Old but still funny...

[Howl at the Moon]

I love this. My nephew sent it thinking it was new. I do not think he knows I have had it for 20 years. But, for the tech geeks among us, consider it an oldie but a goodie:
**************

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
¨ A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button
¨ An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
¨ An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet

[Sweet N Little]

Good one Howl at the moon!!

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Ginger Doll]

The following information is from credible intelligence sources on the latest viruses sweeping across our nation's information superhighway, so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

THE GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on.

THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting, recounting... ad nauseam.

THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no memory.

THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

THE LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did.

THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

THE JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all.

THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes.

THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.

THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files.

THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files.

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files.

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.