Decoding Escort Ads, A Doublespeak Glossary

[SpiceItUp]

This was linked to on the SA forums, I thought it was pretty funny and not totally inaccurate tbh

Is there anything else that should be on the list but isn't?

Frequently, an escort uses codewords to mask their perceived inadequacies by transforming them into an asset. Often we are asked, what does this mean or is there a glossary or dictionary, in reference to these terms, abbreviations, and acronyms.

To reduce the confusion for novice readers, we present [the] pessimist's guide to decoding escort ads:

BBW = fat
Voluptuous = fat
Curvy = fat
Curvaceous = fat
Thick = fat
Rubenesque = fat
Womanly = fat
Hourglass = fat
Supersized = fat
Pic of face only? = fat
Pic of body under bedsheet? = fat
Gives bra size only? = fat
Busty = either saggy or fat
Naturally busty = saggy and fat
Real woman = saggy, fat and ugly

Slim = no boobs
Svelte = no boobs
Slender = no boobs
Dancer's body = no boobs
Runner = no boobs
Spinner = no boobs
Yoga = no boobs

Bombshell = fake boobs
Baywatch = fake boobs
Playboy = fake boobs
Model = fake boobs

Brazilian = black
Butterscotch = black
Caramel = black
Chocolate = black
Cinnamon = black
Creole = black
Cuban = black
Dominican = black
Ebony = black
Egyptian = black
Eritrean = black
Ethiopian = black
Exotic = black
Hawaiian = black
Mahogany = black
Mocha = black
Mulatto = black
Nubian = black
Mixed = black

Mature = old
Courtesan = old
Gracious = old
Graceful = old
Refined = old
Elegant = old
Classic = old
Conservative = old
Original = old
soft skin = old

Age = generally add a few years, here are some frequent exceptions:
College Student = late 20's
Just turned 18 = mid 20's
19 = possible jailbait
21 = late 20's
28 = late 30's
no age? = same as "28"

Intelligent = brunette
Sorority Girl = blonde
Selective = overpriced
Exclusive = very overpriced
Classy = can't afford lingerie
Freaky = doesn't shower between clients
Nasty = doesn't shower at all
Upscale = snooty personality
All American = all trailer trash
Princess = I have an attitude problem
Party girl = I'll be high on drugs
On fire = active herpes outbreak
Las Vegas = Bellagio prices, Motel 6 service
coed = plain looking with acne problem
girl next door = looks like the boy next door
Goddess = If you believe this is me in the pictures...
Real Doll = Bubba brings you an inflatable doll, no refunds
Energetic = methamphetamine addict
Down to earth = boring
College graduate = sleeps with professors
open minded = openly accepts tips
two girl show = one girl shows, one girl steals your stuff

New to business = changed name
New to area = changed name and moved across bay
Only here for a few days = staying until bad reviews run me out of town

Up to an hour = 1 shot and she's gone.
Discreet = I check your ID
Discrete = I can't spell
Advance notice required = you'll never get a hold of me
Seeks generous gentleman = ROB for the elderly
Seeks generous businessmen = ROB for out-of-towners
Once in a lifetime experience = you won't repeat
I love what I do = I'm desperate for clients.
Satisfaction guaranteed = I guarantee I'm getting your money

snowbunny = white girl with a black pimp
Available 24/7 = my pimp doesn't let me sleep
AD WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS = my pimp can't type
aD wRiTTeN iN mIxED cAsE = my pimp is learning how to type

You won't be sorry = You'll be disappointed
You won't be disappointed = You'll be sorry

CMT = good massage, bad sex
FBSM = bad massage, good sex

What an ad DOESN'T say, is also a source of information:
Unless specified, you can assume:
hair color = brown
hair length = to shoulder
eye color = brown
age = mature
height = short
weight = heavy
cup size = small
measurements = large

Originally appeared at http://forum.myredbook.com/dcforum2/DCForumID15/3.html

[Hot to Trot Daphne]

Yawn~

How many times has this been posted already??

[Dorian Gray]

That glossary seems like its on the light side. There should definitely be more.

[SpiceItUp]

Originally Posted by Luxury Daphne

Yawn~

How many times has this been posted already??

In Houston? Once about 2 years ago that I could find sorry I didn't search exhaustively beforehand or I'd have just necro'd the thread.

Sorry to bore you, we can't all be board historians, I found it funny

[Ur_1_only]

Thanks Spiceitup I enjoyed the list...

[KatieKatie]

I was thinking about changing my profile to say I am black. Everyone else gets to make things up. Maybe I will pass more for "mixed".

This one is my favorite: girl next door = looks like the boy next door. I always take that one as no makeup because "I don't need it." Shut up, betcch!!! You probably need something. Throw some mascara on or something.

Daphne, I haven't seen it yet. I think it is a great decoder. I will be using it for my next ad. Now that I am black can I call you sister like it is 1996?

[AlexisMoore]

I found it funny.Being a MyRedBook girl, I have seen this many times. But its always fun to read through it again.

[gearslut]

How many times has this been posted already??

Judging by the number of reviews I read where a fucktard is disappointed by his choice from BP we ought to make a sticky out of it.

[Dorian Gray]

Originally Posted by KatieKatie

I was thinking about changing my profile to say I am black. Everyone else gets to make things up. Maybe I will pass more for "mixed".

Nah.... You should go for something slightly more rare or exotic like Austrian, Chilean, or South African.

[FRED G SHAFT]

Sexy mom next door type = Mommy tummy, fake or large breast and kid drama

[heinz5710]

LMAO! I guess the next time I write an escort, my letter should read ,"I am an old impotent fart who can't get it up anymore and want the company of a beautiful woman 1/3 my age. I'm rich and I can afford your price. Even though you won't get a little bit excited, I will pay more for screams and moans. Are you available?" Too bad there isn't a list of what the gentlemen write to cover up their faults. Ladies, have at me! I have a sense of humor.

[TheGingerman]

I'd like:
No Age
Intelligent
All American
Discrete
Las Vegas

Much to my chagrin
If you know one
Please inform me.

[Hot to Trot Daphne]

Originally Posted by gearslut

Judging by the number of reviews I read where a fucktard is disappointed by his choice from BP we ought to make a sticky out of it.

Yes, and we jump for joy when we open the door also....

[SpiceItUp]

Originally Posted by Luxury Daphne

Yes, and we jump for joy when we open the door also....

[Hot to Trot Daphne]

I do.. And some dick.

Without those two I'm just a curmudgeon.