Friendships and the hobby

[berkleigh]

Originally Posted by M A X

It would be very easy to become friends with almost everyone who has walked through my door. However, while we all need friends, we all also have needs which brought us to the hobby. The women have a need for money to support themselves and the men have a need for intimate contact of some sort. My friends/benefactors/clients don't ask for, nor have they led me to believe, that they would want "freebies" just because we are also able to connect in a non-BCD manner.

Someone said in an earlier post that friends don't charge friends for sex. Let's think about that a minute. hmmmm I say a friend would not take advantage of a friend or test a friendship in such a manner. While I would almost always spend more time with those I feel a connection with, I would not take advantage of the fact that I asked them to stay longer if they can or tell them I'd like that they keep in touch.

Here's a poem I read years ago that hits on different types of friendship/relationships. It seems to ring true for me:

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

I've been watching this thread for a week now.

Thinking about the people I have met over the last 6 years in the Hobby.

For the most part, I can honestly say that I am blessed to have met certain people who are open-minded as I and understand one another, in this Fantasy World.

Happy to share the same interests and to be able to connect without being judged.
I am proud to say there are a handful of Ladies and Gentlemen here in this community, that I consider good friends.

Some of those include relationships and friendships I value outside the hobby in my person life.
But...I have also encountered some individuals whom I wish I would have never met.

This is a Cut - Throat business to TRUST and get "personal" with anyone.
Very difficult to just put your feelings out there because some people take advantage.
I am very careful about who I let in.




Years ago, I met a woman @ a "Luncheon".
I knew of her from the other board but didn't really associate w/others much back then.
She and I, and another Provider as well as a former Hobbyist, became very close.
We connected only a level outside of the Hobby.
She and I spent hours and sometimes days together and countless hours just talking.
We understood eachother completely and Our Personal Life was very similiar.
I can honestly say, that being 33 years old, she was hands down one of the best friends I have ever had.
She was my backbone and always there when I needed someone.
Hell, I half ass felt married to her. LOL
Just like Life happens, she and I started to go into different directions about this time last year.
We tried to get back on the path we were but things were changing.
We were growing apart. Horrible things were happening.

Some know the rest of this story...

I will forever carry the burden of turning my back on her or not being the friend she needed me to be.

Life Lesson learned for sure.

Losing a friend, a best friend, will sure make you look at yourself and Life.

But, Everyday, I am reminded of this Beautiful Woman that entered my Life years ago. She served a purpose and I am thankful to "The Hobby" or else I probably would have not met her.

I try not to dwell on what I didn't do as a friend or how I could have saved her, instead, I am constantly reminising over past memories and really am blessed to have known such a wonderful person.

Missing her dearly


Thank You Reese for this Thread

[Duke]

Berkleigh,

Thank you for your touching message above. While we have not met BCD, I have read a number of your posts in the past. I understand there is a real world and the world of the hobby. But both participants are real people too. It is important that we remember that.

Thank you for letting the wonderful and growing woman come through in your last post. Sorry for your lost of the friend. While I don't know who it was, I can feel your real feelings.

All the best,

Duke

[Guest062124]

Berk,

Thank you for your touching post. I know your loss will be a huge hurt for many years to come with you. She was a sweet girl and such a great heart. All you can do is what you are doing, keeping the good memories fresh and alive in your heart.

This is more of a reason than ever that we should always be sure to let those we love, know it, everyday. You never know when circumstances will change your future forever.


Trust is such a hard thing to give, especially in a place where you only know the person for hours at a time. I am glad that I have found a few true friends that I trust completely. I know I can tell them anything without fear of it being spread all over the community or town..lol. I know I can cry and I can vent without any reprimand (unless of course, I deserve it). It is hard to find people who love and care about you enough, to be there no matter what. I am so blessed to have found you guys and ladies here. When I can't even go to my own family in situations that have devastated me, emotionally, financially and physically, I know I can come to my friends, that are so judged by the outside world, and they will have my back.

