Sadly I can't take the time to read all of the responses that have been made to your friend's difficult situation. I will give my two cents, and hopefully there's something unique said (though probably not).
My personal history has proven that such a problem is the first step on a downward slope, and that such relationships tend to end. Usually when I have tried to cling on and repair it, the conclusion is that it ends much later and it ends badly.
When someone is making remarks that their companion/friend finds uncomfortable, politely says so, and then insists on pushing the issue - that is a display of profound disrespect for the individual. No one asked him to change his mind, just be respectful of his companions comfort by discussing other topics. To then push the issue is like trying to pee on a hydrant.
Though fantasy is part of this for many people, another persons fantasy does not get to override your reality. Your friend feeling upset by the comments, and then hurt/upset by his persisting on the topic is very real to her, and she does not deserve such poor treatment. She should not be expected to negotiate her ethical principals or world view for anyone.
The fantasy of a perfect companion should not include someone that is willing to put up with inconsiderate and unkind behavior. If he has such a fantasy, then he is woefully self absorbed and has little consideration for the woman he spends time with - and this may simply be the first "Warning Flag". Other behavior along these lines may later show themselves in other situations. I would suggest taking note of this, and be a little more observant to see if there are other subtle indications that the relationship has future potential of becoming toxic.
At that juncture, if the issue was not resolved peacefully, I would then question if his financial contribution is really worth the aggravation. If this patron is a major contributor to your friend's lifestyle and comfort, then he is abusing his position of influence in her life.
I can only comment from my own experience, but I have also broken many client/companion boundaries, where I am no longer paid hourly. My first two ventures of this nature proved to be difficult and were very educational. The first instant lead to my patron choosing to see how far he could push me to do what he wanted, when he wanted based on his considerable contributions. There was very much a undertone of ownership that became quite upsetting and unbearable. I think your friend has to put her foot down, she needs to establish what is acceptable and unacceptable as soon as the situations present themselves. If she folds on something that makes her considerably uncomfortable once, then he'll keep pushing those lines, until the relationship is not something she enjoys.
She has taken a step outside the fantasy world, by making herself available, by creating a situation where instead of a financial transaction, they can instead focus on taking care of each other as best as they can. In doing so, he can no longer expect pure fantasy, and ethically should embrace her as a whole person, not just entertainment.
Though he may be taking care of her financially, he is emotionally being abusive, though the infraction may be small in the grand consideration of things.
Your friend should understand that when she takes the chances of breaking down the boundaries of typical companionship, she has more right then ever before to expect respect and dignity. She must take care of her well being, and do what is right for her happiness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie
However, her client has made comments that my friend finds offensive and racist. She would prefer to avoid those conversations and stick to topics on which, while they may not agree, they can have productive conversations. She expressed, politely, to her client, her discomfort with certain comments he has made. Offended, her client has since continued to push the issues and encourages her to respond to statements he knows she will find objectionable.
What's a girl to do?
On the one hand, a client is paying for a fantasy, not just a sexual fantasy, but the fantasy of a perfect companion who will cater to his every emotional and intellectual need. But this couple in particular has, in many ways, broken the client/companion boundaries. She is no longer paid hourly, but they have a mutual agreement to care for one another's needs in a less formal arrangement. When should you be yourself, and when should you play the role of fantasy? Is it acceptable to request certain topics of conversation be avoided? In many cases, two people can have a productive, respectful discussion, never agree, but understand and appreciate one another's views. There are also cases, though, when one person is so put off by another's comments and perspective, that it seems better to avoid certain discussions all together in order to preserve the positive aspects of a relationship.
What do you all think?
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Hi Nina!
so I may have missed the really offensive parts...
my kind of girl!!
