Living a Double Life

[samantha thom]

Anyone else struggling at times living a double life, or is it just me? I am somewhat under the radar. I don't post much or advertise much. I do not have any friends who are providers. My friends, family, colleagues, boyfriend have NO CLUE what I do.
I find myself struggling sometimes lying to people. Making up stories to tell him if I have an evening outcall. I hate it when friends ask me: "So, how was your day today? How was work?". I don't have any close girl friends anymore.
I cannot get too close to whoever I am dating. This is very hard for me since I am such a hopeless romantic. On the other hand, I LOVE my independence, financial independence, I love this 'second job' I have! There is no way I will quit this. Everytime I get closer to someone, they start to fall in love and want to spend a lot of time with me and get a little needy...that's when it's time I push him away. It's a vicious cycle!
I know it's probably best not to be in a relationship at all, huh?
Samantha

[GreatLife]

Sounds like you need me... I'll be there when you want and gone when you don't!

[Guest091314]

A double life can be physically and mentally draining, I struggled with this for a long time. I have found that if you have at least one good friend in the hobby, you have someone to vent to and just tell anything to. When you build it up, it gets to be a bigger burden.

[hd]

Hi Sam, yes, I think you like this life more than commiting to something else, at least at this time. Same for the rest of us. When you're at a point questioning your choices and wanting something different, it will be easy to make that change in your life. You're just not ready now. This is just a phase like the rest of us are going thru, and whenever it runs its course, we're on to the next part of our life. It doesn't sound like you're struggling with feelings or emotions, just keeping your private life balanced with what we would call a normal life. I have the same problem making secret time to hobby. Sam, stay cautious as you always do.
Later hd

[Shiloh Stevens]

Samantha...great topic to address. I feel that there isn't enough support for the female who is not open about her profession with family or friends. The other day I tweeted..."Is there an AA for escorts? A place where we can sit together and vent?" lol

I too love what I do, the financial independence, etc. And I also agree with Alecia that having at least one person who you can trust can alleviate the anxiety/loneliness, etc that comes with this world.

I am also quiet about what I do for a living. What I have found that works for me is to maintain a healthier perspective about my world. I say to myself:

1. I'm taking a break from being involved in deep relationships.
2. This allows me to "date" a variety of men who will give me more clarity about what I want in my future partner.
3. I love how I feel when I am with certain clients who enhance who I am as a person.
4. I help this world be a little bit better with the love that I send out. lol
5. I have the freedom to create a lifestyle that will allow me to vacation when I want, and take on other activities.

At the end of the day, we give so much more than we receive emotionally. Before going to bed I think...thank you, thank you for all the good that comes from my profession. And I try to remember to be extra good to myself.

Much love to you and your hard work. I am sure you are loved by the many whose lives you've touched.

[ithyphallicus]

I'm totally amazed that you could be in a relationship in this line of work. I think it would be hard enough if your SO was aware of what you do and you could at least not have to lie about it.

I can only imagine how guilty you must feel pretty much all of the time. I'm not trying to be judgmental, I just now how I think I would feel having to hide a substantial part of my life all of the time, not to mention all of the close calls and excuses I would have to come up with.

Obviously it's had an impact on you or you wouldn't have made your post. Good luck!

[Sir Lancehernot]

The women I have known who weren't in relationships have been able, relatively easily, to keep their source of income from those they didn't want to know.

The ones who were in relationships fall into two categories: either their SOs knew, or they didn't. Without exception, those who have tried to keep it a secret from their SOs have failed. Some of the results have been predictable -- the end of the relationship, for example. Others not so much -- the fiance telling parents, friends, and employers and the subsequent chilling effect on those relationships.

And that came after all the guilt of leading the double life and the stress of trying to hide it, which they had be able to hide from many clients, but not from those who got closer to them.

I'll not suggest one course of action over another, but I will say that I do not think it is possible to maintain a serious long-term relationship with someone who does not know you're providing, and what happens when he finds out can have long-lasting repercussions.

[TheWanderer]

It's hard for men too. It's not exactly mentally healthy to lead a secret lifestyle.
I'm not married, so I don't have near the cluster and carefully executed cover-ups of someone that is married or in an involved relationship. I don't see how they even do it. However, I still cannot share this aspect of my life with neighbors, business associates or most of my friends. That would not be beneficial for me at all.
Watched a program on TV the other day, one of those programs on the ID Network about a lady who was convicted of murder and was serving a life sentence. She said "It's our secrets that condemn and destroy us."
She had been in a relationship with a married man which led to murder on her part as she allowed him to distort her mind and it led to her committing murder for him. She kept that relationship secret from her friends and had she shared it with even one, she might not be where she is today.
I've thought about that a lot lately.
You can either compartmentalize this aspect of your life or create different mental perspectives and outlooks that paint it up as rosey.
If you do the first one, you are behaving like a sociopath, if you do the 2nd one, you are living in a fantasy world.
I'm not sure what the solution is, I'm still looking for it myself.