[MaxiMilyen]

Berkleigh,

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem and I'm sorry for your loss. Hold onto your memories and shared experiences. There are those who will come into your life still, who have the potential to affect you just as deeply as she did. When ya least expect it....:-).

[Guest100811]

Hey Reese, great post.

I think I have an answer for you, but it's not as simple as say : 42. So please bear with me here, going to say a few things, then try to tie them together as an answer.

First, a story about my daughter. A while back she was very depressed, she felt she wasn't accepted in school, she desperately wanted to be accepted. How she explained what she was feeling really brought back memories. My school years were much of the same. The desire to be accepted, the yearning to have others want you to be their friend. I told my daughter that I wish I could go back in time, and live through the years she is going through, with what I know now. What I now know (for decades <grin>) is that I like who I am. I am very smart. I have a lot of great skills, I am very good at what I do, and most importantly, I like who I am. If people don't want to accept you for who YOU are, then that is just there loss.

Second, i am a computer geek. It wasn't my first occupation, i am just very good with them. This may sound like a wierd analogy, but being a computer geek is a lot like being an attractive woman, or a provider. When people find out you are a computer geek, you get a mix of reactions to that. Some people just get to know you, and being good with comptuers is just a part of what they know about you. If/when these people are in need of computer help, they either want to offer something for your help (like dinner, or drinks), or they don't ask, because they don't want to seem like a burden. Then you have those that only know you because you are good at computers, and they ask for help. Sometimes they just need a little help, and that's it, so it's just paying it forward. Sometimes, they keep coming back for help, and if you aren't careful, you become their speed dial call for any computer problem, with no regard for your time or life, and they just expect that since you are nice guy, you don't mind at all. Then the last group, those that you wouldn't want to be stuck in a room with for more then a few minutes in a life time. These people get my full hourly rate up front, if they want to pay me for my time, great, otherwise, call a helpdesk.

Third, gender imbalance. We're two genders of the same species. But there are MANY factors that have caused severe imbalances between the genders. An example, why is a guy in high school considered a stud if he sleeps with several girls, yet a girl that sleeps with several guys is a slut. Our sexuality should be just as natural as our breathing. it is just as much a part of us as our blood type.

Fourth, money. The root of all evil, lol. What is a dollar? Is it a peice of rag paper, or does it have an intrinsic value? the reality is that money is a stage in the evolution of trade. The actual value of money is based totally on perception. How many people buy bottled water? Some brands of water are literally no different then what comes out of your tap. You pay pennies per gallon for tap water, but people will spend a dollar or two on a liter of water. Perception. (obviously there are other factors, I've bought bottled water just because that is what I wanted to drink at the time). Heck, a bottle of water at a movie theater is $4.75!

So let's tie this all together. Your question was two fold, why would a guy walk away from a lady friend and how do 'we' feel about it. The answer to the first part is VERY simple. There are a few reasons a guy will stop communicating with a woman. First, he isn't getting what he wanted. We'll call this Group A. Second, change in life circumstances. We'll call this group B. And finally, the friendship is out of balance, we'll call this group C.

So, group A, sorry to say, but from what I have seen/heard/experienced, this is probably going to cover about 90% of the clients a provider will see. any form of friendship is a method (and a lame one if you ask me) of trying to get something at a cheaper rate, or free. It would be like someone getting to know me, and acting like my friend, just to get computer help for free when they need it.

Group B. Anyone could fall into this. What is the percentage of clients who are in a relationship already? From all of my queries into the subject, it borders on 99%. Well, when a SO finds out, most men won't confront THEMSELVES and question WHY they were with someone that they had to hide a part of themselves from. But there are also just life circumstances, job relocation, life emergency, etc.

Group C. I personally have fallen into this category myself. Where I begin to feel like a sugar daddy. Where I don't get a 'hey, how ya doing' once in a while, instead, the only times I hear from this 'friend, soon to be ex-friend' is when they need something.

So, how do we feel? Well I doubt group A feels much of anything. Group B.... ummm, this is a toss up. Could feel bad, could not feel anything, and anything in between.

