Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

[stormking]

Posted in Houston, Dallas, and Austin Forums...

Please forgive me in advance for venting and for pouring my heart out to all of you strangers in ECCIE land - but I have absolutely no one else to talk to about this. I'm basically in tears as I write this - so if you have no stomach for a weeping man you should stop reading now.

I was long-term lurker on ASPD with perhaps 10 posts over about 10 years. I've hobbied off and on during that time. During that time I justified my hobbying as a way to stay with my wife and kids and still have some form of intimacy and physical contact with women. Sex was (and still is) completely gone from my marriage. My marriage is actually without hugs and kisses. My wife and I don't have ANY physical contact.

My heart and soul is dying due to the absence of any form of physical or emotional intimacy. We are two people with two daughters and a house that just relate to each other about logistics, housekeeping, and who will pick up the girls.

I've thought about divorce (many times) and typically conclude that it would cost more emotionally and financially to do that then to just accept the sexless marriage and spend far less on the hobby.

I've tried all kinds of appeals and suggestions to my wife about increasing our sex and physical intimacy (like kissing for Christ's sake!) without success.

In the past I've have really fun hobby experiences but of late even hobby get together's have been less than stellar (no bell). I feel that somehow I'm not able (any longer) to fool myself into believing that "hobby-fun" is enough. I think I can't cum with a hot provider because I'm sad that my wife does not want to touch me.

I'm at my wits end. I really want to tell her that I've seen providers in the hopes of shocking her into believing that I will destroy the marriage over this issue.

What the hell should I do?

Provider and guy responses welcome. Please be gentle...

[dammit]

See a shrink...and soon...like tomorrow. Actually, call a crisis hotline now...

Lol...sorry, I was feeding the troll....

During that time I justified my hobbying as a way to stay with my wife and kids and still have some form of intimacy and physical contact with women.

seriously?

I've thought about divorce (many times) and typically conclude that it would cost more emotionally and financially to do that then to just accept the sexless marriage and spend far less on the hobby.

How could it cost anymore emotionally if you are here begging for help? And sounds like the $ for alimony/child support is hat you fear...

oh wait, I just fed the troll again...do they get bigger and have bigger appetites the more you feed one? if a lady kisses the troll, does he become a smaller creature, say, a frog? does a troll's dick shrink proportionately with his shrinkage in physical statue going to the size of a frog? does he get to say *ribbid* *ribbid* "if you kiss me I become a troll?"

I'll bet if the mods check with a little effort, this is a duplicate account needing a ban =)) or at least a quick kiss

[GRIN OF SIN]

I can relate to the "sexless" marriage bit, but this case seems a bit more extreme. Even though DAMMIT seems to think this is some kind of insincere post... in the off chance that it is not, you might want to take his advice about therapy or group counseling with your wife. Figure out the source of the problem before resorting to desperate solutions. Just my two cents.

[Metal Smith]

Stormking,
I'll cry with you man. I have been there, it is beyond frustration, and you don't know what to do. You still love her not because of, but because you do. The confessions ("shocking her into"?) of infidelity don't work (It didn't work for me). Get out of this world, work on home. I would encourage the counseling, if the wife is game. If she won't consider counseling try dating her again. I have acccepted the secret world I have created. I am aware of the consequences that will ultimately befall me. I would much rather be in your shoes again.

[Guest120311-2]

Telling her about your hobbying will not only shock her it will hurt her. Don't do that. It can irreparably damage your relationship.

Go home, tell her how you feel. What you want and what you need. Ask what she wants and needs to be happy. Compromise and come up with a plan you can work on together so your both happy or can possibly get what you need. Counseling wouldn't hurt and can help steer things in the right direction. If she won't go with you, go alone.

I have heard this a zillion times and will never understand why women do this. Just stick your head in the sand, cross your fingers and pretend everything is just fine! UGH!
Just talk to her! Spending another 10 to 20 years like this will kill you! Or your spirit anyway!
Good luck,
Tess

[Kewl1]

I was in the same position as you. Two kids, married for 20 years. No form of intimacy what so ever. We stayed together "for the kids" for the last four years of our marriage. Would not ever do that again.

My thoughts were - do we perpetuate this - that an unphysical relationship ( hugs kissing etc ) is okay? How much does that mess our kids up? What brought it home to me was the observation of my youngest when she asked innocently enough "how come mom kisses ( our really good friend ) hello and goodbye, but not you?" My mind was made up.

Don't talk about the hobby - it won't do anything for the relationship and if you go to divorce court - it won't help there either.

Try to sit down and talk through it. I tried several times - it never really stuck. But try and see. Don't be afraid to talk about divorce or a trial seperation. But if you do the seperation thing make sure you get all your issues resolved ( through a counselor ) before you move back in.

See a counselor - for yourself. If she is willing, get another one for couples.

Good Luck man.. it is a tough time and I feel ya..

[Carl]

Originally Posted by stormking

I'm at my wits end. I really want to tell her that I've seen providers in the hopes of shocking her into believing that I will destroy the marriage over this issue.

