Tell your best jokes!

[Charlie Brown]

A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.’

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.’

[fogcutter]

Did you hear about the blonde with a vibrator?

Chipped her teeth.

[fogcutter]

They found a skeleton in a tree at A&M.

Hide and seek champion 1988

[fogcutter]

Wife comes home from a doctor's appointment with a big smile. Husband says "why" "
"doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 yr old girl even at 45."

Husband.."did he say anything about your fat ass."

wife "we didnt talk about you!"

[ManSlut]

Drunk on the street: “Officer, I need to report my car stolen!”

Police Officer on the street: “Oh yeah, where did you last see it?”

Drunk holding up his keys: “Right here on the end of these keys!”

Police Officer: “Well you should go down to the station to report this.”

(Drunk turns to walk away)

Police Officer: “Oh, by the way, you should probably zip up your pants before you go down to the station.”

Drunk: “Oh shit, they took my girl, too!”

[Financeman22]

A Sailor & Marine in the head taking a piss, the Sailor finishes and walks over the lavatory and washes his hands, the Marine finishes his piss, zips up and heads toward the door, the Sailor stops him and say "You know in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we take a piss" The Marine looks at him & says" In the Marine Corps they teach us not to piss on our hands so we don't have to.!!!

[CG2014]

[SpecialK99]

3 vampires walk into a bar. First one orders a glass of blood. Second one orders a glass of blood. The third one orders a cup of hot water. Curious, the bartender asks why didn't you order a glass of blood also. The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says I'm making tea.

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"

[CG2014]

[Tara Evans]

If you were a vegetable what would you be.?
A cutecumber. Lol.
I love it

[cinderbella]

Blonde gets pulled over in a secluded area by a male cop. He walks up to her window and explains that she could be in a lot of trouble, but he is willing to take a favor instead. Cop starts to unzip his pants and the blonde says, "Oh not another breathalyzer".....

[hangryhip]

Originally Posted by Chung Tran

disclaimer: Mods, this is a joke thread, not aimed at anyone, so ignore any RTM you may get.. stupid that I have to say that, but anyway..

young boy has a Jewish Mom and Black Dad. he asks his Mom, "am I more Jewish or more Black"? she scolds him.. "that is a dumb question, go ask your father".. the young boy goes to his Dad.. "am I more Jewish or more Black"? Dad says, "you're equally both, what makes you ask such a question?"


the boy goes, "well, the kid down the street is selling his bike for $20, and I don't know whether I should try to get him down to $14.95, or just steal the Motherfucker"!

How does every black joke start?

[Cranjis McBasketball]

What's the worst thing about locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask to borrow a coat hanger.

[SpecialK99]

A guy takes his wife to the Doctors. After examining her the doctor says your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's.

The man asked how he could find out. Well, responds the Doctor, put her in the car, drive her out into the woods about 4 or 5 miles from your home, drop her off and if she finds her way back home, don't have sex with her.

[SpecialK99]

A man comes home and asks his wife to tell him something that is going to make him laugh and cry. Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."

A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.
“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!”