in mind, this is not really dating, its business. There is a wife somewhere that probably wouldn't be too nice if she found out. There are guys who can be really nice, but flip when they get angry. Always stay safe, and if you have to consider escorting, i would think about finding a SD instead.
There are lots of websites set up just for this, just google sugardaddy, or email me and i can send you some.
* Oh- and not to leave out the guys completely, be careful when choosing a SB, my boyfriend has some not so funny stories about the girls before me
'
Bad dates- Naked in the halls and the crack smoker
I thought id share a couple of bad date memories that come to mind. I may have mentioned some of them in previously, if so I'm sorry.
I had a two girl show with my friend at a very nice hotel. I think this was either the second or third time I went out with her. So i was still clueless. We went in and met the guy, who was very nice. He said I could stay (of course). He was married, traveling on business, the usual. We smalled talked him for awhile and pretended to drink his Beer, than proceeded to play a little. My friend and I were now in almost nothing. She batted her eyes and said "Aren't you gonna take a shower for us?" which was odd, but he did. As soon as he shut the bathroom door, she grabbed everything she could and just said "Run!"
I was like WTF?! Now I'm almost naked running after her in the hall of a 5 star hotel in Mg Road . She was cracking up, I was scared to death. She ran to the nearest stairwell and tossed me my clothes, dressing as she went down the stairs. I just kept saying we should go back, hes gonna kill us, hes gonna come after us- but she wasn't worried. She called the driver as we ran down the stairs and he was at the door when we came out- still shoeless.
She thought it was the funniest thing ever. I was pissed. I was embarrassed, scared, and her reason was she was bored and wanted to get out of there. I felt bad for the guy, she had taken his wallet and cell phone,and he was traveling.
Looking back it is kind of funny now, but at the time i could've killed her.
The crack guy
This one is not so funny.
I had gone on a call alone, no driver, with the agency. As soon as i pulled up to the house i had a bad vibe, but I trusted the new agency i was with. The guy didn't answer his phone, so i had to try and knock on the door, except he had a very tall fence and the handle was rusted so it was very hard to open. I couldn't do it. He came out and let me in.
When i went in, the house was gross. Not bachelor unclean gross, more like, something is not right gross. We small talked a bit and he asked if we could go for a walk to the beach, he lived next to the ocean. I said yes, thinking it would pass the hour faster, but as soon as we started i got a really bad vibe, the hair on my neck was standing up, and my head was yelling not to go, and so i told him it was too cold. He was acting strange, not nervous like a newbie, but nervous like he was trying to get away with something. We went back into the house, and usually there was a very basic order of things, small talk, money, go change and check in, and then whatever. But he wouldn't shut up, he was going a mile a minute.
So when i missed my check in call with the agency she called of course. She said to call back after i was settled. Again, i couldn't because he was pacing and talking nonstop. I tried to go use the bathroom to call the agency, but there was no door on the bathroom, in fact, there were no doors at all, only to come in. I was screwed. He lights up a crack pipe looking like thing. I don't do drugs, but this was something that i had seen in movies or on cops, and it stunk, and i was freaked.
I had met guys with drugs alot, and i never liked those conditions, but usually they were older businessmen who offered a line that i declined and never saw, this was different.
I told him i had to call in, so he wouldn't freak if he saw me on the phone. I whispered to the agency to get me out of there, because he was smoking crack. I was afraid either he would flip, or that i would get high off of the fumes (if that's possible)
She said to make the best of it, there was nothing she could do. What? WTF am i giving you half of my money for then? The other agencies always tried something to help, but she was like- sorry, your on your own.
And so i brainstormed while this crackhead paced around talking in riddles blaring porn on his tv, looking at me like he just got out of prison and telling me all the nasty things he plans to do to me.
There is no backdoor. Theres only the gate. The mind goes into survival mode, and no i wasnt in immediate danger, but i certainly wasnt going to wait around for him to do any of the things he was talking about.
I told him I needed to get an outfit out of my car. I told him how much fun we were going to have and he better be ready and blah blah blah, and i calmly smiled and walked out slowly, and i fought that fence latch as hard as i could,and when i got to the car i was shaking so hard i could hardly get the key in. I thought for sure he would jump in a car and follow me, shoot at me, something. But he didnt. I got out.
I did cave and go a few months ago- and I quit.
