What is your dom definition?

[heidilynnla]

Spinning off of Amanda's thread. I have recently taken on a few subs. It took me quite some time to be comfortable in my bossy, dom role. The problem I have is knowing boundaries.

One sub wants to and has been my cuckhold. He has been a good slave in his role.

Another claims to want to be my cuckhold, but he wants a BJ. Doesn' that defeat the purpose?

Another wants to be verbally humiated and no sexual contact.

How do you read your subs? Where do you cross the line?

[Sensual Leigh]

Originally Posted by heidilynnla

Spinning off of Amanda's thread. I have recently taken on a few subs. It took me quite some time to be comfortable in my bossy, dom role. The problem I have is knowing boundaries.

One sub wants to and has been my cuckhold. He has been a good slave in his role.

Another claims to want to be my cuckhold, but he wants a BJ. Doesn' that defeat the purpose?

Another wants to be verbally humiated and no sexual contact.

How do you read your subs? Where do you cross the line?

Always specify a "safe word" before you begin and that word will tell you when you have reached the line your partner has set for himself.

I always ask them to describe their atf bdsm experience,that will give you pointers in which direction you should go with them

Guy number 2 needs to learn that Fem Dom means that he doesn't call the shots that he is the one doing what You tell him to do.Be firm about that because some newbies and some experienced bottoms as well have been spoiled by weak mistresses.

Humiliation is a very common ,Dress 'em up in some manny panties and let your imagination run wild...You'll both have alot of fun with it (I know I always do)

I hope this helps some .. you can also find more information in the forums at bondage.com.

Lixxxz & Spanks
LT

[Guest102212]

Originally Posted by heidilynnla

Spinning off of Amanda's thread. I have recently taken on a few subs. It took me quite some time to be comfortable in my bossy, dom role. The problem I have is knowing boundaries.

One sub wants to and has been my cuckhold. He has been a good slave in his role.

Another claims to want to be my cuckhold, but he wants a BJ. Doesn' that defeat the purpose?

Another wants to be verbally humiated and no sexual contact.

How do you read your subs? Where do you cross the line?

Generally, my definition, is the dom/domme is the one who calls the shots. Rewards/punishments/treats/tasks et cetera.

Guy number 2 should only get a BJ if YOU want to give him one and should not be expected by him. Perhaps you can allow him to get his BJ from the other guy? Probably not a twist he is expecting.

Subs are read over time. There are those who are true subs and those who just like the concept of not having any significant "control." Watch the faces, the manerisms. Listen the tone and inflection in the voice and pay very close attention to word choice.

And, have many open conversations. Find out what makes them a "sub." What are their desires. You could even do a checklist of "interests."

[Krunkman]

Originally Posted by heidilynnla

Spinning off of Amanda's thread. I have recently taken on a few subs. It took me quite some time to be comfortable in my bossy, dom role. The problem I have is knowing boundaries.

One sub wants to and has been my cuckhold. He has been a good slave in his role.

Another claims to want to be my cuckhold, but he wants a BJ. Doesn' that defeat the purpose?

Another wants to be verbally humiated and no sexual contact.

How do you read your subs? Where do you cross the line?

In general communication is always going to be the key. Care should be taken whenever you start playing with someone new because you simply don't know their true boundaries yet. It's best to ramp up the play you want until you are both at the right (and comfortable) level that works for each of you.

And don't be afraid to sit down and actually discuss how the play has been going, and where each of you feel its taking you. If you aren't having fun, then why bother (with the caveat that if its a job, that's a different matter... not everybody gets to do a job they really love!).

Plus, there's nothing out there that says you have to be a bossy, inconsiderate bitch to be a domme. Don't read too much into the silly porn tapes out there. The best dommes, in my opinion, never raise their voice, say 'please' and 'thank you' like a cultured individual, and they inspire their submissives to want and need to serve. But those are rare individuals unfortunately. Far too many people have no idea what it means to integrate dominance and leadership into the same path.

Sub #2 sounds like he wants to play with chastity, hence his request for a blowjob. Though technically cuckhold is more about penetrative sex.. one can be a cuck and still masturbate and have orgasms. You definitely should talk more with him about what he thinks cuckholdry is all about.