Dude, that sort of stuff only works in the movies. If you tell her, there's no "I will continue and risk destroying this marriage." It's basically destroyed the second you open your mouth. No putting the genie back in the bottle. At that point, it's divorce time, and if she's mad enough (and she very likely will be: "Hell hath no fury ...") she'll use the info to take as much as she can from you in a divorce settlement, make sure you never see your kids again, and turn as many of your friends (as a couple) against you.

Even if you go to counseling as a couple, it would take years of work to repair the relationship with counseling, and that's only if she's willing.

However, counseling for yourself would help keep you on an even keel.

My advice, is DOCUMENTthe following:
First. go to counseling yourself. After receiving some counseling for yourself, formally ask for a referral for a couple's counselor.

Then tell her clearly and explicitly how you feel. Tell her you want to go to counseling as a couple to address this issue. If she accepts you havestarted the work to repair the relationship.

If she refuses, start divorce proceedings. Don't threaten it or try to use the threat as an incentive to go to counseling.

Just actually do it. If she doesn't want to go to counseling, she's basically telling you in a cowardly, manipulative passive-aggressive way that she doesn't care about you, your feelings or your marriage.

With the documentation of you going to counseling, asking for a referral for couple's counseling and her refusal, you will be able to demonstrate to a lawyer and a judge that you have taken steps to try and save your marriage but she was unwilling to take similar steps. Things will go much better for you, particularly with regards to custody or visitation, even if she gets pissed and starts slinging accusations.

But long before you do bring up the subject of divorce, stop hobbying and scrub your phone and hard drive of any hobby references, phone numbers, email addresses, websites, log-ins and passwords. Even any female friends or co-workers that she might use to allege any infidelity. Because if she gets a pit bull of a lawyer, you can't be careful enough. He may get her to put a keystroke logger on your computer, hire a PI to follow you, dig through any records (sometimes even illegally) they can find, just to apply pressure on you.

[nuglet]

Uh, see how well it worked for the John Edwards, Mark Spitzer and Mark Sanford. Yeah, fess up and see how well that flies. pfft

[Parsifal]

I don't think bringing up the hobby to your spouse is ever a good idea, even in the self realization, cathatric sense. It seems you sought out the hobby to regain a sense of your manhood, of your virility, which was being lost on your spouse. I am VERY sad to hear that is the case, and am even sadder to hear that you seem to not be able to get satisfaction from the hobby, either.

Although I don't have an opinion on your marriage, I can safely say that your admittance of being the hobby will bring a swift end to it.

I would also urge you to seek a counselor. Talking openly and honestly with someone about how you feel can be very liberating...truly, you need a sounding board.

All the best...

[yardape]

Stormking, you've got some conflicts. Nobody here is gonna encourage you to eek anything about hobbying to the wife or that could get back to her. The main, maybe only, purpose of this venue is to furnish a safe place to converse, share ideas w/ people of like interest, etc. I have no idea whether there's any counseling that would help you. But I agree with the recommendation that, if hobbying isn't getting it done for you, do something else with your recreative time and $$$. I.e., take an extended break. Maybe a compatible casual relationship will pop for you in the civvie world. This way of doing it isn't for everybody, which is OK.

[playingnthedark]

I tend to find it very interesting that a woman who once gave you all the sex/kisses/hugs/intimaticy/love/tenderness etc, losses all interest. It is totally understandable if this is for medical reason.

Ive been there and done that. But, not for the medical reason. I recall doing everything in my power to try and fine the problem including looking at myself..........dating her again, talking to her,even ask if there was something I could do different or is there something Im not doing,counseling, therapy..........you name it I tried it.

Nothing changed.

Dont get me wrong I feel our sex drives have highs and lows. I am fully aware that emotions play a huge part in it too. But, for me I cant live that way.

Hence D-I-V-O-R-C-E

And for the love of me I cant understand why anyone Man or Woman would stay in a relationship like that.

Kids? not a reason.................just what we need. to teach them that this form of relationship is healthy.

Life is to short .............................. ......................be happy.


Hope I dont offend anyone.

[Sexy Roxanne]

You don't want your kids thinking that, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One with know hugs, kisses, laughter, ect... They may grow and think thats the way it should be when in reality its not.

[TopWhop]

Originally Posted by Sexy Roxanne

You don't want your kids thinking that, this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One with know hugs, kisses, laughter, ect... They may grow and think thats the way it should be when in reality its not.

That is what happened to my marriage; it affected the kids even when we stayed together FOR THEM. I have SO been in your position my friend, hell I could have written this post a few yrs back. My advice, focus yr efforts on your marriage if you feel its worth saving, get some personal help, get yr S/O to go, bare your soul and feelings,,,but not your hobby experiences, that info is best keep within in YOU and your professional consular. Wish you were in Austin, I would offer my experiences as I have crossed the bridge alone. All the best!!!!

[guest021911]

Stormking - LOTS of good advice throughout this thread from many,especially Carl's thread. I was in your EXACT situation several years ago with 3 kids involved and it SUCKED EVERYDAY!! After going thru countless counselors it was time to move on with my life and it was the BEST yet most difficult decision I ever made. It's a shit sandwich that you have to eat but freedom, happiness,and sunshine greeted me on the other side. DON'T EVER stay just for the kids....as Dr. Phil says,kids would much rather BE FROM a broken home than live day to day in one.

[snoopdogg]

im with carl on this one
LISTEN!!