It was supposed to be a simple quick trip to the store.
Eggs.
Coffee Creamer.
Ciabata bread for toasting.
Instead it turned into something much worse. At this point, I must say, I feel as if my ears have been raped.
I walked up the dairy aisle after checking that my Grade AA eggs were all nice and uncracked (that's right - AA, fuck Grade A eggs!). That's when I saw them. They didn't look familiar other than to say they would fit the archetype for people appearing on a COPS: Greatest Domestic Disturbance Calls Special. The guy, a bit like Larry "The Cable Guy," only more trailer trashy. The woman...I hesitate to say this, it makes me feel like I'm being mean...but have seen "Batman Returns" where Danny DeVito plays The Penguin?
Yup, that was her.
When I reached the end of the aisle and I looked around at the meat section, my eyes met their's for about a second. Then, deciding that I had what I needed at home for dinner, I looked up at the aisle directories to see how close I was to where the coffee was. In the time it took for me to do that, the woman, let's call her Brandy Lee, and had apparently whispered something to her man, let's call him Skeeter. When I lowered my head and started to move down to the coffee aisle I managed one more glance over and this time Skeeter smiled at me. Skeeter's smile was the kind that should only belong on a 1970's/80's era hockey player--and I don't think Skeeter has seen a puck in a long time.
I passed by them and that's when the horror began. Once I got by them Skeeter began saying to Brandy Lee,
"Tell him, just go ahead and tell him, you never know what could happen!"
I walked down the coffee aisle, not thinking that the comment could possibly have anything to do with me. I was midway down the aisle when I heard Skeeter behind me in the distance
"Maybe you'd like a big guy on top of you."
I'm now 80% sure they're talking about me (I am 6'4" and around 300lbs).
Brandy Lee is trying to shush him up, but Skeeter just continues in his normal speaking voice, not even a 1/2 hearted attempt to whisper. Next thing I hear referred to a Beatles T-shirt, of which I was wearing. Now I know they are talking me. Brandy Lee the Penguin Lady made some comment regarding me, and now her husband is trying to encourage her to say it to my face.
I'm sure they were following me around the store, comments from Skeeter like
"It'd be fun watching him ride you." and
"I'll hold the video camera." along with her embarrassed comments
"Hush dummy, he'll hear you. (no shit I could hear him, Skeeter doesn't know how to whisper) and my personal favorite
"I'm married to you fuckface."
I made my way to the checkout line ASAP. I figure they are now somewhere else in the store entirely, when I suddenly hear Skeeter from about 8 feet away,
"Oh, there he is!" followed by another quick attempt of Brandy Lee to shut him up.
I get out to my car and leave, figuring this was the end of it. I stopped at the gas station in front of the store to fill up. I finish and start to pull out - and that's when I see them again. This time, driving down the road in front of the gas station, Brandy Lee driving, and Skeeter making a fourth grader's gesture at me with the index finger of one hand and his other hand rolled in an "O." (You know what I mean, I couldn't find a gif to illustrate it).
I stayed back on the street in traffic - not wanting to endure any more inspiration for my screenplay of "Deliverance 2." Finally we got to an intersection where I was going straight, and they were turning, and (Thank God) I had a green light. As I drove past, Skeeter yelled something inaudible, which was a complete blessing. I drove on, and they turned left to where the trailer parks are (not kidding, I wasn't just being stereotypical this whole time).
I got home and took a shower, washing my ears and eyes more than I care to remember.
Now, I'm sure some might say that I'm being mean and I should be flattered. Uhm no - this wasn't like a couple of swingers who were commenting on maybe bringing me into to their swinger fold. This was a woman who made some comment to her husband regarding me (still don't know what it was, nor do I want to) and then her redneck toothless husband following me around giving me and her shit. All I wanted was my fucking Grade AA eggs asshole. I shouldn't have to be harassed by your bullshit.
Now my only thoughts are about if and when I might need to go back to that same store.
NO NO NO NO NOOOOO! or Potential Penthouse Forum Letter from HELL!
