Twilight zone ... or musings of Single Companion

[Miguel]

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

A typical professional companion and her patron are creating an oasis of time. They are both on their best behavior. It's a honeymoon, it isn't life.

Bingo. Drawing from the other thread on patrons and providers falling in love, it's bound to happen when you're in such an idealized environment. Imposing the same criteria of instant intimacy to civilian dates is a tall order. Both sides have (usually) gone the extra step to put their best foot forward.

In reality, it's a persons imperfections and quirks that I find more attractive in the long run.

My personal dates often match or exceed my paid engagements in terms of mutual respect and decorum. For me, the bigger challenge is finding dates that match the openness of paid engagements. There's no pretext in this world. You each know why you're there and are free to share interests and experiences openly.

I forget sometimes how non-standard my views of sexuality and culture have become after playing in this world for a while. Most of us have been exposed to so much that those outside the world considers taboo. With new civilian dates, there's a long process of sharing and contextualizing that is required. I guess that's why I've chosen not to live the double life lately and deal with the limited dating options.

[RachaelBenedict]

I think that too often people only value what they pay for...
In the mainstream, I've met just as nice and wealthy guys- just much more complex to sift through than having the screening info and intro arrive through my website contact form.

I think in mainstream dating, people do put their best feet forward on the first date... but they're/we're maybe more honest about baggage and looking for different things. The qualities that I want in a life partner are different than the qualities I seek and value in a lover, although the base ones are the same (kind, respectful, financially secure, etcetera).

I don't know that I can compare the quality, joy, and value of any of my short-term libertine affairs (as an escort or before this world) to longer term attachments- even sugardaddies. Long-term relationships are on a completely different trajectory.

"This world" has made me more confident, more independent, less touch & affection starved... and has definitely changed my standards for the mainstream. It's caused me to take a good hard look at myself and my previously held beliefs about relationships and compatibility (did I used to judge too much based upon looks?) ... I think that there are alot of lessons to be learned from this world, which could (and should?) be applied to the mainstream.

I think "the hobby" can be a fantastic filter in MANY ways to meet guys who share your values (and people do tend to value what they pay for!) and who are accepting of your vocation as a Companion... but there are many other ways to meet single, kind, open minded, generous, thoughtful, interesting, educated, cultured... men for long term relationships.

[katkisses2000]

you can date outside of work,as many of us know we have a relationship outside of work you have to give yourself time to breath,and look at the glass half full,you just have to find someone whom is ok with what you do!! there are those out there,whom dont mind a company kind of gal!! maybe look at finding a hobbiest that can be your civvi? try looking maybe for a "sd" kind of deal.I know that is the dream for all of us

[atlcomedy]

A gentleman is a gentleman & a jackass is a jackass p4p or civie so let's just assume in both cases we're talking about a gentleman.

Several people have described the civie date as being on "best behavior." I would describe it differently: the p4p gentleman is more confident*. He knows what he's going to get. He knows what the boundaries are. He isn't dealing with all of the uncertainty that comes with a new civie relationship.

*this makes the assumption that this isn't this guy's first rodeo so to speak...if he is a newbie to p4p I have to think all of the above gets thrown out the window....

[Laurentius]

I've done a lot of civie dating; and I've always been just as appreciative and just as confident.

The only real difference is that in civie dating I have always let women know up-front about situations they might find objectionable so that I don't invest time and effort into a woman for no purpose.

I don't see providers exclusively for sex. They have competition from a couple of civie friends. I don't treat the civies or the providers any differently. I also sometimes see providers for no-sex dates.

Of course, in both cases the women affected are aware I am unavailable as a full-time lover for them and they accept that.

[Gryphon]

This is a very interesting thread and there have been some great points made. I would just add that being in this world gives added confidence to gents as well as the ladies. I've always been a bit of an introvert and more than a bit socially inept. The number of lovely, highly intelligent providers who give every indication of actually enjoying my company (whether it's all part of the service or not) has given me a much more positive view of myself. I just wish I could express my appreciation to them more fully.

