Free Offer to Aspiring Hookers w Poor Language Skills

[jfred]

No, I'm not "offering" to perfect your French (although I was once a judge in a bona fide blow job contest and hope I am more qualified now than then to give instruction).

But that's not it today. Truth is, work is slow and if I didn't have a girl friend who is rich and likes to buy me things I'd be hurting. But I'm still bored as Hell.

Yesterday, on another site, (where working girls occasionally interlope) I was reminded again of the cruel ironies of life -- in this case, of a young black hooker seeking a benefactor among only the most elite and successful of generous gentlemen, and expressing herself in terms that belied the truth of her uncompleted high school education. I love to be surprised as much as anyone but (dollars to doughnut holes) no one like that will ever call her. Just the usual jerks.

Enterprising people with aspirations inspire me (and not much else does these days) and to hear an ambitious young woman declaring to her elite audience that she doesn't want them to "waist" her time and to be sure to respond "respectively" (and the fuckin list went on an on...grammar, syntax, punctuation...imagine the worst and double it)...anyway, it broke m'heart.

LADIES: Do not fuck yourself in the foot before a decent SD gets a chance to smell your perfume. I know, I know, you think and talk and txt that way to your friends and it seems to work just fine. But at least consider that it may just be because none of you can recognize a coherent paragraph, much less compose one yourself, and it's the first thing he's gonna see (for cryin out loud).

HERE'S THE OFFER: Send me your ad or web page blurb and I'll send it back redacted into common-usage American English, with attention to preserve any attractive idiomatic constructions you happen to use, and without loss of erotic potential (yes, it's a gift). Simple as that. No guarantee but no charge either and NSA.

Unless too many respond I'll also try to take a look and be sure you're not saying crazy shit or just going on and on about stuff you ought to soft-petal.

As an example: Her answer to stock site question "What turns you on?" -- Dude, we ain't gonna even TALK about that until I'm sure you got lots of money!!!" Compare my suggestion to replace that -- "The gentleman I choose will find me extremely responsive to all the things women love. I cum easily and often." No contest, right?

Alright, we can start with PM's here. I'll use an old email address if we swamp the ECCIE server.

GENTLEMEN: You gotta write your own love letters. Wish I could help.

[Fancyinheels]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, jfred! You'll blow it for the rest of us! All those fractured English ads and websites make those providers who actually paid attention in school look like classic authors of Hooker Literature.

Damn, if only my bod was as fine-tuned as my writing, I'd be "Queen of the World!"

[simpleducks]

what drugs are you on?

[Fancyinheels]

Originally Posted by bhall23

what drugs are you on?

Jfred or me, dear? I drink, thank you.

[jfred]

Originally Posted by bhall23

what drugs are you on?

Assuming you mean me (you'd never say that to a lady) the more instructive answer would come from, "What drugs are you off of?"

[As you can see, bhall23, I, too, am not afraid to end a sentence with a preposition when it works (although in this case I would have preferred a different construction altogether, but saw an opportunity to forge linguistic solidarity with a younger brother. Your failure to capitalize the initial word of even so simple sentence, however, may indicate sloppy mental habits. Think about it. When you think, I mean.]

[Fancyinheels]

I do believe that I am in lust! A man who can belt out a proper paragraph instead of merely dropping his belt has a powerful aphrodisiacal effect on an Irish lassie. Nice to see an I.Q. rise here instead of just appendages and tempers.

[mtabsw]

Originally Posted by Fancyinheels

I do believe that I am in lust! A man who can belt out a proper paragraph instead of merely dropping his belt has a powerful aphrodisiacal effect on an Irish lassie. Nice to see an I.Q. rise here instead of just appendages and tempers.

I'm having no luck getting laid with a pocket full of Benjamins and now I need to find someone to forge me a Mensa membership card.

[Kayleehotchick]

You mean a hooker needs to have good language skills too?

Dayum, JFred, you're picky!!!

[DFWRaven]

Are you reallyw just offering to translate Ebonics into English ?? All I can think of is June Cleever in the old Airplane Movie... Excuse me, I Speak Jive....

[TheDuck]

Originally Posted by mtabsw

I'm having no luck getting laid with a pocket full of Benjamins and now I need to find someone to forge me a Mensa membership card.

Does a Mensa card get you any perks around here????

[the_chewtoy]

Ugh. I actually went to a couple of mensa meetings. Very, very disturbing. I think it would best be described as a bunch of socially retarded individuals attempting to re-enact 'brainy' pasttimes to shore up their faltering confidence. I'm not kidding. I thought it might be a nice resume padder for college. I was so uncomfortable that I didn't even put it in my application.

Were they some kind of savant or high-genius level people (who tend towards the unstable), I could understand. These people, however, while above average intelligence, were simply socially maladjusted. They joined a 'club' with no other requirements than a minimum IQ, and then tried to play things like chess because they thought it made them look smart.

Ugh. I have to stop now. I'm giving myself the creeps again.

Apologies if you're a card-carrying member. Maybe it was just the one chapter I saw . . .

[Lunytunz]

I can recite Alfred lord Tennyson, Shakespeare, Walt Whitman. I can solve for x. I can balance and chemical equation and calculate the osmolality of a solution. I can also spell esophagogastroduodenoscopy. Does that help my chances with scheduling? Wow, I'm gonna put that in my p411. That and $$.5 might get me in the door!

[TheDuck]

Originally Posted by the_chewtoy

Ugh. I actually went to a couple of mensa meetings. Very, very disturbing. I think it would best be described as a bunch of socially retarded individuals attempting to re-enact 'brainy' pasttimes to shore up their faltering confidence. I'm not kidding. I thought it might be a nice resume padder for college. I was so uncomfortable that I didn't even put it in my application.

Were they some kind of savant or high-genius level people (who tend towards the unstable), I could understand. These people, however, while above average intelligence, were simply socially maladjusted. They joined a 'club' with no other requirements than a minimum IQ, and then tried to play things like chess because they thought it made them look smart.

Ugh. I have to stop now. I'm giving myself the creeps again.

Apologies if you're a card-carrying member. Maybe it was just the one chapter I saw . . .

No, it wasn't just your "n of 1"...that's also my experience. It it, however, handy to have membership for a year in certain circumstances, even if you never go to the meetings

[amazingalexis]

aint Hooker street 4 companyoning?

u lookin fo hookers u gettin a hooker...

u want us to put effort into grammar, and for what? Diff'rent strokes for diffrent folks...Im sure da ads appeal to the type of client they want to see. Sum of us like dem laid back happy guys... some like uptight english majors wit a inferiority complexion...pic ur poizon, lol

[ithyphallicus]

That's a very admirable offer. I just hope the ladies you're trying to reach understand what the hell you're talking about. I mean, "coherent"? And "interlope"? Forget about it. What does that mean?

You probably should have used an apostrophe before "cryin" but I'm just being pedantic. :-)

Nice to see you posting here!