Lost my father this week. How to deal with grief?

[BellaIsabella]

Hey all, my dad passed a few days ago after loosing his battle with prostate cancer and I am just overwhelmed with grief. He was really one of my best friends in the world and the closest person to be in my family.

really don't know what to do or who to turn to, I have never dealt with this kind of loss before. If there is anyone who can offer some suggestions on how to better deal with this situation, please let me know, thanks.

[rrabbit6926]

Sorry for your loss. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but time does heal all wounds.

[Grad Girl Next Door]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss Isabella. I lost an immediate family member about 2 months ago. Personally I don't believe time heals all wounds (no offense to Rabbit).

My family member was like a best friend. I cared for her daily and watched her steady decline which was hard enough to endure, as I'm sure your father's was for you.

I cry still a few times a week when I go to check on her and remember she isn't there, or think of how she would've reacted to something on TV or something that happened during the course of the day.

I'm fortunate to have my mother to talk to about things, though I tend to internalize more so I didn't want to discuss it as much as my mother did.

The first 2 weeks were the hardest for me. I had restructured my life around providing care for this person. Aside from adjusting from the loss itself, I had to completely adjust my daily life.

In regards to the sadness, I can't say I'm any better today than I was the night she passed away. As my mother pointed out though, I don't think I'd have ever been Ok with her dying, regardless of if I knew when it would happen or not.

It's funny though, when I do things or see something, I can still hear what she would say and that brings me some comfort.

I think the best you can do is remember the good times you had with your dad and try to honor what values or teachings he may have passed on to you, by how you live your own life.

My fear is that one day I'll forget her smile or laugh or won't hear in my head how she most likely would've reacted to something.

If your father had a passion for something, you could always try to get involved with that in some way, so that you still have some sort of connection to his life.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Everyone deals with death differently and the same person reacts differently from one loss to the next. There's no set answer to easing your pain I'm afraid.

Time most likely won't heal that wound and the loss will never stop hurting. I miss my grandfather who died in the early 90's just as much now as I did then. Maybe even moreso.

But you will get over it enough to start enjoying life again. Without death, life has little meaning. Your father no doubt would want to see you happy and healthy and thriving. Give yourself the time you need to grieve the loss. Just don't let that loss begin to consume you (it will feel like it is in the beginning).

Honor your dad by mourning his loss and then live your life to the fullest as best you can. I wish I could offer better wisdom than that, but I'm still trying to figure things out for myself.

Don't hesitate to message me if you just need to vent to someone.

[charlestudor2005]

A lot of what I was going to say GGND already said, so I won't repeat. She seems wise beyond her years. I am wholeheartedly sorry for your loss.

Both my parents are gone: my mom about 30 years now, my dad about 20. Just after my mom passed, it seemed like I remembered the little things about her while I was in the shower each morning. I laughed and cried daily. Remembering her hasn't stopped some 30 years later, but the laughter and crying seems to have leveled off.

My dad was a rock. I could bounce ideas off him, povs and anything else. He didn't so much insert himself into my life as wait for me to invite him in. His steadiness gave me strength in life, and when he was gone, I knew his steadiness somehow remained with me. It gave me strength to carry on. I still ask myself, "what would dad do?" before making some weighty decisions. Sometimes, I just don't know. But most of the time he is there, inside me, to guide me.

This close to your Dad's death, it will be hard to see what he has left you. But, from my experience, and from how you describe your relationship, even though he is gone, you are not alone. A good part of him is still with you.

[catnipdipper]

I have come to believe and accept that Death is a stage of life and not an end of being. If you can accept that it is a step and that they are always with you then the transition is easier to cope with.

In the short term time is an enemy because everything is immediate and close. Over time things soften and it becomes more reflective and pleasant.

[guest010613]

Sweet Isabella,

My deepest condolences on your loss. I now have no living ancestors, so I have been through this pain seven times. Although it never gets any easier, it seems there are a few things I've learned from these passings. First and foremost: let the tears flow whenever they arrive. Do not hold in this physical expression of grief. Probably sounds wierd coming from a guy, but it truly helped me to move on when I learned to let the emotions flow.

Although it is difficult to apply rational thought during this time, do your best to remember that there are stages of grief, and they take time to traverse. You will adjust and move on, as your father would wish. You are a strong woman and will come out the other side of this dark tunnel even more committed to living your life to the fullest.

HUGS!