Group C, well, I can tell you, even when I stop talking to someone I considered a friend, i still think about them, i still hope they do ok, but there comes a point where you have to respect yourself, and not allow yourself to get walked on.

Long response, I know. Hope it sheds some light on what you were questioning....

--Wolf

[Roman Polanski]

Provider/customer friendships are fantastic. Conversation, companionship are great. Dining,shopping are also good. Just be able to separate business from friendship, from boyfriend/girlfriend. Friendship with a provider is not free sex. This is my observation. Boyfriend/ girlfriend is a different animal entirely.

[Guest062124]

Cryingwolf,

Thank you for your insightful post and taking the time to post it. I had to read it a few times to take it all in and you made some great points. Consider the light shed

[Guest100811]

Glad you understood, after re-reading my post, I realized I missed a part. My cat was pestering me, and I was sleepy! LOL.

The part I missed in my post, to tie in the four points. (Self worth/external approval, professional skills, gender imbalance, and money). I hope I don’t step on too many toes with this…. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual. In general, most religions have some sort of truth(s), mixed with various mumbo jumbo. The truth(s) lend credence to the mumbo jumbo, and often, the mumbo jumbo distracts from the truth.

Personally, I do not believe Jesus was any more or less a deity then any of us. I feel what the bible writes about his teachings, however, were dead on if you listen to what he had to say…. Love others as you want to be loved yourself…. And a deeper truth in that is if you cannot love yourself, then how can you expect to love others. If you don’t love yourself, then you will try to fill that whole by trying to ‘take’ the love of others, instead of having a balance flow of peaceful loving energy… (point 1), don’t judge others, lest you be judged yourself…. AND, we all have a role to play in this life, a piece in the puzzle. Is the soldier evil, for deaths he/she caused? Is a doctor a saint for the lives he/she saves? We all have skills and attributes that contribute to society in one way or another. And you would be hard pressed to find a single occupation that SOMEONE hasn’t complained about, or been prejudiced against…. But, back to Jesus taught… it’s not our occupation that matters, it’s how we live our life, and if we do it from our heart and soul. (point 2) I could write a novel or two as to the patriarchal tendencies of Christianity, but I truly believe the lessons Jesus taught had nothing to do with one gender being dominant or ‘better’ then the other. Just like point 2, we all contribute to a natural balance… (point 3), and finally, in his words “give unto ceasar, that which is ceasar’s”. This was in response to some detractors trying to trap him into either going against the ruling state’s ‘will’, or to anger his followers by supporting taxes. While it was a clever response, it can lead you down the path to Buddha’s teachings. Buddha taught that it’s more important to value what you have, and not value what you don’t have. We live in a modern world, cell phones, homes, electricity, gas, all things that require money, both earning and spending. This does not detract from what Buddha taught… it just goes to show how fleeting, and irrelevant money truly is…(point 4)….

And the final wrap up, is something I am pasting from the web:

“When we speak of the greed of the Three Poisons, the word for "greed" is lobha. This is an attraction to something that we think will gratify us.
As I understand it, lobha is fixating on a thing we think we need to make us happy. For example, if we see a pair of shoes we think we must have, even though we have a closet full of perfectly good shoes, that is lobha. And, of course, if we buy the shoes we may enjoy them for a time, but soon enough we forget the shoes and want something else.”

True friendships are not based on greed. Sadly, the world is full of givers and takers… and the takers have learned what they think is manipulation of the givers. If you are a giver, you will be like a new pair of shoes to a taker…. Once they have had their fill, something else is more important. We should mourn for the takers, because their greed consumes them, and they don’t understand real happiness.

--Wolf

[Guest062124]

Originally Posted by cryingwolf

And the final wrap up, is something I am pasting from the web:

“When we speak of the greed of the Three Poisons, the word for "greed" is lobha. This is an attraction to something that we think will gratify us.
As I understand it, lobha is fixating on a thing we think we need to make us happy. For example, if we see a pair of shoes we think we must have, even though we have a closet full of perfectly good shoes, that is lobha. And, of course, if we buy the shoes we may enjoy them for a time, but soon enough we forget the shoes and want something else.”