Let me explain why.....
I decided to go see someone because i was going mental, wanting to work, knowing it was a bad choice, blah blah blah....
And so i found someone who had experience working with girls like me, she was very well trained. She was an older woman, very kind, she made me feel very comfortable.
Well, as comfortable as I could possibly get in that situation I suppose.
The first couple of times i met with her were fine, very casual. I hated knowing she was just letting me warm up, i hate the obvious, if that makes sense to anyone. I could see and tell what she was doing and why.
Then she began to inquire about my past. My insane family, my absent father, my childhood rapist, why i cut ties with everyone related to me. Then relationships, the abuse, the one who left me pregnant. I answered all of her questions. The issue was that I was too matter of fact for her liking. She said I seemed void of emotion, discussing such "tragedies". Well, okay but thats me, its in the past, I dont see any point in crying and feeling like crap now, what good does that do?
She said i was a boiling pot with the cover on, and eventually the emotions would boil.
Okay, i can see the analogy, but I thought it was lame. I told her i preferred not to dwell on my past, i see no good that can come of it. I live in the present.
So she agreed to put the past off for awhile. We began to talk about my current boyfriend. She did not like him, well not so much him as "us". I guess because i had met him as a sugar daddy, and he wasnt yet divorced, she just didnt think it was good. I tried to make her understand that it was because of him that i had quit escorting, and that i loved him very much and all was good, but she didnt buy it.
She thought he was controlling, based on our situation, and she said we dont do what normal couples do ( talk about kids, marriage, joint money stuff- that kind of thing) She said we were very seperate people, more like roomates. I could see why, but he is everything to me, so i really didnt want to hear it.
I just wanted her to tell me if i should go back to escorting or not.
But she wouldnt.
She told me my childhood rape had set me on a course to escorting and empty relationships. She said until i let out all the grossness of my childhood that i would stay on the path.
This was bullshit- I do not like being labeled and on a path, yes my relationships have sucked, but the escorting wasnt always there, it was a last resort.
I finally just stopped showing up. I felt really bad, i wanted to go, but i didnt want to hear anymore about my boyfriend, or my past. I just wanted her to say it was morally okay to work if i had to, and she refused to say one way or the other. She said she legally couldnt. That was a cop out to me.
It was freeing to be able to talk about escorting with someone who seemed to understand while I could. She didnt look at me with judgement, or lecture me. She said she was proud of me for being so strong. She said she had never met anyone who had been through as much as I had, who could still sit calmly and smile. She was dumbfounded she said, with how i kept myself together. Her amazement at my personality was flattering at first. I was proud- I said damn! Thats right, look at me and what ive been through and I overcame, but that lasted about 5 minutes, and while i was driving home, i started to feel bad. I started to think of how unfair life has been, and what i have been through is horrible, and maybe im not as composed as I want to pretend i am.
I think thats where she was trying to get me to go- Maybe i shouldnt have quit. Now i just have to wonder *smile*
She always said if she writes a book she would have to include my story, lets see, maybe she will write the ending for me.
b have had extremely poor choices in men in the past, I fully admit that.
I am in a relationship now, but that's what this post is about. ( Ill write about him when i can confirm he hasn't found this Site yet)
I wanted to share with you the story of getting involved with the wrong person in this business, and the devastation that followed.
He came in as a client. He was cute and charming, but so were alot of them and i didn't think much about it. I was all set with men and dating anyway, I liked being single and wasn't looking to change that.
Anyway, he comes in again and makes a big fuss about how he couldn't wait to come back and how much he liked me and on and on. He showed me pictures of his kids, and told me his was in the military. For some reason, my friend liked him. Her number one rule was never never date a client. you just didn't do it, but she persuaded us to hang out sometime.
Now there had been much nicer, much richer, much better men that had asked me out, and it was always just "No" -so why i was dumb enough this night is one of those things ill never figure out. His persistence, her encouragement, and i guess my low self esteem and isolation was the mixture that let him into my world.
Huge mistake.
A few weeks in he quits his job. My friend then let him play bodyguard for awhile, but she feels something is not right about him. The other bodyguard agrees. They eventually banned him, and a few weeks later my friend and i had a fight, and I cut ties with her.
Now it was just him and I. It was strange, but it seemed to work. He would drive and protect me, i would pay him. We were dating, so it was strange to me that he was okay with this, but he was. Over time I learned the darker side. He wasn't just helping me, he was obsessed with the lifestyle.