[Guest083011]

Originally Posted by Gryphon

I just wish I could express my appreciation to them more fully.

You just did. Word!

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by atlcomedy

A gentleman is a gentleman & a jackass is a jackass p4p or civie

Word!

[Randy4Candy]

+1 to Laurentius' first post. In fact, it needs to be laser etched on every courthouse in the country - or at least handed out along with the program at every wedding...lol!

The hobby, being primarily a fantasy world with most involved on their "best behavior," can be a source for a lot of uninformed first impressions. But, there are always exceptions. Unfortunately, I think that it is a case where the exceptions prove the rule.

[charlestudor2005]

I guess it depends on your expectations and your pov.

Having never been a provider (at least in this life), I can't speak about providers' expectations either in p4p or civie.

However, as a hobbyist, I have different expectations in p4p and civie. My expectations with a provider are much higher than in the civie world. After all, as a consumer in p4p, I expect the service to be impeccable. It rarely is. After all, the hourly rate charged by most providers is fairly high. Sometimes I feel like I get better service from a waitress at a diner where I tip 20-25% than I do from a provider charging hundreds. I've been told by several people that would stop happening if I became a regular or returned to the same provider more than once. Well, that option isn't open to me for a number of reasons.

In the civie world, my expectations are entirely different. I have been rejected so many times by women I rarely flirt even. I expect nothing from women. So, there is barely any chance I will even connect with a woman on an emotional plane, much less a sexual one. It's possible that women think I'm not interested due to my aloof manner, but it's really because I don't think I stand a chance.

But my expectation in the different worlds are entirely different. I try very hard to be a gentleman in the p4p world. Gentle and respectful. In the civie world I try very hard to be a gentleman there, too. It's just I don't expect anything.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by atlcomedy

A gentleman is a gentleman & a jackass is a jackass p4p or civie ....

Well brayed!

[Tiffani Jameson]

Originally Posted by Sensual Lina

Is it just me, or paying clients treat ladies with more respect then single men out there? I may be a bit old fashioned, but when I meet a man outside of P4P environment, I prefer to take things slowly, get to know a person and honestly just not capable of jumping in suck on 1st date.

When I mention that my last real life relationship was consummated after dating for 4 months, people look at me like I just run away from asylum.

Seriously, 2 years ago I though it is insanity to date someone I met as an escort. Now I am beginning to think it is the only way to meet someone accomplished, smart, generous and respectful.
Lina

I was this way before P4P. I was never 'loose' as one would put it, and always required getting to know someone before any bedroom action took place. My problem was I was always in a relationship prior to the start of my life as a companion. (By the way, I just had my 5th anniversary, so congratulations on your 2nd.) So when I decided I needed a break from relationships, this was the perfect alternative. Now that I'm over 30 and really open to the idea of a partner, it seems that everyone is looking for a quick jump. That 4 month gap you speak of is normal for me as well.

The funny thing is I meet the accomplished, smart, and the generous. I'm finding that because of these things they expect you to do whatever and as quickly as possible to 'land them'.

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

A typical professional companion and her patron are creating an oasis of time. They are both on their best behavior. It's a honeymoon, it isn't life.

It's easy to adore a man who has only taken you to dinner, spoiled your body with attention, held every door and whispered sweet nothings.

I think that this just sums up the dating experience as a whole. It is so hard to think about going back to the norm when things are so perfect on P4P dates.

Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

But what happens when the same man has a close relative die and expresses his grief with anger - will you be there for him? When he looses his job and can't take you out to dinner or pay your bills - will your friendship and state of bliss maintain? What if he's ill and miserable, will you nurse him back to health? Are you truly willing to invest in them in the long term?

Or say this is too hard, too much effort, I'll wait for a new client....

In the "real" world, meaning not just civ but in any sincere caring relationship - you cannot expect to be spoiled - that's an unfair and shallow pressure that will grate on anyone's sanity. To be in a relationship with someone is to accept their faults, to embrace their imperfections as a whole. To adore the entire human being and build a history together. To show your own faults, and to work on improving together.

