Sex Jokes?

[rrrabbit]

Confucius say ...

Nice when boy meet girl in park, but nicer when boy park meat in girl.

[Guest082216-1]

What is 69 and 69? Dinner for 4

What is the square root of 69? Eight something

What is 6.9? 69 ruined by a period

What is the speed limit of sex? 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

[Guest082216-1]

A boy asked his father: "What does a vagina look like?"
"Well son, before sex it looks like a perfect pink rosebud with a sweet perfume."
"So, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?

[Guest082216-1]

50 years the couple had been married. They returned to very restaraunt, to the very table they had sat at when he proposed to her so long ago. As the meal drew to a close, she looked at her husband and noticed a small smile on his lips. "What are you smiling about, my love?" she asked.

He replied: "Do you remember that night 50 years agao when I proposed? How we went out back, I pushed up against the fence and we made love for the first time?" She smiled back:" Of course my dear. It was wonderfull!" With a twinkle in his eye he said: "How about it? For old times sake?"

Laughing, they slipped out the door, made their way to the back, found the very spot from 50 years ago and began to embrace. As he enters her, they lean back against the fence. Suddenly, she goes wild! Screaming, throwing her legs around him. Jurking hard, clawing him, moaning, doing things she had never done before. At last, they fall to the ground, completly spent.

Gasping, the old man exclaims: " Wow,what happend? You wern't that wild 50 years ago! Why now?"

Hardly able to breath, she cried out:" The fence wasn't electrified back then!!!"

[Guest082216-1]

Why do mice have such tiny balls? Because so few can dance.

Think about it, think about it, Got it?

[Guest082216-1]

Guy goes the doc.
"Doc" he says "My penis is orange"
Doc looks and sure enough, the guys penis is orange!
Doc: "Hmm, maybe a food aleragy. Have you started eating anything new lately?
Guy: No. same food as always
Doc: Hmm, maybe its stress? Having any problems with your wife or girlfriend?
Guy: Nope, no girl friend or wife
Doc: How about work, any problems there?
Guy: No, boss is great, I do what I love and pay is just right.
Doc: Well, I am out of ideas, Tell me, what do you do with your spare time?
Guy: Not much. Most nights, I come home, grab a bag of cheetos, and watch porn.....

[flexywun]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get out a here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad...as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed
to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the
country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus!
I thought ye said a Protestant. A Protestant ye scared me half to death ,
girl!
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

[oldbutstillgoing]

I was searching for jokes and found this really old thread. Some of these are really funny. Maybe someone has some more to add

[Gandalf4301]

An old one. Know the cure for women that crave giving blow jobs? Wedding Cake!

[TexTushHog]

An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession. The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car and said they were on spring break and needed directions and we got into a discussion and they offered
to drive me home and on the way one of them asked me the last time I'd had sex and I told them it had been years and she said would I like to have some fun and before I knew it the three of us were in my apartment and I had the most magnificent sex for two nights and the day between and they're still there waiting for me and promised they'd show me things I never even knew a
man and woman could do. And that's why I've come to confession."

And the priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

And the old man says, "Actually, this is the first time."

And the priest says, "You're 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?"

And the old man says, "Because I'm Jewish."

And the priest asks, "In that case, why are you telling me?"

And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody."

[CG2014]

https://www.tiktok.com/@darek_przyby...85355392912686

[CG2014]

Tonight I was walking home late when I see a woman in the shadows. “Fifty bucks,” she says.

I’ve never been with a prostitute before, but decided what the hell.

We are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on us – it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” I answer indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” I said, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

[JamesBond]

Best Little Johnny Joke!

Math teacher asks class a question: 3 birds are on a wire, farmers shots 1 bird off the wire, how many birds are left?

Little Johnny raises arm and teacher calls on him.

Little Johnny answers “None”

Why none teacher asks. Johnny says, farmer shot one off the wire and the noise caused the other two to fly off.

Teacher says, not the answer I was looking for but I like the way your thinking.

Next morning, Johnny has a question for teacher. Teacher says go ahead.

Johnny says, 3 ladies each have an ice cream cone. One is biting theirs, one is licking theirs, and one is sucking theirs. Which one is married?

Teacher thinking for a while and says, the one sucking theirs??

Johnny says, No, it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking!

[CG2014]

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

[Dirkdiggler41]

Originally Posted by Charlie Brown

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"

Had fun reading these but of joke post #15 I have to give the gold medal to! Literarily lol funny.