He convinced me to close my business. I was so tired at that point, I was never sleeping, working crazy hours, and he was the only person i talked to, and so i agreed. He pointed out that I can make in a day what I made in a week of business. Yes he was right, but that was mistake #1.
Once I closed the business, he wanted me to work more. When i was tired and didn't feel like it, he would talk me into it. He would do all the driving and safety he said, all i had to do was the show. Easier said than done.
I ended up having to move, and had been planning for years to move across the country. I had always wanted to move there and here he was willing to go with me. It seemed like a good idea.
Once we moved, .I never considered him a pimp at the time, and in a way he wasn't, but he was as close as you could get. He went from saying i should work more- to you have too -we need the money. He loved having me as a trophy and I always had to look perfect, even when i wasn't working.
He became obsessed with sex, he always was, but i saw it clearly now. He wanted monitors so he could listen in to the sessions. He said it turned him on. He would ask graphic details, always wanting to know more. He fantasized about men being rough with me, and he told me how much he liked to imagine this or that and wanted to be able to hear it. I was disgusted, and scared. Even my clients who knew i had a boyfriend couln't imagine how he could let me do that kind of work, if they only knew. He wanted sex before and after each client. He always wanted sex, and i would give in because he was so overpowering. He would insist until I gave in, or start a fight, and he would always make it clear that he would tell the kids what i was doing during a fight, so as strong minded as i was- he had me where he wanted me.
He masturbated listening to sessions- It was gross. Then came the party . He insisted that I accompany him because single guys couldn't get in alone. I went but i hated it. So he would go in and do whatever with whomever, i was the ice princess who made it very clear that if anyone touched me I would freak.
I didn't think it could get much worse. He was fiercely jealous of my upscale clients. He would prefer that I see 5 "normal priced" clients instead of select wealthy ones that he decided payed too much attention to me. He was obsessive, never more than a few feet away from me except when i was working. He would literally even stand outside the bathroom at home. When we argued he would threaten to kill me, or tell everyone what I was doing. He knew I needed him, for help, for protection, and he used that to get what he wanted- money, clothes, whatever he wanted he got.
I was stuck- with no family to call, no friends nearby, and across the country from anything i knew. I needed help, and so i called an old friend who convinced me i had to leave him, and she sent her male friend down to help that happen.
I thought it would be okay once he was gone. I imagined my children and I in this beautiful place, restarting my business and leaving escorting. I had several upscale clients that I had confided in, and they offered to help financially, so that I could return to normal. This was my lifelong dream, I had worked for years to get to this location, and I had found the perfect house, the perfect community.
And then the consequences of meeting him came flooding in. Once I ended it with him, the war was on in his eyes. Ultimately I lost my home, my children, had to move back across the country to get them back. He broke into my bank account and stole a ton of money. He cancelled my flights back and forth.
He called everyone I had ever know and told them what i did, and where I was. He also told me not to sleep, because he would always find me. He would call and tell me what pajamas i had been wearing so I would know he had been outside the windows. It was just insane.
He told the childrens fathers what i was doing-and then lied to make it all seem horrible.They took me to court and ordered to move back.
I was later told that his plan was to remove the kids, and he would have me to himself. I would never, ever choose a man over my children. I had to pack as much of my things as i could, to move back and regain custody of my children.
I believe that whatever piece of soul I had left was killed that day . I flew back to my dream home and just collapsed. I remember I just crumpled into a ball and sobbed harder than i ever knew possible. Everything i had worked for, everything i had done, it all hit me. My friend carried me into the house, where I lay sobbing for two days while they packed my things into a uhaul. I could not cry hard enough it seemed to ease the hurt. Then they picked me back up and put me on a plane to return home.
I had nothing. I had no home, no kids, and a INR 300,000 legal battle ahead to get them back.
Pretty glamorous huh?
I also didn't have a job, and so guess where I had to go, completely alone now.
I don't write IN this Site to play victim, or somehow justify my choices to myself, i write this in the hopes that ONE PERSON may read this and get out, or never start this kind of work. Its not worth it.
Ambika and I live in Ulsoor and I am part of the core team at Bangalore Girl Friend Experience
I am part of the core team at Bangalore Girl Friend Experience