And consider - would these same men want you to call them in tears everyday for a week over a personal drama? Do they want to hear about the hardships of being a companion or must you isolate him? Will he really want to be there for you everytime you need financial help? Or is he enjoying the lack of drama, want only serentiy, only the good times?

If you're going to be in a happy *relationship* in the context of an alternative or vanilla bonding, each party must care for the other's well being even when it isn't comfortable or easy.

You make valid points, but who's to say that none of us wouldn't want to go through that? Some of us are actually looking for that very realism that you speak of. I think the point is that initially it's hard to GET there with a civvie relationship. You've got to get through the first or second dinner date without noticing how shallow he is, or noticing during a phone conversation how his expectations of life are just ridiculous. Luckily enough, being a companion is something that I wouldn't have to do once I found that 'one worth putting up with.' I take care of myself very well without being a provider, and it's never a requirement of a civvie relationship that he pay my bills, only that he can pay his own (though those things are never an issue when you actually find someone that cares.)

I know that you're poly amorous, but on a larger scale, there are very FEW men that want to hear about our rendezvous and drama as a companion. Their egos won't allow them to process the information positively. I'm the same way both as a civvie and as a companion, a guy can do as he pleases, but when we're together the moment is about us, not you and your last conquest. As far as the drama aspect, I think that would be the thing that people should avoid if they can help it. Excitement, however, should never be in short supply.

Boy, Laurentius, I thought I thought too much. LOL But I like that about you. A very rare quality in men to actually think things through...

Personally, I've learned a long time ago that a person's exterior is not the most important thing about them. But it can affect their attitude about dating and their thoughts of ever being truly happy without being jaded. That's why when giving my civilian time to someone, I look for the balance. I never expect 10's across the board, or in any one category. But the funny thing is you never find a person that's well balanced.

But to each his own. Hopefully we all find what we're ultimately looking for in this life.

The best to you all!

[Guest053011]

Originally Posted by Tiffani Jameson

You make valid points, but who's to say that none of us wouldn't want to go through that? Some of us are actually looking for that very realism that you speak of.

As do I, and not only in civilian dating but in the demimonde as well. My only point is that in this world people manage their behavior and the impressions they give far more carefully then they would if they were on a civilian date. Once you are dating him as a girlfriend, he will not nor should he have to be as careful. If you met the same man on a civilian date, his behaviour might not be as guarded as it would be in a professional context, simply because he would be misleading a civilian woman who he is hoping to develop a strong relationship where the sincereity of his humanity is embraced, and in a professional context he has no such expectation and thus can create that special oasis of time - he doesn't have to keep it up into perpetuity with a professional companion, just when he books her. That's easy to do, but when faced with day to day life, that's nearly impossible.

When I have entered into boundariless relationships with gentlemen I have met as Ms. Summerhill, it's actually taken both the gentlemen and myself some work and a lot of "checking in" to shake off all habit's we've formed because we met each other as patron and companion. It's easy to fall into them, and in the long run will leave both parties feeling strained.

You are correct that there are few men that want to face the reality that their partner sees other men. However, in a civilian dating context - I have no intention of sheltering that from him. It's a very real part of my life, and if he can't let me decompress he has no place in my personal life. I do not flaunt it, however, I will not make it invisible either. It is important that I can be open, and that our life together has no element of fantasy. I would like to be loved just as I am. None of the men I have entered into a relationship had ever experienced a polyamorous relationship before, however, as long as you are honest from the first date it's not terribly difficult even with civilian men. I am very quick to mention "I don't do monogamy", and even on a first date I can figure out whether that's something that intrigues him or repels him. Even when I have known couples where both parties have bee involved in polyamory previously, it still takes a lot of work. It's far more difficult to navigate then monogamy - egos will flare up even with the most secure of people. It take patients and effort on an ongoing basis. Even without prior experience, with a lot of honesty and frank discussions, as well as compassion and empathy from both parties, I find this is possible.

That being said, the greatest part about dating someone from within this world is never having to "break the news". Even so, his being comfortable with a provider seeing other people does not mean he will be comfortable with the woman he will introduce to his family seeing other people. Also, one must consider that many think they can handle it only to realize they can't. Participating in the world of professional companionship does not suggest a gentlemen is comfortable with his love seeing other people in a romantic or professional context.