[Randy4Candy]

Values vs Desires
Ideals vs Pragmatism
Aspirations vs Acceptance

Birds of a Feather Flock Together, or so they say - as well as It Ain't Easy Being Easy...and other little aphorisms. But the most appropriate one is probably You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.

We are shaped by every decision we make, every path we take and all of the experiences encountered and endured. Longfellow, I think, said "the child is father (mother) to the man (woman)" and that keeps on keeping on throughout life.

Your concerns speak to the fact that many ladies in this business are quite lonely, isolated perhaps, due to the pressures and pitfalls you outlined. Actually, the group of prividers plus some who are former members (providers emeritus) are probably the only ones who hold the key to easing some of the real burdens and oppressiveness that often accompany a provider's lifestyle choice. Unless one is a loner by nature I would think it extremely hard to cope at times. It seems to me that the company (and the "venting" to) of others in the same boat is about the only "safe" way to find understanding and some amount of commiseration.

Decide what your goals are. If it is almost total independence, then be willing to do what it takes to achieve that - that goal doesn't lend itself easily, if at all, to the real intimacy and interdependence a strong interpersonal relationship requires. Also, it's hard to see where you are going if you are looking back.

One can't be half-pregnant. Trying to straddle a fence is twice the work of selecting a program and working it. Be advised that whatever you do will, barring some probably traumatic epiphany, make you what you will be. So, I guess, the real question is who, not what, do you want to be? The "what" will come out of the "who."

Hmmm, I suppose I'm not giving a lot of "love" here. Unfortunately, the world is a hard, cold place which is made up of largely selfish people so why on earth would anyone want to waste their time seeking out the ones who aren't? Or is it?

[durango95]

Just my 2 cents on this subject as I was involved with a provider for about two years. We all want someone thats special in our lives, special as in a friend first. A friend will come out in the middle of a thunder storm and change your flat tire, thats a good friend. You have to be able to relax, have fun, and leave the drama behind. Work is work, yes being a provider is a bit of different kind of work so both people have to be very mature and open minded.

Both people have to be accepting of the other's private down time and work time. I get called out to certain parts of the country sometimes the night before. I dont hesitate to go about anywhere for my clients. I put the dogs in the kennel and leave. Much like if a provider gets a call and its one of her regulars and she has to make money just like me.

I can only suggest to the ladies that want a strong understanding man to start out as friends. Go do stuff, it does not have to be fancy. Go to the zoo, The House of Blues in Dallas is always a fun evening, enjoy a nice dinner out, get dressed up, go to a comedy club or a walk in the park, every day stuff. Also I suggest a bit older guy, older guys are usually more secure in themselves, they also drive nicer cars, will take you to better restaurants and can usually purchase better tickets for concerts. And older guys need more sleep and rest so they wont be clingy or bothering you as much.

But the main thing is to always be honest. If your SO is truly your friend and partner you can discuss about anything. I will also say I leave my work where it belongs at the end of the day. I dont like discussing my work with anyone, my work is tough, stressful and demanding so why would I want to talk about it.

Again just my 2 cents, enjoy life its too short to be unhappy.

[London Rayne]

I struggle with it every day, but not with another...within myself.

[Laura Lynn]

Its very hard. I hate lying to everyone I know. And to start a relationship that is built on lies and infidelity from the start has me at my wits end. I have one person that I vent to....and probably rely too much on as my sounding board.

[hd]

Good points durango95, we all can be/have friends within this hobby bizz, but it's still sex oriented and more than likely to cause problems. I've seen Sam a few times and know a little about her, she is intelligent and has her head on straight, and I'd like to be her friend, but knowing she hobbies will influence my interactions with her. Even if I didn't know what she does, if this hot looking single woman next door ask for help to fix the sink, I would have fantasies flowing thru my brain while I was on the floor under the sink. It's just natural.

Now if she needs a friend to confide in, I think she needs two, one from the hobby that understands this bizz and the related problems, and one out of it to discuss personal, family, ect. problems. Have to keep it separate.

maybe my thinking is totally fucked, but thats' what I think.

[Guest091314]

I have one close friend outside the hobby who I just lightly go over things with but of coarse not in detail unless I need a serious opinion. If it was not for the ladies I might have gone crazy about now...

[durango95]

HD Not fucked up at all.

I think we all have to be more tolerant of those people around us, just show some respect and it comes back to you. I am truly an old hippie in disguise, some of the ladies know just how much of an old hippie I am. The point about being an old hippie is having a live and let live attitude. I dont want people judging me and I dont want to judge them. Now I may not want to be around someone because of their view points and attitiudes, but thats cool too, we all make choices in this world. And there is only one being that I know I have to face for those choices.