Oldie but Goodie Jokes

[KohanaKoa]

This is a place to post old jokes that many have heard, but perhaps some have not.


I'll go first:

Discussion with a Nymphomaniac
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba".

[KohanaKoa]

40-ish: 49

Adventurer: Slept with all your friends

Athletic: No boobs

Average looking: Has a face like a basset hound

Beautiful: Pathological liar

Educated: Banged her Political Science professor

Emotionally Secure: Medicated

Feminist: Fat ballbuster

Free spirit: Junkie

Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun: Annoying

Gentle: Comatose

Good Listener: Borderline Autistic

New-Age: All body hair, all the time

Old Fashioned: Lights out, Missionary position only, no BJs

Open-minded: Desperate

Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate: Sloppy drunk

Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional: Certified Bitch

Redhead: Bad dye-job

Romantic: Looks better by candle light

Smiles: Does a lot of Ecstasy

Social: Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray

Wants Soulmate: Stalker

Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself

[sweetshane]

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.


Im determinately a bad girl!!

[sweetshane]

10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[KohanaKoa]

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said,"Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, " that's right Susie, You may leave." Johnny was mad, Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher said, "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F Kennedy."

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut!"

The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!!!!?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!"

[KohanaKoa]

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. Leader.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

[kurt76117]

Little Johnny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said,"Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, " that's right Susie, You may leave." Johnny was mad, Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher said, "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F Kennedy."

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut!"

The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!!!!?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Tiger Woods!!! See you Monday!"

[KohanaKoa]

Originally Posted by kurt76117

Little Johnny
Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Tiger Woods!!! See you Monday!"

lol... your version is better.