[NinaBrooke]

Hi Isabella,
I am so so so terribly sorry for your loss. I was never good at expressing my thoughts and emotions for such happenings as i feel words can`t do anything justice.

HOw to deal with grief: Let it happen. Don`t push yourself. It comes in stages. DId you ever read something from Elisabeth Kübler Ross? She is a qualitative scientist, having conducted numerous interviews with dying people, and in her final years she also wrote about grief. VEry very helpful.It was useful for me when i was in a similar situation.

Kübler Ross wrote a book called "On Grief and Grieving" Which might be helpful for you too, to understand what you are going through. http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving...0800540&sr=8-2

here is a little shorter summary:
http://grief.com/questions-answers/on-grief-grieving/

I am so sorry again, my deepest condolences, feel embraced and gently hugged ((((hug))))) Nina

[Marshall]

Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

Hey all, my dad passed a few days ago after loosing his battle with prostate cancer and I am just overwhelmed with grief. He was really one of my best friends in the world and the closest person to be in my family.

really don't know what to do or who to turn to, I have never dealt with this kind of loss before. If there is anyone who can offer some suggestions on how to better deal with this situation, please let me know, thanks.

I have an answer that I know has worked for many people......do something in your life [something you add, or change, or enhance] that your father would have approved of that you would not have ordinarily done....

as an example: one person I know did fund raising for breast cancer. It was a cause that was dear to the person's mother, because the mother's sister died of it.....another person gave up smoking because his mother always nagged him about it.....another person sent his children to Catholic school even though he would have preferred not. He knew his father would approve......

the point being, by carrying out something the deceased thought important, you are honoring his memory and tying yourself closer to him as well as enhancing his impact on the world.....that makes grief more endurable....that makes his life more meaningful....

[Bebe Le Strange]

Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

Hey all, my dad passed a few days ago after loosing his battle with prostate cancer and I am just overwhelmed with grief. He was really one of my best friends in the world and the closest person to be in my family.

really don't know what to do or who to turn to, I have never dealt with this kind of loss before. If there is anyone who can offer some suggestions on how to better deal with this situation, please let me know, thanks.

I am sorry you have lost your father. I have been going through my own since my sister passed away recently. The only thing that I can say that has helped me is just talking to people about it, and writing. I have been writing a huge blog, yet to be posted about my sister and our connection. It is helping me to process and move on.

I wish you the best, and we are all here for you if you need an ear to bend.

Big Hug!
Bebe

[Rakhir]

Carry on in a way that would make dad proud! Know that he is always there with you. After all you are his immortality incarnate! And continue to remember the times you spent together as a family.

[Randy4Candy]

I lost my Mother suddenly when I was in my late 30's and, as you already know, it's no picnic. Hopefully, you took advantage of the time between your dad's diagnosis and his passing to strengthen your relationship, have questions answered and say goodbye. If you did that then you have already started the healing process.

Like all important things, grieving and dealing with this type of loss takes time and cannot be rushed. If it's rushed you are only putting off dealing with it in it's totality and, this also from personal experience, it is harder to do later than sooner.

You have already received much good advice and information from the previous posters, so all I can add is to take your time, do not expect this to pass quickly and be thorough. Most of all, celebrate anything you can about him and his life. Actually, it is really sort of a "no pain - no gain" thing - the greater your affection, the greater the loss - and this is also good and can be a source of solace.

[TexTushHog]

I lost my dad, from the same cause, 27 years ago. It gets better with the passage of time, but it never goes away, especially if you were close. About all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and get on with life. If your dad was the kind of person I would expect he was given your personality here on the board, that's what he would do and want you to do.

All the best.

[RebeccaRothko]

We're all dying everyday. Stay focused and keep yourself busy. Sometimes a good cry is needed. Stay strong and know that your father would not want you to wallow in grief; he would want to see you move forward and be more than the sum of him and your mother. Look back on your time together and take guidance from it.

[Coolpops]

Isabella;

I am saddened to hear of your fathers passing. You are fortunate to
have had a good parent, and for that you can always be thankful. Sending
a prayer for you tonight.

CP

[johnnybax]

I lost my father to the evil C recently and know what you're going through. What helps me everyday is remembering that the pain and suffering is over for him. I suggest you spend lots of time with your family to get through the first little bit. One of my sisters and I spent a lot of time with each other in the weeks after he passed and it was wonderful spending time with her again. We comforted each other, laughed, hugged, cried and shared memories. It was really therapeutic.