True friendships are not based on greed. Sadly, the world is full of givers and takers… and the takers have learned what they think is manipulation of the givers. If you are a giver, you will be like a new pair of shoes to a taker…. Once they have had their fill, something else is more important. We should mourn for the takers, because their greed consumes them, and they don’t understand real happiness.

--Wolf

From the start of my dating life, I was consumed by takers. Givers have been few and far between. I can honestly say that in the hobby, the total opposite has been true.

Once again, Wolf, thank you for your words.

[pmdelites]

Originally Posted by cryingwolf

...

Personally, I do not believe Jesus was any more or less a deity then any of us. I feel what the bible writes about his teachings, however, were dead on if you listen to what he had to say…. Love others as you want to be loved yourself…. And a deeper truth in that is if you cannot love yourself, then how can you expect to love others. If you don’t love yourself, then you will try to fill that whole by trying to ‘take’ the love of others, instead of having a balance flow of peaceful loving energy… (point 1)

don’t judge others, lest you be judged yourself…. AND, we all have a role to play in this life, a piece in the puzzle. Is the soldier evil, for deaths he/she caused? Is a doctor a saint for the lives he/she saves? We all have skills and attributes that contribute to society in one way or another. And you would be hard pressed to find a single occupation that SOMEONE hasn’t complained about, or been prejudiced against…. But, back to Jesus taught… it’s not our occupation that matters, it’s how we live our life, and if we do it from our heart and soul. (point 2)

I could write a novel or two as to the patriarchal tendencies of Christianity, but I truly believe the lessons Jesus taught had nothing to do with one gender being dominant or ‘better’ then the other. Just like point 2, we all contribute to a natural balance… (point 3)

and finally, in his words “give unto ceasar, that which is ceasar’s”. ... Buddha taught that it’s more important to value what you have, and not value what you don’t have.…(point 4)….

And the final wrap up, is something I am pasting from the web:

“When we speak of the greed of the Three Poisons, the word for "greed" is lobha. This is an attraction to something that we think will gratify us.
As I understand it, lobha is fixating on a thing we think we need to make us happy. For example, if we see a pair of shoes we think we must have, even though we have a closet full of perfectly good shoes, that is lobha. And, of course, if we buy the shoes we may enjoy them for a time, but soon enough we forget the shoes and want something else.”

True friendships are not based on greed. Sadly, the world is full of givers and takers… and the takers have learned what they think is manipulation of the givers. If you are a giver, you will be like a new pair of shoes to a taker…. Once they have had their fill, something else is more important. We should mourn for the takers, because their greed consumes them, and they don’t understand real happiness.

--Wolf

wolf, i hope i parsed your points correctly [point described then identified as point 1, 2, 3, ...].

in any case, very good points which i'd summarize as
love yourself, then love others as you would have them love you.
respect yourself, then respect others as you would have them respect you.
show others compassion/empathy as you would have them do for you.

wrt point 2, there was a great Frontline program on KERA TV the other nite about Sept 11. one of the segments was about evil. bottom line [as i interpreted it] there is evil in all of us. and if we only ascribe it to others, then we separate ourselves from others. that's not to say we should not condemn horrific or inhuman treatment of others, just dont call it evil as if it were something we ourselves couldnt do under certain circumstances.

wrt to the quoted text and your summary... most most excellent.
give some, take some, but do so in balance.

peace be with you all!!
enjoy and share life!

[Guest100811]

Reese, glad I could share!

PMDelites... I couldn't agree more about balance and evil.

One of the representations of a cross is for the balance between good and bad (a better word then evil) and choas and order.

So:

Order ---------- Chaos

Good
|
|
|
|
Bad

An 'even' cross, +, would represent a true balance to these natural forces.

Neither force can exist without it's counterpart. If there was no 'evil/bad' in the world, how could there be good? It would just BE.

Personally, I have found that those that are out of balance in those forces are the least happiest..... yet I have found it nearly impossible to actually teach someone to balance themselves....

[berkleigh]

Thank you Duke, Reese & MAX