Every lifetime has it's drama, we all have moments were we feel over run with emotion. I personally feel if I open my life and heart to a man, that he should be there for me even in my worst moments. I welcome him to lean on me when the world is an incredibly hard place for him, when he is wrought with emotion an irrational, when he's not the greatest person to be around, and would hope that I could lean on him as well.

Regardless of where we meet a person, it's important that both parties are able to wear their heart on their sleeve and not feel the pressure of needing to keep up airs.

[tylorblake]

I have related to what many of the ladies and gentleman have stated in this thread and have found it has also made me ask myself a few questions. I too, have recently started dating. It has been over 6 yrs since I last dated and I was in my twenties. I now find that I have higher expectations for a man. I am sure this is in part due to the fact I am in my thirties but also has to do with gentleman that I have been exposed to in my past 5 years in the hobby. It has truly changed me and has shaped my perceptions. I do agree we are on our best behavior while on a P4P date and that a real civie relationship has its ups and downs and could never be like a P4P date over a period of time, but my standards are still definitely higher.And so far, most civie dates or casual relationships have left me feeling quite disappointed.....both on a mental and sexual level........which brings me to my first question.When is it appropriate to have sex with someone in a civie relationship? On date 8? After a month? I recently went on a date with a professional man that revealed to me that most women that he dates he sleeps with by the 3rd date. I did not see him again. Yet, and I am embarrassed to admit it, I have slept with men myself far too soon into a relationship. I find this ironic due to the nature of my work, I mean,geeeez, its not like I am not getting any!

This could definitely be a whole new thread but here is the second question I have been asking myself. When is the right time to reveal to a man my line of work? I cannot emotionally connect with a man that I am lying to.Yet, I have made the mistake of revealing my work too soon. If I reveal my occupation to soon I attract men that just find it "intriguing".......I have come to loathe that word.Funny little story, I went out on a date with a man. Nice guy but knew we were not right for each other. We developed a friendship. I revealed to him what I do, as it happens he was very familiar with the hobby and had seen several ladies in my area. Sometimes I think its not really such a small world.

[petiteassman]

as you and your date realized you were not right for each other but became friends and both were involved in hobby world did the relationship develop into casual sex. sometimes its nice to fuck someone you really like as opposed to somebody you really love. just wondering

Originally Posted by tylorblake

I have related to what many of the ladies and gentleman have stated in this thread and have found it has also made me ask myself a few questions. I too, have recently started dating. It has been over 6 yrs since I last dated and I was in my twenties. I now find that I have higher expectations for a man. I am sure this is in part due to the fact I am in my thirties but also has to do with gentleman that I have been exposed to in my past 5 years in the hobby. It has truly changed me and has shaped my perceptions. I do agree we are on our best behavior while on a P4P date and that a real civie relationship has its ups and downs and could never be like a P4P date over a period of time, but my standards are still definitely higher.And so far, most civie dates or casual relationships have left me feeling quite disappointed.....both on a mental and sexual level........which brings me to my first question.When is it appropriate to have sex with someone in a civie relationship? On date 8? After a month? I recently went on a date with a professional man that revealed to me that most women that he dates he sleeps with by the 3rd date. I did not see him again. Yet, and I am embarrassed to admit it, I have slept with men myself far too soon into a relationship. I find this ironic due to the nature of my work, I mean,geeeez, its not like I am not getting any!

This could definitely be a whole new thread but here is the second question I have been asking myself. When is the right time to reveal to a man my line of work? I cannot emotionally connect with a man that I am lying to.Yet, I have made the mistake of revealing my work too soon. If I reveal my occupation to soon I attract men that just find it "intriguing".......I have come to loathe that word.Funny little story, I went out on a date with a man. Nice guy but knew we were not right for each other. We developed a friendship. I revealed to him what I do, as it happens he was very familiar with the hobby and had seen several ladies in my area. Sometimes I think its not really such a small world.