UNSPOKEN RULES OF SEX
1. Make the Appropriate Grunt
If you can’t think of anything sexy to say, don’t say
anything at all / just make noises appropriate to your
enjoyment level.
No no #24:
“Your penis feels amazing!”
“Y-y-you too.”
2. Or the Appropriate Dirty Talk
My mouth sometimes moves faster than my brain. The amount of
times as a male I’ve told my girlfriend “I’m so fucking wet.”
is in the tens.
3. Heed the Warning Signs
If it’s a one night stand, and she says you don’t have to
wear a condom, you should definitely wear a condom.
4. Be Careful With the Toys
If you’re going to suck a vibrator seductively, turn the
fucking thing off first.
If your girlfriend cracks a tooth on a vibrator, don’t laugh!
5. Um, How Do I Say This?
I remember when I first started dating 6 years ago, I’m 25,
and I’d get a bj not knowing how to go about ejaculating. So
I’d ask where to go and it always ruined the moment. Finally,
a few years back I started just saying, “I’m about to finish”
and let them handle it how they want to. So I guess that’s a
rule.
6. Remember, These Things Are Breakable
Ladies, when you’re on top don’t go so crazy that you start
catching air. Nothing is a quicker boner-killer than being
afraid you might snap it.
7. You Must Wash Your Hands
If you recently ate spicy foods, wash your hands! I’ve found
that ladies do not appreciate a surprise spicy vagina.
8. Here Is Why
Ahhhhh I did this to my ex on the way back from a ski trip.
We ate the spiciest goddamn wings ever and had a couple of
beers.
Got a little playful in the car with my hand. Cue to me
stopping and her sitting butt naked in a snow bank trying to
ice off her crotch.
Hilarious for me. not so much for her
9. At Least There’s A Rule Now
If it slips out the one on top puts it back in.
10. To Avoid A Break In the Flow
This should be more well known. I’ve had moments where both
us us just lay there waiting for the other person to do it
or, more awkward, doing a secret handshake with my dick.
11. Never
Never make fun of someones orgasm face.
12. Rhythm Is The Soul’s Companion
Don’t always speed up if she is liking it. Women like rhythm,
damnit!
13. Sabotage
Woman: “Don’t stop!”
Man: changes pace and speeds up
WHY. Just, WHY?!?!?! Orgasm gone.
14. Actually Respect Limits
If he or she has trouble finishing, don’t just stop
attempting to get them there. And don’t rush them.
I should add this: know your partner’s limits, stop if it’s
obviously not going to happen, and don’t shame them if it
doesn’t happen.
15. No V To A
V to A, you’re okay!
A to V, hurts when you pee!
16. Please Don’t
Don’t fart while receiving oral.
17. Some Things Need To Be Discussed First
You’re gonna want to ask before you venture to brown town.
And I’m not just talking about trying to stuff your cock in
her ass like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon, I mean a
finger, a tongue…anything.
Nothing kills a good fuck session like you getting a little
adventurous and trying to rim the poor girl out if she’s not
into it. She clenches up and pulls away and says “what are
you doing?!” You realize you’ve blown it. Again.
She doesn’t consider her asshole fair game and now all she’s
thinking about is shit. There’s no going back.
18. No Excuses
Reciprocate oral.
19. Remember To Show You’re Alive
Have fun in there. Be vocal and lively. Nobody Most people
don’t like sex with a lifeless body.
20. No Alligator Death Rolls Please
Nipple play is great but they are not jerky, please don’t
bite, suck way too hard, and/or chew on them like you’re
trying to take them off.
Edit: I mean, bite as in chomp like an alligator doing a
death roll.
21. Keep Pointing and Laughing Separate
How about this: It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to point.
However there can be NO pointing and laughing.
22. Always Give Appropriate Warning
If you’re receiving a blow job, give a courtesy tap before
you blow your load, for the love of all that is holy. Just a
heads up is all we ask.
23. Accept and Move On
If someone says they’re not comfortable with something then
it ends there. You can discuss it later, but don’t push the
issue.
24. Don’t Stress About the Mess
Sex is messy so go apeshit on one another and don’t think
about what’s going on.
25. It’s Okay To Laugh Sometimes
If your bodies push together in a weird way and you make a
fart noise with your chests or something, it’s okay to laugh.
That shit is funny.
26. No Humorous Catchphrases!
Don’t shout some hilarious catchphrase when you come. My
friend used to do that with his girlfriend all the time, and
it wound her up something fierce.
One week it was “hiyooooo!” the next week it was “joooyyy!”
(in the voice of Stimpy). Even though it nearly caused them
to break up, he still carried on doing it..that is until,
after reaching the end of her rope, his girlfriend started
shouting “Nooooiiiice!” in the gruffest, most manly voice she
could manage whenever she orgasmed. My friend stopped after
that.
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