[Krunkman]

Originally Posted by Sensual Leigh

Guy number 2 needs to learn that Fem Dom means that he doesn't call the shots that he is the one doing what You tell him to do.Be firm about that because some newbies and some experienced bottoms as well have been spoiled by weak mistresses.

While I know this is common thought process, I would have to disagree with you here. I recently had a conversation with someone who has been in the scene for a few decades like me, and he had said in an ad "...REMEMBER, it's about the DOM'S needs, not yours."

I told him that this is not true. A BDSM relationship is still just that - a relationship. Successful, long-term ones never work out like that - not in my experience or observations. Both of us have been around for 20+ years. And after I called him out on that, he admitted that I was right, but that so many submissives out there seem to think that this is the "one twue way of submission"... which we both know is a crock of sh*t.

Too often people get this mindset and instead of becoming good dominants who give as much as receive, they just take and take, thinking incorrectly that this is their "due" as a dominant. The last time I checked there wasn't a school or certificate that one earned in order to assume the dominant role. 99.9% of othe people out there just call themselves whatever the hell they want, and expect others to agree with them!

Of course, this same line of reasoning is also true on the submissive side. There are any number of "subs" out there who think submission is equivalent to kneeling between mistress's thighs and licking her to a few orgasms, having sex with her, and then going home.

But like everything else, yer gonna find different opinions out there on what's right/wrong and everything else in between. At the end of the day if you aren't having fun, then why bother?

[ElisabethWhispers]

Originally Posted by Krunkman

...There are any number of "subs" out there who think submission is equivalent to kneeling between mistress's thighs and licking her to a few orgasms, ... and then going home.

I find this to be the most annoying thing of all to deal with in my line of doing things. Sorry for the slight hijack.

I find domination to be one of the most difficult things to do. Trying to find what makes your partner tick is different for everyone. And I never found "bossy" to be very effective in dealing with submissive type of men.

A little of that has always gone a long way with me. And when I've wanted to be submissive, the same thing can be said.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to have those "suck my dick, bitch" types trying to dominate a woman. Or at least me. I don't mind someone saying it. But being bullied and sucking a guy's cock isn't what I would call a true D/s experience. It's much more complicated.

And the few sentences that I wrote just really doesn't say enough but well ... for now, that's the time that I have!

Elisabeth

[Guest102212]

Originally Posted by Krunkman

There are any number of "subs" out there who think submission is equivalent to kneeling between mistress's thighs and licking her to a few orgasms, having sex with her, and then going home.

Service can be part of submission. But offering to perform oral sex is, for most dominants, not something that is NEEDED. If a sub makes an offering of an activity, it should be something useful.

[Krunkman]

Originally Posted by EMSchaser

Service can be part of submission. But offering to perform oral sex is, for most dominants, not something that is NEEDED. If a sub makes an offering of an activity, it should be something useful.

LOL! You are quite right. Of course, lifestyle is much different than professional (and that's a WHOLE 'nother thread!).

Though I'm pretty sure a lot of women would not say they "needed" their sub to lick their hoo-hah for them. I'm not quite sure I could say that of a lot of men. Ah, the power of the little head!!!

[Krunkman]

Originally Posted by ElisabethWhispers

I find this to be the most annoying thing of all to deal with in my line of doing things. Sorry for the slight hijack.

I find domination to be one of the most difficult things to do. Trying to find what makes your partner tick is different for everyone. And I never found "bossy" to be very effective in dealing with submissive type of men.

A little of that has always gone a long way with me. And when I've wanted to be submissive, the same thing can be said.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to have those "suck my dick, bitch" types trying to dominate a woman. Or at least me. I don't mind someone saying it. But being bullied and sucking a guy's cock isn't what I would call a true D/s experience. It's much more complicated.

And the few sentences that I wrote just really doesn't say enough but well ... for now, that's the time that I have!

Elisabeth

It sells porn tapes, and is a popular fantasy... but that seems to be about it. Too many people buy into the porn definition (on both domme and sub sides) and perpetuate the silly stereotype.

The M/s and D/s relationships I've seen have never been about that... with the exception of playing for a crowd, or when they were exceedingly horny and "suck my dick!" meant more than a line from a movie.

[heidilynnla]

It's just such a broad "realm". I agree that the communication is vital because there are so many variables and requests. To me, it is about fulfilling clients fantasies while enjoying and gaining appreciation for a side of sensuality I am new to. For now...